Naturally, the names are fictious.
Let the fuckery begin.
#1: Said what?
Me:
God, you people are juveniles...
Carl:
What's a juvenile?
#2: But it was in big
letters on the book!
Dispatcher:
Crap, I need all the boxes with Of Mice And Men in 'em. Check the stickers.
Me:
All right, I'll go get them... Where are they?... Hey Jay, I can't find any--
oh wait, here they are. Jesus. Hey
Carl
, remember that for next time: Steinbeck is the name of the AUTHOR.
Carl:
Huh?!
#3: SAT-a-go-go?
Carl:
(something stupid I can't remember)
Me:
Jesus, The average IQ of this room has just dropped by 50 points...
Carl:
What's an IQ?
#4: He talks shit!
Dispatcher:
OK, how many Animal Farm have we got?
C and Lennie:
Fifty!
Dispatcher:
Product code?
*C and P both grab a book and race to get the product code*
Lennie:
5130!
Carl:
Oh man I was so gonna say it before you!
Lennie:
Hey man you talk shit.
Carl:
What the hell gee, you talkin' shit!
Lennie:
Come on you know I'm better than you are!
Carl:
Say whaaaaat? You talkin' shit man!
Lennie:
No, you talkin' shit! I'm the best and you know it!
Dispatcher:
OK, how many Titus have we got?
Carl:
Hey (Shuri), let's do a contest for who gets the product code first, come on
man!
Me:
*gives
Carl
the finger*
#5: Can I buy your
cash?
Lennie:
Hey, when are we getting paid?
Dispatcher:
Don't know, don't care.
Carl:
Hey [Shuri], I'ma buy yo paycheck for 50 bucks, man.
Me:
Huh? What?!
Carl:
Yeah man, You give me paycheck and I pay you fifty good.
Me:
What? Hell no. You couldn't cash it anyway.
Carl:
Yo dude then I'll just take it from you.
Me:
No problem, I'll just pick up my truck and run you over with it.
Carl:
Nah can't do, 'cause I'll run away with mah bike, man.
Me:
Then I'll just call the cops for help.
Carl:
And what about runnin' me over?
Me:
That'll happen if the cops take too long to come and help me.
Carl:
..........Maaaaaaaannnnnnn, that's way too complicated, I'm totally lost!
Forget da deal, man!
Me:
Yeah, you do that.
#6: Smells like
university spirit
Carl:
*grabs a 140-page book to be sent to a 7th grade class* Man, that book looks so
long and complicated...
#7: I like it like
like like like like that!
Carl:
Hey peace guys I like you know gotta take a shit real quick so peace guys yo.
#8: I'm gonna kick
you like a dirt!
Carl:
Man you university people are too complex for me... But you know I'm better
than all of you.
Dispatcher:
Shut the FUCK UP!!!
Carl:
Yo man, chill...
Boss:
Shut up, Carl!
#9: Arriba arriba arriba, hai hai hai yippe!
Carl:
Yo man I
work
so
quick
that you don't see me work.
Me:
It's more like we
quickly
don't see you doing
work
.
#10: Look ma, I wear
a Budweiser shirt!
Carl:
Hey man, yo shirt's too chill, I'ma pay 10 good for it.
Me:
No.
Carl:
Ah come on man, twenty!
Me:
No.
Carl:
Fifty!
Me:
No!
Carl:
Ah gee man, I'ma give you my own shirt for it. That's worth 75 good.
Me:
What? I don't give a fuck about the value of your damned shirt.
Carl:
Ah man, I'ma give you my girlfriend for two days then.
Me:
*With a face full of disgust, I do a cross sign with my index fingers.*
Carl:
Yo man what does that mean? *He attempts to do the cross sign as well but
forgets he's holding his cigarette.* OUCH!
Dispatcher:
Haha, served!
#11: Nostalgia is a
thing of the past
Me:
...But I gotta say, the best damn moment of the week was when Carl picked up a
140-page book and said "Man, that book looks so long and complicated!"
Dispatcher:
Haha!
Carl:
Hahahahahahahahaha-- Wait a minute...
#12: I drive a car!
Stolen!
Carl:
Yo man I changed my answering machine message to some chill stuff. Says "I
got a Neon, peace." Fresh, huh?
Lennie:
Fo' real, yeah man!
#13: The Fat and The Furriest
Carl:
Dude, my Neon could so smoke your Jeep.
This
one needs a little bit of background. Carl decided to ride on a pallet while
Lennie moved it around with the jigger. Hilarity ensued. Followed by...
14:
BULLSHIT
Dispatcher:
Hey guys, one of the guys on the other side said you guys weren't getting any
work done around here. Hehe!
Lennie:
Ah hell no, we were doing work!
Carl:
Yeah man!
Dispatcher:
Yeah, how am I gonna believe that?
Carl:
Ah, talk shit yo!
Dispatcher:
*grins* Well, I can't trust your word and I'm sure Old Shack over there *points
to me* won't say a thing so...
Me:
Allow me. So Carl decided to get on a pallet and ride it and Lennie moved it
around with the jigger then he stopped and Carl fell on the floor and boxes fell
on the floor and then they put the boxes back on the pallet then we did that
pallet and dispatched it and while you were gone Carl went on another pallet and
rode it while Lennie moved it around and this was getting pretty long so I sat
on a chair to wait for them and then Lennie accused me of not doing any work and
that prompted him to settle the pallet down and start it then you arrived with
your line about the guy in the other warehouse saying we weren't doing any work.
Ha!
Dispatcher:
THERE! That is the whole truth, right here!
Carl:
UUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN, talk shiiiiiiiit!
Boss:
*just arrived* So, I hear you guys aren't doing any work?
Me:
Boss, you so keep taking me out of context.
Boss:
Haha, fuck yeah, man!
15: Explain analphabetisim in 1000 words or less.
Carl:
Literature? What does that mean?
Lennie:
...
Me:
...
Dispatcher:
...
Carl:
No, fo' real, what's literature?
Dispatcher:
(Hehehe!) Literature? Is that some kind of salad? (Heheheheh!)
Carl:
Fo' real, man! What is it?!
Me:
OK, when you read a book, you're doing literature.
Carl:
Unn, that's it?
Me:
That pretty much sums it up.
Carl:
Uuuunnn! Talk shit, man! I know you talk shit! You dunno the real definition of
literature!
Me:
...
Carl:
I bet you don't know it! Why don't you speak now? Ooooohhhhhhhhhhh! I see right
through you man! You don't know what literature is! I see right through you!
Come on, don't talk shit now, admit it!
#16: I AM-- Wait a
minute!
Diaptcher:
Hey, can you go get me that box over there?
Carl:
Hell no! I'm Arabic!
-
C
arl and
Lennie argued, for two full hours, about the exact definition of the word
"nigger". One after another, I told them to shut up, the dispatcher
told them to shut up, then the boss told them to shut up. It ended up being two
hours of hearing "you talkin' shit!" over and over again.
-Today, we ordered Chinese food. We were 5, and we ordered for 3 knowing that
place did huge servings. Problem was: there were only 3 Won Ton soups. The
dispatcher decided we'd hold a draw, to which everyone agreed except
Lennie
, who complained that it was unfair. We do the ballot. In order comes
Carl
, myself, and... the dispatcher!
Lennie gets nothing and eats with an ugly face for the entire meal. Later
that night, the dispatcher tells me he didn't care for the soup but absolutely
wanted it in order to gain a spiritual victory over
Lennie
.
-After we ended our work, we went to wash our hands in the bathroom next to the
cash machines. While waiting for his turn,
Carl
starts pressing random buttons on the cash machines, knowing they are turned
off anyways. But then, out of the intercom, comes out this godly voice that
says...: "There isn't any money in here!"
Book titles
Carl
grossly misunderstood...
Book to pack:
Of Mice And Men, by John Steinbeck
What ended up on the label:
Steinbeck
Book to pack:
Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo
What ended up on the label:
Hugo
Book to pack:
Le Comte de Monte-Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas
What ended up on the label:
Dumas
Book to pack:
Cyrano de Bergerac, by Edmond Rostand
What ended up on the label:
Edmond Rostand
Carl
is also convinced that a play is a novel, and has never heard of the authors
mentioned above.
Plan for tomorrow: make him pack a book written by Moliere!
A memo was posted today,
referring to people arriving late and
making personal calls
while at work. The whole damned thing was subtly aimed at
Carl
, who did both with unparalleled bravado.
I point him over to the memo. It was followed by:
#17: My eyes the
size of fucking two-dollar coins
Carl:
Yo, what's memorandum mean?
Me:
Check the first four letters.
Carl:
.......Oh. Memo. Got it.
Me:
Good.
Carl:
*looks at the memo for about 15 seconds, then turns around, picks up the phone
and dials a number.*
#18: More of my eyes
popping out
Me:
Dude, you knew making personal calls was forbidden?
Carl:
Huh? No yo, talk shit, that's not what it is.
Me:
Care to explain?
Carl:
See man, I get unlimited calls during breaks and two calls between breaks with
my cellphone.
Me:
................
Carl:
...?
Me:
Gimme your butterfly. I'm gonna kill myself, right here, right now. Go! Now!
Carl:
Ah gee, I ain't got it with me yo.
#19: I'm an idiot and
I don't care!
Lennie:
Shit, my mom kicked me out of the house.
Me:
What for?
Lennie:
'Cause I bought an $800 gold chain.
Dispatcher:
Now I understand your mom's feelings.
Me:
Ditto that!
Lennie:
Dude, you bought a 2 grand computer that isn't even gonna last a year before
it's obsolete. My gold chain's gonna last forever!
Me:
...Now I really fucking understand your mom's feelings. And your mom kicks ass.
Some
more facts about
Carl
:
-Ran out of ink on his permanent marker. So he started labeling boxes with pale
blue highliter.
-Ran out of ink on his highlighter. So he started labeling boxes with his pen.
-Also marked number of books inside the box using a red marker. Unfortunately,
red denotes a position number for overstock. We had placed about 200 boxes of
overstock one hour ago. He used the red marker. I mistook the box for overstock
and went to place it. The dispatcher then looked for two hours around the whole
warehouse to find a missing box, until he fell on the one
C
had marked with red and that I had placed among the overstock.
-
C
also proclaims peace... and yet carries a Butterfly knife in his backpack.
-
C
also re-did 9th grade. Three times. Claims the first time didn't count since he
didn't go to any of his classes.
#20: Complicate your life!
Carl:
OK, not that it's long, but it's fucking long!
#21: Navajo, anyone?
Random guy:
Hey Carl, you always look, like, out there you know.
Carl:
Uuunnnnn... Just that I lack sleep.
Me:
I rather think he's been baking a cake... He likes flour a lot.
Random guy:
Haha!
Carl:
...UUUUNNNNNNNNN! I don't understand anything what you say...
Me:
That's the point!
#22: La-la-la-la!...
Dispatcher:
Carl, those books, they go on that table; not that one.
Carl:
Uh huh, whatever...
Me:
Carl, in case you didn't get the message, you gotta
take
those books and
move
'em to
that
table.
Over there
.
Carl:
Man, I'm deaf, I can't hear what you say.
Me:
What the fuck?...
Carl:
I'm deaf, I'm deaf, I'm deaf, I'm deaf!!!
#23: Quid-Pro-Quo!
Me:
Dude, I managed to do an 87 hour week. On Wednesday, I did 17 hours. We left at
3 in the morning - we were totally on fire, my man!
Random dude:
Holy Jesus!
Chick:
*looks at us with eyes big like quarters*
Me:
What's wrong?
Chick:
Okay, all I heard was "It was 3 in the morning and we were on fire, my
man."
Me:
...Holy shit, that's got the worst qui-pro-quo ever!
Chick:
You people scare me. For real.
Epilogue
During my stay at the job, I
managed to get a raise without even asking for it, and the warehouse's foreman
promised to vouch for me if I ever wanted to seek a promotion to
dispatcher. Sadly, because of problems with my back, I didn't apply for
the job again, but I do give the guys a visit from time to time.