Computer School Snippets

 

"God damn I hate that site, it makes me rage at how retarded humanity is."  ~Kyon

 

Work Snippets is back under a new and improved formula! And unlike Tide, this is actually meaningful. Prepare to read stories that are so sad that they will kill any and all will to live inside your soul for the next fifteen eternities.

Now that's a lot of eternities!

*slaps own cheek with a shocked expression*

Let's start 'er up. Presenting the suspects:



#1: Where is it? Where is it?
Idiotess: Excuse me... Where's the motherboard?
Me: Here. *I point to the biggest board on the table.*
Five minutes later...
Idiotess: Excuse me... Where's the motherboard?
Me: Here. *I pick up the biggest board on the table and wave it in front of her eyes so she can see it really well.*
Five minutes later...
Idiotess: Excuse me... Where's the motherboard?

That was the exact same idiotess on all three accounts.


#2: Where reading and looking are two very different verbs.
I meet an idiotess in my Windows XP class who seemingly cannot make any effort to learn. Whenever she finds herself at a spot she didn't expect, she doesn't ask for help. Instead, she freezes in place and sits motionless, except for looking around her every minute or two until she spots me and wildly gestures at me to come over.
Idiotess: What do I do?
Me: Well, where are you... OK, you are at step number seven on your sheet. What does it say?
Idiotess: It says...

Quote:
7: You need to create a new partition on the hard drive in order to put Microsoft Windows XP on it. The menu you are at right now allows you to do that. Press 'C' to create a new partition.



...so... what do I do?
Me: ...Well... press 'C'!
Idiotess: The letter 'C'?
Me: Yes! The letter C.
Idiotess: OK... *presses the letter 'C'* What do I do now?
After fifteen more minutes of this circus, I finally get her to a part of the installation where she just has to sit there for a half-hour. On my way back to my desk, I come across Jack and give him a panicked look that pretty much explains my situation.
Me: Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!


Can you actually believe that in this four-hour session centered on Windows XP, I managed to help two people full-time AND install Windows XP twice on two partitions, upgrade them both to Service Pack 2, install an antivirus and Microsoft Office and leave ten minutes early?

I didn't even need to install the second Windows. That was to be done later this week! But since the teacher takes attendance, I have to show up anyway...


Today, we were supposed to create a new 10 GB partition and install another Windows XP in order to allow for multi-booting.


#3: Follow instructions carefully. Way too carefully.
Idiot: Uhh... Heyyyyy. [Kane]! (The newbs almost always call me by the second part of my name in class) Hey [Kane], I've got a problem! How do I install the second Windows?
Me: Do the exact same thing you did yesterday.
Idiot: Oh. Okayyyyy.
*One hour later...*
Idiot: Hey [Kane]! My new Windows doesn't show up! There's no menu!
Me: Let me look. Hey... Where's the other partition?
Idiot: Uhhhhh...
Me: You've overwritten on your first Windows! You've wasted an hour.
Idiot: Oh... Damn...
Me: You need to create a ten gigabyte partition, a new one , and put the second Windows there . Got it?
Idiot: Okay...
*One hour later...
Idiot: Hey [Kane]... My boot menu still doesn't show up...
(Guess why...? I later discovered he pressed any key whenever asked to in order to start the Windows installation. He reinstalled the same Windows four times. His CD never left its tray during the whole class. He refused to take out the CD, claiming Windows still hadn't finished installing yet.)


#4: Follow instructions not so carefully.
Teacher: OK, this didn't work out well last time, but today I won't be making any exceptions. If you have a question, come and write down your computer number on the board, this way I can help you in order. No hand raising. All right?
Students: All right!
(After less than thirty seconds, a dozen people have raised their hands, calling out to the teacher for help.)


#5: Follow instructions not at all.
Idiot #1: Yo dude, what are we supposed to do?
Me: Waddya mean?
Idiot #1: Well, there's Windows on the computer and stuff, what now?
Me: Open the instructions document the teacher gave you.
Idiot #2: What... this thing?? *he picks up the yet-unopened document*
Me: That's right.
Idiot #2: *opens the document and notices the instructions, numbered and formatted* Oooohhhhhhh...


#6: Cakewalking is your friend 'till I leave the classroom...
Idiot: Yo, can I borrow your anti-virus CD?
Me: Here you go.
Idiot: OK... *he inserts the CD and opens the installer.* What do I do now? Where do I click?
Me: Next.
Idiot: OK... And now?
Me: *I lean over to see his screen in order to ease up my job* Next. Next. Next. Next. Next. Wait.
Idiot: I wait?
Me: Yeah, you wait.
Idiot: OK...
*A few minutes later...*
Idiot: Hey, it says it wants to update the thing. What do I do?


#7: We're on Earth... or somewhere close!
Idiotess: Hey, what do I do with that regional settings thing?
Me: It asks you what country you're in. See the selection? It says France.
Idiotess: So... what do I do?
Me: We aren't in France. We are in Canada.
Idiotess: ...
Me: Click here. Good. Now select Canada. Now click Next. You should be good 'till Windows finishes installing.


#8: Word from the wise, or to the wise?
(A girl couldn't get her second installation of Windows to start up. As I examine the BIOS, I find out the computer had been set to boot from the hard drive before the CD-ROM - this change had been done by another group between our two classes.)
Me: ...Ah! There it is. See, the computer needs to be told in what order it needs to look at things to figure out what to start from. We want it to check the floppy drive first, then the CD-ROM, and lastly, the hard drive. This way. *I set the options correctly. An idiot, who had been peering over my shoulder, interjects.*
Idiot: Hey, this ain't good! You can't put the floppy first! You can't! I didn't need to on mine!
Me: That's how an average computer is set up. This'll come in handy later on.
Idiot: It's not right! It ain't gonna work!
Me: Shut it. I know what I'm doing.
Idiot: Hahahahahahahaha!
(Unsurprisingly, this was the dude who had reinstalled Windows four times and still wasn't able to run his computer properly by the end of the class. We had had a total of seven hours this week to get up and running, and his own computer could not even boot from the CD-ROM drive now.)


#9: Wherein listening becomes a miracle of God.
Teacher: I brought my laptop to show you. See these? I'm pointing at them right now. These are the USB plugs. We'll be using these a lot. You! Where are the USB plugs?
Student: Here.
Teacher: Good! See them well over here? You, where are the USB plugs?
Student: Here.
Teacher: You! Where are the USB plugs?
Student: Here.
Teacher: Good, good! Do you see well at the rear? Look at my finger, I'm pointing at them right now, those two rectangular holes. You, where are the USB plugs?
Student: Here.
Teacher: Excellent! You, where are the USB plugs?
Idiotess: I don't know...


#10: Wrong on just one level... but a big one.
Teacher: OK guys, I came in and noticed there were about fifty Ethernet cables plugged into the hub. We're twenty. THAT IS NOT GOOD. So that goes, that goes, that goes... *unplugs all the Ethernet cables* All right, now, I want your computer numbers. I'll take care of the plugging. If there's any problem, call me up, and I'll take care of it.
Student: 1 A!
Teacher: Done.
Student: 2 A!
Teacher: Done.
Student: 3 B!
Teacher: Done.
(After a while, he finishes plugging all the correct cables in the right place.)
Teacher: Now, I don't want to see anyone touching that hub. We're twenty, there's twenty cables plugged. That's the way it should be. If there's a problem, if you can't access the network, just talk to me and I'll fix it.
(5 minutes later, there's a mass of people fiddling around the hub.)
Teacher: Hey! Step away from there! If there's a network problem, call me up, do not play around with the cables on the hub!
(5 minutes later, there's another group of people trying their luck on the hub.)
Teacher: Hey! Back to your seats now! I said, if there's a problem with you connecting to the network, raise your hand and I'll take care of it. Do not touch the hub, that isn't any of your business.
(5 minutes later, yet another group of people masses around the hub and begins to try different plugs.)
Teacher: Get back to your seats! I'm in charge of that thing! Go! Now!
(Halfway into the class, we're back to having over fifty Ethernet cables plugged into the hub in all sorts of configurations, some going from the hub and back into the hub. Ironically, everyone who went to the hub to try to fix the prob themselves still couldn't connect to the network by the end of class.)


#11: Three weeks later...
Our hardware teacher has been explaining to us the job of a motherboard for three weeks now, going over each component many, many times over along with providing us with a large photocopied compendium full of useful information. Today, after three grueling hours of straight theory, he had just finished explaining, re-explaining, re-re-explaining and re-re-re-explaining what a Chipset does on a motherboard.
Teacher: Does everyone understand? Does everybody understand this? This is very important for the next lab, I need everyone to understand this otherwise you'll be stuck. * turns to the Idiotess of The Hill * Did you understand?
Idiotess: ( With an air of defiance ) No.
I left the class.


#12: Patch Panel Woes
We come into software class and I realize through my browser that the school's proxy server isn't letting anybody on the Internet today. I start up a solitaire while overhearing a conspiracy theory around me.
Idiot #1: What's the hell's up with the network? I can't go on MSN!
Idiot #2: I bet it's the damned patch panel again. It always fucks up!
Idiot #1: Let's check this out. I bet it's this cable.
Idiot #2: Nah, still not working.
Idiot #3: What the hell you guys doing? You're fucking up the network! No wonder why it's not working!
Idiot #1: But I'm certain it's this cable here! I saw the teacher plugging it in the other day!
Me: ...Guys, it's the proxy. The proxy's closed down today.
Idiot #2: We know! It's because of that patch panel that doesn't wanna work!


#13: Wherein no one is a prophet in his own country.
Everybody's chattering among each other.
Teacher: OK guys, class is about to start up. I'll let the computers run on your side since I know some of you need to finish their partitions - do it as long as it's stuff that can be done in the background. If I hear too much talking, I'll be forced to cut the juice and you won't have anything to do but listen to me. Did I make myself clear?
Everybody resumes talking.


#14: KILL YOURSELF.
Idiot: Ma'am... Ma'am! What do I put?

This question might have been valid had the context not been explained properly.

I know the context.

Believe me, I lost all references of right and wrong in my mind when I heard that phrase.

Today, in class, we write a few programs. Teacher tells us to write a prog that asks the user for two numbers. The program adds the numbers and then displays the sum.

The dude in front of me writes the program, compiles it, runs it. There pops the familiar DOS window and the words "Enter your first number:"

He turned to the teacher and said "Ma'am... Ma'am! What do I put?"

While my jaw was making its way to China, the teacher answered as if it was a normal ol' question.

I mean, come on.

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO INPUT IN HIS OWN GOD DAMNED PROGRAM!!!


Best of all...

...he did it TWICE!

He wrote ANOTHER program where something was expected the user and AGAIN asked what to put!!

About 90% of the class is composed of Arabic people. And this particular bunch is notorious for talking during class. When the teacher's speaking in front.

I had done my lab and homework in the morning during theory. I had finished right before lunch, so the teacher asked me if she could instead look at my work after lunch. I said all right.

When we get back, she informs me she'll give the students the last 5 minutes of theory and then check my work.


#15: KILL YOURSELF TWO
Teacher: OK, now we're gonna talk about the Switch instruction, which...
*everyone's speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher: Excuse me! French only in class please. Speak whatever language you want during breaks or after school, but as long as you're in class, it's against the rules to speak any other language than French.
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher: Looks like I haven't made myself clear. We want to understand each other. And if everybody speaks in a different language, we won't know what you're saying.
*silence*
Teacher: Now, the Switch command *arabic* is really useful since *arabic* it can do more than the IF ELSE we were used to before. *arabic-arabic-arabic* For example... Hey!
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher: Haven't you listened? FRENCH IN CLASS.
Idiotess: But there are some expressions that can't be translated!
Teacher: And that's exactly why you won't say them in the first place.
Me: Someone speaks Arabic to someone else. Who says he didn't just say "Hey, that dude in the red shirt is a dumbass"?
*laughter*
Teacher: Continuing with the Switch statement...
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher: ...
Idiot #1: (this one wasn't Arabic) It's for learning! I'm trying to immerse myself in the Arabic language!
Teacher: You'll do it outside class!
Me: (I speak to a Peruvian) Hey [Bob], do you speak Spanish?
Bob: *laughs*
Me: 'Cause if you do, I have a devilish plan in my mind!
*laughter*
*Another idiot stands up to go fool around with the network's patch panel*
Teacher: ...
Idiot #2: ...?
Teacher: Sit.
Idiot #2: But my Inter--
Teacher: Sit!!
*Idiot #2 gets back to his seat, grumbling*
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*

At this point, the teacher leans herself on top of a computer monitor, crosses her arms over it and lowers her head on her arms. She stays in this position for a few moments before giving me a "come here" motion.

I open up my computer to show her my work.

Me: The OR check's here, the two others there. For this one, I used this way but...
Teacher: Here, do it that way next time, it'll be shorter.
Me: That's what I thought. Well, that's everything?
Teacher: Yep. Have a good weekend. (Then, whispering:) We ain't out of the woods yet...
Me: I know. Good luck!
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*

I check my watch as I exit the class. 40 minutes have elapsed and the teacher hasn't had the opportunity to finish a 5 minute speech.


#16: Dyslexia Simulator
Me: You need to insert your floppy disk. OK, turn off your computer. No, not the screen! The computer! No! This. The box. Big button. No, not the small one, the big one. OK, take out your hard drive. Good. Now insert the floppy. No, other way. Wait, wait, hang on, stop. Stop. We'll take it from the beginning. Round part face down. OK. Now insert it with the metal part at the front - no, other front! Other front! There, OK, there! Now start it up. Big button.

Need I mention we're already at mid-term?


#17: A Broken Continuum
Teacher: How many months have 31 days?
Idiot: ...I don't know.


The Arab Krew has been trying to get all their exams pushed back since the beginning of the semester. This lead to:

#18: George W. School
Idiot: Hey man, we trying to get the math exam pushed back a week. Waddya think?
Me: The math exam?
Idiot: Yeah! We don't understand anything! The teacher is crap!
Me: He wouldn't be crap if you guys actually listened in class.
Idiot: Hey maybe not them, but I listen. I don't talk! And I still have trouble.
Me: Well, I don't believe you.
Idiot: Anyway, you with us? Come on, we gotta get that exam pushed back or we're done for!
Me: Dude, it's an intra. Intrasemestrial. A big one. You can't push these back at your own whim.
Idiot: But the teacher didn't even tell us! He came in just today and said the exam was Friday! This is crap!
Me: Actually, he told you guys about it two weeks ago. You had the entire Spring Break to study.
Idiot: That's bullshit! He didn't say it! Ever! And now he's not pushing back the exam because one person doesn't want the exam pushed back!
Me: ...
Idiot: Seriously, this is crap!
Me: So you're trying to say me disagreeing with pushing back the exam is the cause of your troubles?
Idiot: That's right! It's your fault!
Me: Haha! I don't think you're aware of what you're saying. Not a single teacher can push back an intra. Not now, not ever. Whether I agree with pushing back or not. It doesn't make a difference.
Idiot: Hey, I talked to the teacher, and he says it's because you didn't want the exam pushed back that he can't push it back! He says he can't push back an exam because one person doesn't want to!
Me: I think the correct version was "he can't push back an exam at the whim of just one student."
Idiot: Uh... yeah, I suppose so!
(He doesn't realize I was trying to tell him the teacher was telling the exact opposite of what he had understood)
Me: Besides, look at Jack here. Just take programming as an example. Jack hasn't programmed in his life, ever. And still, he masters the subject. Because he's WOKEN UP and he LISTENS in class compared to the others. He does his work.
Idiot: But programming is another subject! I understand it too!
Me: Well, see, programming class is tomorrow. Get your work done, you'll have all afternoon to review your maths, which is more than enough time to get yourself current.
Idiot: No, it's not okay! We gotta get it pushed back!
Me: ...
Idiot: COME ON! You with us or against us?
Me: You know what? I don't even give a shit what you guys do.
Idiot: And you Jack? You with us?
Jack: Do whatever the hell you guys want.


The next one is a little story!

#19: The Phat Pipe
Jack: Hey [Shuri], hear this. Remember, THE idiotess? Well, she pulled another one last Monday in Windows XP class. You know I always gotta watch my cable on the panel because people keep stealing each other's network cables, right? Well, she didn't have a connection, so she went and took the BIG RED CABLE, unplugged it from where it was and plugged it into her spot! She stole the Internet access all to herself!
Me: Holy shit, why doesn't she quit already?!


#20: Exam Time!
Teacher: Please don't talk during the exam.
*chatter-chatter*
Teacher: Please don't talk during the exam!
*chatter-chatter*
Teacher: I said don't talk during the exam!
*chatter-chatter*
Teacher: What the hell don't you guys understand?! BE QUIET!
*chatter-chatter*
*principal comes in*
Principal: Next person to talk gets his exam taken away and given a fail.
*principal leaves*
*chatter-chatter*

Somehow, nobody got his copy taken away.


#21: Exam Time Two!
Teacher: Reminder: variable names must not contain spaces.
Idiot #1: Ma'am!
Teacher: Yes?..... Hey, variable names must not contain spaces.
Idiot #2: Ma'am! Can you check here? It's not working.
Teacher: Variable names! No spaces! There are two spaces here! No spaces, I said!
*...*
Idiot #3: Ma'am, excuse me.
Teacher: What?...... VARIABLE NAMES MUST NOT CONTAIN SPACES! EVER!


#22: Memory Dumped
Idiot: Ma'am, I have a problem with this program, it doesn't work.
Teacher: Okay, run it.
Idiot: ...
Teacher: Run it!
Idiot: ...
Teacher: Are you telling me you don't know how to run your program?!
Idiot: Uh...


#23: Pre-emptive Blowout
Teacher: Okay, for our next module, we'll be looking at functions. Stuff like linear functions, quadratic functions - or parabolas, exponential functions and logarithmic functions. All these will be used for calculating money evolution. Stuff like interest rates and funds for example-- yes?
Idiot: Sir! I don't understand a single thing.
Teacher: ...I haven't even begun to teach the matter yet.


#24: Laying The Smack Down
Teacher: I've corrected your mini-project. First, I want to tell that plagiarizing is dealt with by giving an instant zero on the work. I thought that was well-known of you guys. Eight of the copies I received were identical to each other, down to even the spelling mistakes. They were named "Lab #3" even though this was a HOMEWORK. They all had the word "vaiable" somewhere in a comment. There were a lot of other copied things too aside from those eight, but these guys at least had the idea of fixing the spelling mistakes. You're free to rant about this to the principal - he's well aware of the problem among you. Prepare to waste your breath.
Jack: Oooohhh, burn...


Note: the numbers 15 and 75 sound alike in the French language.

#25: Count to 25!
Teacher: So, I want to create two partitions on a 500 megabyte hard disk. One has to be seventy-five percent of the disk. What is seventy-five percent of five hundred?
Idiot: Five hundred!
Teacher: No, I said seventy-five percent of five hundred.
Idiot: Well, yeah, five hundred!
Teacher: ...No, wait, I'll repeat. I want seventy-five percent of five hundred.
Idiot: Oh, sorry! I heard fifteen percent.


#26: Count Backwards
Teacher: So, on this other drive, I want three quarters of it to use Windows on. That drive's four gigabytes capacity. What's three quarters of four gigs?
Idiot: Uh... One? Uh!... Wait, Four! Four!!
Jack: OH MY GOD, IT'S THREE!!! THREE QUARTERS! THREE OVER FOUR!!! THREE GIGABYTES!!!
Teacher: ...It's three.
Idiot: Oh...


#27: By Elimination
Me: Where's my boot disk? Anybody have it?
Student: I passed it to the other guys over there.
Me: Hey guys, got my boot disk?
Idiot: Uh, no, I don't think so. We're just working in DOS.
Me: Anybody? Anybody in the room got my boot disk? A beige disk with a yellow label on it? No?
Idiot: Well, ours is green, so that can't be it...
Me: My boot disk must be around somewhere! Is everybody sure they don't have it?... You guys, show me your computer. There's a "green" disk inside? I wanna look at it.
Idiot: Sure, this computer's ours, but as I said, we're working on--
Me: FUCKING HELL, IT'S BEIGE!!!


#28: Common mistakes made in the MS Word midterm test


#29: Not a Tile Left Unturned
Teacher: Question: let's say the BIOS doesn't detect the hard drive. What do you do?
Idiot: I check the BIOS.
Teacher: Yeah but the BIOS doesn't detect it.
Idiot: Well then... I go into the BIOS.
Teacher: But the BIOS isn't detecting the hard drive!
Idiot: Well, I'd check the BIOS first...
Jack: OH MY GOD! YOU CAN'T! THE BIOS DOESN'T GET THE DAMNED DRIVE! IT'S USELESS! BUT YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE THAN THE BIOS!! YOU'RE FUCKED YOU SHITHEAD!!!



And finally, yet another one of those...



#30: KILL YOURSELF THREE
We hit rock bottom so often that it's dug all the way to China and blown up fifteen Terra Cotta Army statues. This time, the rock had nowhere to go but go even bottomer from my position and is thus preparing for a launch into space, seeking a bottom that's even more bottom than the center of the Earth. It's going for the sun to blow it up and kill all life as we know it.

That rock is out for business.

Today, Jack and I arrive into hardware class for the second part of a 4-class project. In the first part, we build a computer. In the second part, we partition and format the drives. In the third part, we install Windows, and in the last part, we set up a network.

We come in. Our computer is gone.

Everyone searches around, until Jack finds a suspicious-looking box...

Jack: I SAW IT COMING! I SO FUCKING SAW IT COMING! THOSE IDIOTS STOLE OUR BOX AND TOOK IT FOR THEIRS!! LOOK! LOOK AT THE MARK I HAD LEFT!!!

Indeed, Jack had left a noticeable mark on the case last class using his screwdriver. The offending team had ripped off our name sticker, stuck it under the table, and applied their own sticker on the box. DUMBEST MOVE EVER. We now have their names, black ink on white sticker paper.

The culprits are not in our group since the lab class is split in two. In the meantime, the teacher takes away their sticker and applies it on a random computer that's missing half its parts.

Jack: I don't get it. I seriously don't get it. How can you be STUPID enough to replace a sticker with yours?!
Me: I dunno, but I sure ain't gonna help anyone anymore at this school. We give free help at their whim and to any question they ask and the fuckers repay us this way. HEY TEACHER! If you don't give 'em a speech next class, I will!

The teacher was too busy laughing to answer.


#31: Respecting Traditions
At the beginning of the session, the teacher suggested we try to use the same computer everytime since we use portable hard drives and the hardware between each computer is slightly different.

Today, I get in and find out something is busted on my usual computer. There's another free one nearby so I take that one instead.

The dude who used to sit there arrives 30 minutes late and starts bitching.

Idiot #1: Hey, man, you sittin' at my place.
Me: You're late.
Idiot #1: Hey c'mon, that's not fair!
Me: You're 30 minutes late. You technically shouldn't even be allowed in when class begins.
Idiot #1: Hey man, I'm gonna file a complaint to the principal 'cause you took my place! That's not fair, c'mon, that's my place--
Me: Hey! Let's get something straight. I came in, my usual computer wasn't working, so I went and used another one. You came into class 30 minutes late when being late should really be absent. You can't get on your own computer? Tough shit. Had you come in time and sat there as usual, I wouldn't have been able to do anything. But you're late. You have zero power.
Idiot #1: Aw man, that's not fair, that's so not fair...

As he walks away, another idiot next to me quips:

Idiot #2: Hey dude, if you want, y'know, if you want me to give 'im a beating in an alley, just ring me up dude.
Me: Don't worry. I'm more than fine by myself.


#32: Teamwork & Burns
We have a project to do in Windows XP class: Install a new instance of Windows XP, and configure it for a fictious medical and dental clinic, with users, groups, permissions and policies and all that. We have a month to do it and I get it done in two hours. All I have to do now is get the teacher to evaluate my setup and then I have to type a short report about it.

The nice thing though is that the teacher keeps repeating we're his worst class in his entire career of teaching. And this makes his treatments of favor towards me more and more outlandish...

Me: I'm ready when you are.
Teacher: Coming... OK, let's see that, message pops up, good, no user shown on the login screen, good... OK, now show me the user permissions... For the power user-- OK, good, next, policies. Good, now the folders...

The teacher basically looks at a single item for each of his criterias and then trusts me by word for everything else, making what should have been a 15 minute correction take less than 5.

Teacher: Excellent. Want to skip the boring report?
Me: Ah, oh, sure.
Teacher: All right. Excellent work. *shakes my hand* You're getting 110%.

He then stands up.

Teacher: Hey everybody, I'm happy to announce that this guy here got 110% on his project! That's no joke. It's really gonna be written 110% on his report card. Uh-huh! 110%! I'm not kidding!
Student behind me: (whispering to himself) Dude, wtf...


Introducing a new person, John! Once again, a fictious name.



Which brings me to...



#33: A Factory of Burns
Written by John on the board before class one day: When the teacher's speaking, SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTHS.

Reply from the teacher: Want them to understand that?

John nods.

The teacher translated it in Arabic.

The expression on the faces of the Arab Krew was priceless.

#34: A Factory of Burns Two
During the mini-test...
Jack: Hey, are you aware the Arabs in the back are giving the answers to each other everytime you turn away?
Teacher: Oh yeah! I'm aware they're copying all the wrong answers.


#35: Phileas Fogg can suck it!
Introducing, an Idiotess who has made it a habit to never arrive on time.
Idiotess: God dammit! I told Warren to be there at nine sharp to help me with those maths but he isn't here yet! He isn't keeping his word! He's 30 minutes late now!
Me: O RLY?


#36: Captain Justice to The Rescue!
Teacher: Remember, you're not allowed to talk during the final exam!
Idiot: Whaaaaaaat? That's not fair!!


#37: Help Straight From The Tap
Idiot: Sir, which port does a printer plug into?
Teacher: ...That's question number 1 on the exam!!
Idiot: Uh... yeah...
Teacher: I can't answer that!


#38: Synchronized Failure
Idiot #1: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #2: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #3: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #4: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #5: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #6: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #7: Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #8: Can I borrow your boot disk?
That was a final, lab-based exam. You were supposed to bring in your own disks. The teacher had told everyone that every time for the past 4 weeks.


#39: Let Them Die Slowly
Teacher: OK, there's way too many people talking and whispering the answers to each other whenever I go to someone to answer his question. This is a FINAL exam and you're NOT supposed to be talking. This is too bad but from now on, I won't answer any question, no matter what it is.
Idiotess: Ma'am! Ma'am! Can you help me? My program doesn't work!
Teacher: ...That's your problem, you have to figure it out.
Idiotess: But it doesn't work!
Teacher: I can't help you.
Idiotess: But it won't compile!
Teacher: I can't help you!
Idiotess: It's giving me errors ma'am! It won't run!!
Teacher: Figure it out yourself! That's the point of an exam! It's open book! Use it!
Idiotess: Not fair...


Well, the semester has ended. I type this as I enjoy a nice, cold Doomsday beer and reflect upon this last, quality snippet:

#40: The Final Hurrah
In a mini-test, one of the questions were as follows:

In the Event Viewer menu of the management console, which journal contains an audit of successes and failures?



The "Journal of Montreal" (better translated as Montreal's Newspaper) is a popular and well-known newspaper in the city.

Well, guess what.

As I met the teacher just before the final exam, I learned that someone in the class really did answer The Journal of Montreal .

Teacher: Wow, and I told you it was gonna happen too!
Me: Imagine that, a column in the newspaper everytime someone puts down a wrong password.
Teacher: All right. You ready for this waste of time called a final exam?
Me: You bet.
Teacher: Cool, here it is. See you in 30 minutes!

A followup to the semester revealed that several of the would-be failures are miraculously passing their classes... even though some of them had almost never gone to class in the entire year. More to come later...

BONUS #1! A Descriptive Problem
We're setting up a MS Access database...
Idiotess: Sir... Sir! The test box "Description" in design mode... you put the data in there, right??


BONUS #2! A Time Problem
Teacher: Now that most people are here (and not the week before), I'll restate the modalities of this class. You have to do your work to pass this class. You have to arrive on time!
Idiotess: B-b-but sir!! It's summer! Can't we come in later?
Teacher: Noooo!

Ironically, on my way up to the class floor for the first hour, I saw most of the class hanging out and playing foosball in the student lounge.


BONUS #3! Files & Fear
Seen in the input window of some idiot in front of me who had made a small program to write data to a file:

Please enter the file name: file.txt
Please enter the number of entries to store: 45


Me: Dude... close this and type "3" or "4" next time around...


BONUS #4! KILL YOURSELF: File Version
Seen in the input window of the same idiot as above, before he attempted to test his program by storing forty-five entries:

Please enter the file name: _

Idiot: Sir! File name, what do I put??


BONUS #5! Persistence is an Annoying Virtue
Class had started 10 minutes ago.
Idiot: *knock-knock*
Teacher: Don't answer. So, as I was saying...
Idiot: *knock-knock*
Teacher: ...The way this particular example has to be done is by...
Idiot: *KNOCK-KNOCK!*
Me: *opens door* You're late. Come back at the break. *slams door*
Teacher: Thank you. So, if we look at this relationship here: is it an association, an aggregation or a composition?
Idiot: *knock-knock-knock!*
Teacher: ...
Idiot: *knock-knock-knock!*

The dude ended up knocking for the next 30 minutes.

Then, as the break began and we opened the door...

Idiot: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?! WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT SHIT CLOSING THE DOOR ON ME LIKE THAT! YOU'RE LIKE "YOU'RE LATE SO GET OFF" AND JUST SLAM! WHATEVER THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU MAN?! THE TEACHER MAKES THE RULES, YOU DON'T!!!
Jack: ...
Me: ... O RLY ?


BONUS #6! REPORT CARD
HARDWARE
My Mark: 90%
Class Average: 66%

MICROSOFT OFFICE
My Mark: 94%
Class Average: 59%

STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING I
My Mark: 96%
Class Average: 59%

WINDOWS XP
My Mark: 88%
Class Average: 57%

MATHEMATICS
My Mark: 85%
Class Average: 53%

In 4 out of my 5 classes, the class average ended up being an F.


BONUS #7! Listen already!
Today, we are to modelize a library's system. That is, determine who are the end users, what the system must do, and what are the different objects that the system will have to manage (books, CDs, customers, etc.)

And thus...

Teacher: All right, so which end users did you find?
Idiot: The customer, sir!
Teacher: The customer is an end user?
Idiot: Yes sir.
Teacher: OK, but who is the person behind the counter and ringing the books up?
Idiot: Well, he's an end user too.
Idiotess: Yeah! I mean, it's not like if I wanna borrow a book, I don't go to the guy at the counter and say "borrow that book for me!"
Me: Wait a mi--
Idiot: So yeah, the customer interacts with the system.
Me: Does the customer type on the computer?
Idiotess: What?!...
Me: The end user is the person who acts on the system via computer.
Idiotess: Yeah but the customer acts on the system too! By borrowing the books!
Me: No, it doesn't work that way. The end user is the person who uses the computer in the end run. The guy behind the counter is an end user of the system. The customer doesn't touch the computer, thus he isn't an end user.
Idiotess: So what?! It's like the customer doesn't exist or something?!
Teacher: OK, now that we determined that the customer is not an end user, can you name the others that you found please?
Idiot: The borrowing!
Idiotess: The customer!


BONUS #8! The Execution
This morning, we came into class, did our work as usual, and then left to eat lunch.

We came back at 1 o' clock to hear the teacher announce that his contract with the school has come to an end. He picks up his things and leaves. Most of the idiots chase after him but he slams his car door in their face and speeds off.

The idiots thus run into the vice-principal's office to ask WTF is going on. All of a sudden, the people who had a tooth against the teacher wanted him back. O Lawd!

The principal isn't here - he's the one who called the shot. So the vice-principal calls him up and tells him to get down there ASAP.

Thirty minutes later, the VP, the principal and eight students are locked into a room to discuss things out. What happens then?

Everybody STFU.

Yep, not a word comes out. Not that they're within ear (and punch) shot of everyone else in the class, they don't want to say a thing. They've been bitching to the principal and the vice-principal for almost a year about every single teacher out there, and it was only a matter of time until he gave in.

Somehow, a similar thing happened last week. Last Wednesday, the VP came into the class while the teacher was gone and said he had received complaints. The two idiotesses left basically shot down the teacher with their words and asked that he be fired right this instant .

So the VP went "OK, the teacher is back, so let's discuss that with him."

Teacher enters.

Once again, everybody STFU.

All of a sudden, everything is well and everything is good, everybody's an angel, oh me oh my! No more complains, waddya know!

So my friends and I were pretty much laughing at this since now that the teacher was gone, everybody wanted him back! Who cares whether you asked for him to be fired. Now you want him back for some reason even God wouldn't try finding out.

And thus, the principal ended up saying: "Well, I guess I'll have to call the teacher, present my apologies and ask him that he come back to teach the class... if he wants to."

After all, the contract's broken. Nobody's forcing our teacher to take one up again.

Naturally, during this so-called conference, I've told the principal that if only the tardiness rule had been strictly applied, only my two friends and I would be left in this class, and no one else. Against my wildest expectations, nobody dared to retort back on this one.

Tomorrow, it's back to square one. Whatever happens, there will be teacher in class. There will be me, my two friends, and the rest of the idiots.

And I can guarantee you it'll happen all over again soon.


BONUS #9! The Aftermath of Bonus #8
Well, it's tomorrow, as in, the day after the events of Bonus #8.

Our ol' teacher is still here.

My two friends and I arrived on time.

The Idiotess arrived a half-hour late. Her friend arrived almost an hour late.

One of the idiots had an appointment, of which he told the administration beforehand to be legally excused today.

The remaining two idiots never came to class. They have been watching a movie downstairs for the whole time.

Everything is as usual, and as expected. As if yesterday's conversation never happened.


BONUS #10! The Incorrect Cheat Sheet
During our latest exam, Jack saw a bunch of papers on the floor.

At the end of the test, after everyone leaves, he picks them up and hands them to the teacher. They were all answers the two idiotesses of the group had exchanged between each other.

The teacher took out his red pen.

Teacher: Wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong...!



BONUS #11! Report Card Again

UML: 94%
Database: 96%
C Programming II: 99%

Lowest final mark given this summer to a student, all classes together: 72%

What the fuck?...

DOUBLE BONUS #1! The New Semester
Well, here comes a new semester again, with new classes, new teachers and even more material to study. I thought I was finally gonna get it easy... Think again.

All the Arabic students from my summer class have passed and attend all my classes for the Fall semester.

All the Arabic students I had seen during Winter but not Summer are back too.

Hence, the Arab Krew is whole once again.

Introducing a new contender:



MONDAY: The teachers for both of my classes never showed up.
TUESDAY: Ben, who gives Database II on Tuesday, called on Monday to tell us he couldn't make it, so I got the day off.
WEDNESDAY: Ben enters on morning for Java class and delivers the course outline. I am the only person to attend the class. At 10:00 AM, we have Network class. Right before Ben leaves, the summer portion of the Arab Krew comes in, and thus Ben gets to see he's stuck with the idiots once again. The Network teacher never shows up. I have three more hours of Java at 2:00 PM... but this time, Ben doesn't show up either.

I was supposed to have 6 classes total, and only 1 was given so far. Of the 5 that weren't given, one was given a reason for it. As far as the other teachers go, the administration is still attempting to reach them. Fruitlessly.

DOUBLE BONUS #2! #2 is for shit.
Idiot: Sir! What do we use to write web pages?
Teacher: Notepad.
Idiot: What?
Teacher: Notepad.
Idiot: But how do we put the code together?
Teacher: We don't need to.
Me: HTML isn't a language that needs to be compiled.
Idiot: So we don't use Visual Studio?!
Teacher ...No.
Idiot: Aw SHIT!!


DOUBLE BONUS #3! Head or no head
Teacher: Next, we'll be taking a look at the "head" tags in web pages. We won't be using them too often so I'll only do a quick overview of them. They mainly serve to show up the title of the page, for instance.
Idiot: Sir, this is too much!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #4! Jack is blue, I am red.
Teacher: We use a special code to show up colors in web pages. We put a square sign (#) followed by three pairs of numbers, ranging from 0 to F. Each pair of numbers represents a value of a particular color, being red green and blue in order. We call that an RGB code. So let's say I write FF, 00, and 00. Which color will that give me?
Idiot #1: Black!
Teacher: No, it'll be red. See here, I set the red portion of the value to its maximum. Now what if I write 00, FF and 00 as my RGB value? What will I get?
Idiot #2: Yellow!


DOUBLE BONUS #5! The All-Knowing Teacher?
Idiot: Sir! Do you have the registration key for Windows XP?
Teacher: No, I don't.

15 minutes later...

Same Idiot: Sir! Do you have the registration key for Windows XP?
Teacher: No!
Idiot: I thought all teachers knew that!!
Teacher: No, I'm afraid that isn't the case.
Idiot: ...This is a crock of shit!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #6! I can work- wait a minute, I can't!
Idiot: Sir!! When do we start the exercises and all that? I wanna do something!
Teacher: Oh, we'll start that soon enough, don't worry.
Idiot: OK, cool!

15 minutes later...

Teacher: All right, I finished theory for today, so if you want, you can start right ahead with the first exercise.
Same Idiot: Sir! I can't do it today because I have to format my computer!


DOUBLE BONUS #7! I'm lazy!
Teacher: Variables in Visual Basic are declared this way: "Dim Name As Type". Some examples: "Dim Age As Byte", "Dim Average As Single" or "Dim Name As String".
Idiot: Sir! We're gonna have to write all that ?!


DOUBLE BONUS #8! Guilty By Association
Idiot: Sir! You write too small! I can't see a thing.
Teacher: I don't write too small. You're too far away from me.
Idiot: No, you really write too small!
Teacher: You're sitting at the far end of the class, my friend. That's a sign.
Idiot: A sign of what?! You think I'm doing something illegal?!
Teacher: Hey, I didn't say what kind of sign yet.
Idiot: *grumble*
Teacher: Usually when people go at the far back, it's because they're insecure. They don't want others to see what they're doing. Maybe they're doing something that's not catholic, you know...
Idiot: I'm not even catholic, I'm a Muslim!
Teacher: Whatever, that's just an expression. It means you're doing something you're not supposed to do.
Idiot: Oh, no no no, we're good students. Doing nasty stuff, only the Quebecker kids to that.
Me: (whispering to Jack) Is he seeking me out?

I later heard the same idiot speaking Arabic to his friend, and distinctly heard "Quebecker" in his conversation somewhere. Hmm.


DOUBLE BONUS #9! Does it work that way?
Teacher: I won't be teaching the... language, in a sense. I'll be teaching you the method. So if your program doesn't compile, I'll be standing behind you, and I'll ask you question to help you find the problem yourself. I won't be looking through your code for you.

Idiot: Oh no sir, it doesn't work that way.
Teacher: Yes it does.
Idiot: No it doesn't!
Teacher: Ohhh, believe me, it does...


DOUBLE BONUS #10! Face Hypocrisy
Idiot: I assure you, sir! We're always on time!

This came from the guy who came in a 45 minutes late.

Idiot: And the others, they're always on time too, I swear!


DOUBLE BONUS #11! The Side Effects of Exposure to The Krew
The following is an MSN conversation between John and I:

John: Can you help me with something?
Me: Sure, what is it?
John: I'm having trouble burning my Linux files.
Me: Did you install the burning software I sent you?
John: Yeah but it asks me for a registration code.
Me: It was in the zip. Serial.txt
John: Ah crap, how could I miss it... OK, got it, it works now. But it says the RAR is too big to burn on the CD.
Me: You mean the ISOs I hope?!
John: Yes, yes, the ISO.
Me: Are you sure you have the right ISO anyway?
John: It's FC-5-i386-DVD.iso That's Fedora Core 5, correct?
Me: Wait a minute - are you trying to burn a DVD to a CD?
John: ...Ah shit. That was stupid.
Me: You've been hanging out with the Arab Krew way too much, man.


DOUBLE BONUS #12! Language Barrier
Teacher: All right, open up Visual Studio, and you'll choose to make a new "Console Application" project. Do that now.
Idiot: Sir! I can't find "Console Application" but I see "Application Console"... are they the same?


DOUBLE BONUS #13! In a Timely Manner
Teacher: OK, today we'll begin the theory so you can be ready for Lab 2.
Idiot: Sir! SIR!! I didn't finish Lab 1!!!

For the record, Lab 1 consisted of copying an HTML code of about a page long in size 14 - therefore, about 30 lines, a third of which were empty. The class had a full 3 hours to do it.


DOUBLE BONUS #14! Language Barrier Two
Teacher: By the way, I keep hearing people speaking Arabic among each other, and I'd like to recall that it is school policy that students speak French during class.
Idiot: SIR!!! That's impossible! We can't control ourselves!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #15! BURN!
Teacher: Now, the text topic will--
*knock-knock*
Teacher: (opens door) You're late.
Idiot: I was just gone for a smoke sir.
Teacher: Then quit smoking!!


DOUBLE BONUS #16! The Twilight Zone
We have class from 8:00 AM 'till 9:50 AM.
Some idiot comes in at 9:45 PM.


5 minutes later...

Teacher: Well, all right, see y'all next week.
Idiot: (looks around helplessly) What?!! It's already over?!


DOUBLE BONUS #17! Denying The Cakewalk
Teacher: I've written some code on the board. Copy it, compile it and run the program.
Idiot: SIR! My program has errors!
Teacher: Well, mine doesn't.


DOUBLE BONUS #18! Denying The Cakewalk II
Windows 2003 Server Startup Screen: "Press CTRL+ALT+DELETE to start."
Idiotess: What do I do??


DOUBLE BONUS #19! Treasure Hunt
Teacher: I'll be checking the homework I gave you last Tuesday, if you can open it up please...
Idiot: SIR! I did it but I don't remember where I saved it.


DOUBLE BONUS #20! Civil Disobedience
Teacher: Hang on! No drinks in class.
Idiot: (holding a Pepsi can) It's OK sir!
Teacher: Is it open?
Idiot: Yes but I won't drink it!
Me: *CHOKE*
Teacher: I don't care, get this out.
Idiot: It's OK sir! I swear! I'll put it far away!
Teacher: Get this out!
Idiot: It's OK!
Teacher: ...
Idiot: *sits down at desk*
Teacher: *glares at idiot*
Idiot: *looks at teacher*
Teacher: *glares at idiot*
Idiot: *turns his computer on and acts as if nothing happened*


DOUBLE BONUS #21! Le Break
Idiot: SIR! It's break time.
Teacher: ...What?
Idiot: It's ten to the hour. Break time.
Teacher: No break.
Idiot: WHAT?! WHY?!
Teacher: 'Cause it's only a two hour class; there's a lotta stuff to do.
Idiot: There HAS to be a break.
Teacher: Suit yourself.
Idiot: *gets out*
Student: *closes and locks door*

The idiot made no attempt to come back for the remainder of the class. At least we didn't see him through the window.


DOUBLE BONUS #22! DOUBLE KILL YOURSELF
Jack: Lost my Internet...
Me: Me too- aw shit, I know...

Someone had taken the "Big Red Cable" that feeds Internet to the class and took it all for himself. I swiftly plug the cable back where it belongs.

A few minutes later...

Me: What the...
Jack: Lost Internet.
Warren: Me too.
Me: Lemme check again... OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT DID THIS?!

Someone had taken the Big Red Cable again, had plugged it in the hub... and BACK INTO THE HUB.

Nice going. Now the hub's able to talk to itself. BRA-FUCKING-VO. Useless. Fucking idiots.

I go downstairs with the BRC, find some colored tape and wrap it around both ends of the cable in the shape of a flag, before going back to class and plugging it once again where it rightfully belongs.

Idiotess: Jack, why didn't the Internet work?
Idiot #1: I DIDN'T DO IT!
Idiot #2: ME NEITHER!


DOUBLE BONUS #23! The Showdown
This is the best word I found to describe what happened today. We started off slow, a class of Windows 2003 management, then a class of SQL II, finishing off with a class of PHP. Today, we were going to be focusing on arrays.

A quick reference for those who do not work with programming: an array is essentially like putting a series of boxes, one after another, labeling them and putting things in them. As such, I could have an array of four values, containing 4, "potato", "387" and "Jack Thompson" in order, and have each "box" marked from 1 to 4. Better yet, I could label each box any way I wished.

The Idiotess had been asking about 6 questions in the span of the last three minutes, interrupting the teacher mid-sentence. As her questions gradually reach into the realm of the elementary stupid, people around her start giggling...

Idiotess: SIR!!! Can we give no label to the elements of an array?
Everyone Else: *laughter*
Teacher: What do you mean exactly?
Idiotess: I mean the labels of each elements of an array. Can we, like, give them no label at all?
Everyone Else: *laughter*
Teacher: ...If this is a joke, I don't find it funny.
Idiotess: This is NOT a joke. It's a honest question. I REALLY don't understand!
Teacher: Actually, we'll do something. I've been constantly interrupted as I've explained the theory. It slows down the class and makes the matter just harder to understand. So from now on, I'll be explaining the theory, uninterrupted, and then ask at the end if there are any questions.
Idiotess: But I have so many questions I wouldn't remember them all by the time you finish!
Idiot: SIR! That's not the way we do things!!!
Teacher: Maybe not for you, but this is the way I operate, and this is the way I have always operated.
Idiot: It doesn't work that way!
Teacher: I've taught for fifteen years now, in France, USA and Canada. And no matter where I was, it was the same way of doing things, and it's worked. Now let's get back to the theory on the arrays so we can get it done.
Idiotess: Sir, no, that's not the way it's gonna happen.
Teacher: ...*sigh* I've been given permission by the principal to teach my class as I see fit. And I expect you all to have the discipline to wait until it is your turn to speak before asking questions. I am saying that especially to you.

She becomes red like a lobster.

Idiotess: Are you targeting me?!
Teacher: Yes, I am.
Idiotess *stands up and SCREAMS:* I AM PAYING FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SESSION TO ATTEND THIS COLLEGE AND I EXPECT TO BE GIVEN THE EDUCATION I HAVE THE RIGHT TO!!!
Teacher: And I won't tolerate students being disorderly in my class.
Idiotess: I AM NOT DISORDERLY!!! YOU ARE REFUSING TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WE ASK YOU IN ORDER TO LEARN!!! THAT'S IT!!! YOU JUST WANT TO TEACH YOUR CLASS AND GO AND BE LEFT ALONE!!! YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO TALK TO YOU!!!
Teacher: All right, that's it, I've had enough. I'll ask you to get out of my class.
Idiotess: NO!!! I'M STAYING HERE!!!
Teacher: Very well. I'll go get the principal. He'll remove you.

As he opens the door, he stops and turns around.

Teacher: Is there a class representative here?
Me: *chuckles* If there's one, he's hiding.
Everyone: [Shuri]!!
Me: I'm not fucking representing for that one.
Everyone: *laughter*
Teacher: Well, you [Shuri] and you there, please follow me outside.

I am called out along with a returning member of the Arab Krew. The teacher closes the door behind him.

Teacher: I've tolerated this once but I won't tolerate any longer. I don't know if there is some sort of chief among you but those disturbances have got to stop. I've dealt with troublemakers before, and the principal has given me the green light to do whatever I wanted to fix any problems that arise - and that includes permanently removing a student from my class. The teacher delivers the course material, periodically asks if anyone has any questions, and uses the personal work sessions to check up on the progress of his students. Isn't that how things go in all colleges?

He turns to me. I nod.

The Arab guy melts in apologies and pleads for the teacher to turn a blind eye for once. I stand aside as a witness, since I've shown during thr first two weeks I obviously wasn't part of the group.

The teacher sends the Arab guy back into the class and closes the door once again.

Teacher: Is there a class representative... or some kind of "rooster" to police the other students a bit?
Me: No. That used to exist in elementary school, and then again to a purely political extent. Past that, it's to each his own.
Teacher: That's unfortunate... I was hoping someone could put some sense into them and tell them how things are done.
Me: Closest match is me de facto . They know I won't be afraid to talk with the administration if problems arise among them.
Teacher: No, that's fine, I don't want you getting in trouble for that. I'll just do with what I have now and see how it develops from there. Now that the tone has been set, I don't believe they'll do any more trouble in my presence. I know how these things go.

And thus, class resumed. The principal was never called - but then, nothing worth writing home about happened during the remainder of the class.


DOUBLE BONUS #24! Let time stop for me
I had HTML class on September 14 and 15, during which we talked about lists.

Teacher: OK, next time we'll look at frames!

I miss next week's classes.

I come in on the 28 and 29.

Teacher: OK, today we'll begin theory on frames.
Me: Dude, what the hell?
Jack: Honestly, what did you expect?


DOUBLE BONUS #25! Let time stop for the others
In HTML class:
Idiot: SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!

In database class:
Idiot: SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!

In Java class:
Idiot: SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!

In Windows 2003 class:
Idiot: SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!

In PHP class:
Idiot: SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #26! Multi-idling
Idiot: SIR!!! I don't understand that frameset border 20 frame spacing thingie...
Teacher: Well, okay, what didn't you just understand in the thing I've just explained? Are your headphones hindering you?
Idiot: No sir, I don't hear anything.
Teacher: I noticed.


DOUBLE BONUS #27! Attempts
Teacher: ...and then there's the intrasemestrial exam, which is on...
Idiot: DECEMBER 23!!!
Teacher: Haha, nice try...


DOUBLE BONUS #28! The same dude as Bonus #5...
Teacher: Now, next section, we'll be looking at loops and repetitive structures...
Idiot: *stands up*
Teacher: I warn you, if you go out, you don't get to come back.
Idiot: ok ok... *leaves*
Teacher: There are four repetitive structures in Visual Basic: While, Do While, Do Until and For Next. There are more but they're redundant, so we'll...
Idiot: *knock-knock-knock*
Teacher: ...be sticking to only these four.
Idiot: *knock-knock-knock*
Teacher: Let's start with the While, that's the easiest. Here's the syntax...
Idiot: *knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock*
Teacher: The Do While is essentially the same thing but...
Idiot: *BANG-BANG-BANG*
Teacher: ...there's a little difference in syntax and behavior.
Idiot: *push* *shove*
Teacher: Do Until is like an inverted Do While. Instead of specifying the condition that keeps it going, you instead tell it when to stop.
Idiot: *THUD*
Teacher: Here's the syntax for that one...
Idiot: *BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG*
Teacher: Right, that's enough... *cracks door open* I told you that if you went out you wouldn't get to come back.
Idiot: But I just wanted to--
Teacher: I don't care, I don't wanna know; you're out 'till end of class.
Idiot: But that's not fair, I have the right to--
Teacher: No, you don't have the right! I make the rules here, now get out! *closes door*
Idiot: *stands there for a half-hour, knocking occasionally, then leaves*


DOUBLE BONUS #29! Right back at ya!
Almost every class, one idiot in particular would yell out...

Idiot: SIR!!! It doesn't work!

If his program didn't compile...

Idiot: SIR!!! It doesn't work!

If his web page didn't show up the way he wanted...

Idiot: SIR!!! It doesn't work!

Or if he couldn't find the file he was looking for...

Idiot: SIR!!! It doesn't work!

Well, we were once again in Visual Basic class. We were already 20 minutes late on schedule and the teacher was more than irate already. He gave us instructions to put in a list box and to have buttons to allow us to insert and remove items in it.

Idiot: Ah! It works!
Teacher: No it doesn't.
Idiot: No, I assure you, it does work.

Let's point out here that the teacher didn't even look at the idiot's screen.

Teacher: OK then. Add an element or two in your list box.
Idiot: OK all done. I told you it worked.
Teacher: Remove all your elements.
Idiot: Yeah, that works too.
Teacher: Now click Remove again.
Idiot: ...
Teacher: It crashed, didn't it?
Idiot: Uh...
Teacher: Told ya it didn't work.


DOUBLE BONUS #30! Nowhere at the speed of light
A month ago, the teacher gave us an assignment: we had to reproduce the Windows Calculator as closely as possible, code and all. It was probably the first 'real' project the idiots ever got, one that required thorough thinking and planning, because there were a lot of possibilities to consider. I didn't recall exactly when it was due, so I asked him the week before:

Me: I've got a memory blank. When's the calculator due?
Teacher: Ohhh... It was supposed to be this Friday, but I'll make it next Tuesday instead. Hey everyone! Update on your calculator project: the due date is next Tuesday; I'm giving you all an extension.

And on that Tuesday in particular, right before the teacher leaves the class...

Teacher: By the way, those who didn't hand me their project get zero on it.
Idiot #1: WHAT?!
Idiot #2: NOT FAIR!!!
Idiot #3: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!
Idiot #4: COME ON, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FAIL US ARE YOU?!
Teacher: ...You've never seen me fail a class before? Welcome .

End result: Only four people out of twelve handed in their project: me, Jack, Warren and another Quebecker. That's a quarter of the class.

The idiots ranted a storm for the next fifteen minutes after the teacher was gone. Despite speaking Arabic, I could easily guess they were mimicking and belittling the teacher. They ended up complaining to the principal. Verdict: pending.


DOUBLE BONUS #31! Brazilian Java required
Teacher: OK, once you've copied the code on the board, compile that and input java Class1 and see what comes out.
Idiotess: Sir, it doesn't work, the console gives me strange errors when I input your command...
Teacher: Oh? All right, let's see then... Yes, that is quite a strange error all right. OK, let me see your .java file... OK, the code is good... But where's your .class file?
Idiotess: What .class file?
Teacher: When you compile your program, it's supposed to generate a .class file.
Idiotess: I thought your java command thing was the compiler command.
Teacher: ...You mean you never installed the compiler I told the class to install at the beginning of the semester?!
Idiotess: Uh...


DOUBLE BONUS #32! iSuck
Idiot: Sir! I don't get the difference between local and global variables!

(Nevermind the fact we're into the third semester...)

(And that the teacher already gave the class a rather solid reminder about local and global variables...)

Teacher: You don't?
Idiot: No sir, I don't.
Teacher: OK, I'll explain. Start by turning off your iPod.
Idiot: I'm not listening to music!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #33! Fire & Forget
Teacher: Now that we've finished all the theory and exercises on loops and repetitive structures, we're gonna take a look at arrays. So rather than declare tons of variables, we can just declare one as an array and save us some time and complications. Let's say I declare Age as an array of five elements. If I want to show the first element, I'd put down console.write(Age(0)) . For the next element, it's console.write(Age(1)), and so on and so forth.
Idiot: SIR!! Don't tell me that if we have a thousand elements, we're gonna have to write that a thousand times!! That's cruel!
Me: We just finished loops and I hear this ?...


DOUBLE BONUS #34! Failing Failsafe
*SNAP!*
Teacher: What was that?
Idiot: Oh, just me, sir; I disconnected myself from the network.
Teacher: ...Just how did you unplug your cable?
Idiot: This way: *makes a violent pulling motion*
Teacher: Did you know there was a little tab you could push on to unhook your cable?
Idiot: ...No sir, I didn't. Thanks.

Now we know why most of our network cables have a broken tab.

Let me remind you he is in his third semester with us.

And he's the one who supposedly helps the rest of the class get connected to the network.


DOUBLE BONUS #35! Break In The Wall
Idiot: *says a very long run-on sentence in Arabic, blatantly interrupting the teacher*
Teacher: Hey, ever heard of Bill 101 ?
Idiot: No sir.
Teacher: Do a research on it. I want the paper on my desk next Tuesday.


DOUBLE BONUS #36! Free of Charge
Teacher: All right, so, next time in HTML class, we'll be continuing work into the project, we'll have the intrasemestrial exam, and I'll begin theory on JavaScript.
Idiot: THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!
Teacher: It'll be easy. All you have to remember are a few HTML tags.
Idiot: No! I'll forget everything! Actually, I don't remember anything right now!
Teacher: That's the point of an exam: to study and remember.
Idiot: What will the exam be about?
Teacher: Just the HTML language...
Idiot: That's too much! Way too much!
Teacher: ...It'll just be a theory test, without notes or use of computers...
Idiot: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! We won't remember anything!! We can't write code without our notes and computers! We can't write any code on a piece of paper, how would we realize if we'd made mistakes?!
Idiotess: THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!
Teacher: All you have to do is study the most often used tags and attributes. Things like <table>, <tbody>, <a>, <p>, <frameset>, <ol>, <li>, href, src, color and background among others...
Idiot: What's that, sir? What's those symbols for?? <p>? <a>? <tr>? Why do you compare if frameset is different than ol? I don't understand anything!!!

Yes, he indeed mistook the tag brackets for the "different than" ( <> ) sign.

Teacher: Oh yes, and there will be at least one question about CSS.
Idiot: That's too much, way too much, we can't write code without our notes, internet and Dreamweaver, we need a practice exam! Otherwise we'll all fail!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #37! Observant!
Teacher: Here's a program. There's an error in this program, I'd like you to point me what it is.
Idiot: SIR!!! THERE'S AN ERROR IN THE PROGRAM!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #38! Goldfish Memory
Teacher: Now, let's look at incrementation. I declared two variables, i and j . In the first example, I say i = 3 , and j = 0 . Then I do j = ++i . The ++i part is called "pre-incrementation". What this does is add one to the variable before going through the calculation. So what's the value of j at the end? It's four. And i also has a value of four. Now in the other example, we use i++ instead. This is "post-incrementation". We increment i after the calculation. So in example two, j has a value of three, and i has a value of four.
Idiot: Sir, what's the difference between, ++i and i++??


DOUBLE BONUS #39! It happened on October 17...
Teacher: Here's an opportunity to use the AddDays function on a date. Suppose I rent a film today. It's due in two days. What do I need to write to get my answer?
Everyone: .................
Teacher: I rent a film today! What's today's date? What date will it be in two days?
Idiot: ...the 4th.


DOUBLE BONUS #40! Apples to Apples
Teacher: How to subtract a time from another. I punch in at, say, 8:30:40 and leave at 11:20:10. This is how we're going to calculate it: I subtract 40 from 10. I can't do that, so I add 60 and subtract one minute. Next, I subtract 20 from 19 minutes. Once again, we can't do that, so we add 60 on top and take off an hour. We're left with 10 minus 8. That's two hours. Total work time on your timesheet: two hours, forty-nine minutes and thirty seconds.
Idiot: B-b-but, how are we gonna code that?!
Teacher: Well, I just told you!
Idiot: No, no, you just showed us how to subtract, put what about putting it in code form??
Teacher: That is not up to me to tell you; that is your assignment for today! You code that timesheet in Visual Basic and I check up on you once you're done.
Idiot: I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, TEACHER! YOU KNOW THE LOGIC AND THE ALGORITHMS, YOU TEACH US ALL THAT, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO CODE!!!


DOUBLE BONUS #41! Politically Incorrect
Teacher: ...And that's how we calculate the work time on a work timesheet in Visual Basic.
Student: We got the calculations down for the time... but if the times we write down aren't on the same date, then we're screwed. We don't have any code prepared for that possibility.
Teacher: Haha. Well, let's take into assumption you're not a Mexican...


DOUBLE BONUS #42! Burn fresh!
Teacher: You're late.
Idiot: Sir! The subway ran out of fuel.

For your information, our city subway is electrically powered.


DOUBLE BONUS #43! Share & Straw alike
Idiot: *SLUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!*
I turn around and the idiot is noisily drinking a Coke right above his keyboard.
Idiot: ...Oh, I'm sorry! Did you want some?
Me: ...
Idiot: *SLLLLLLUUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!!!* Hee-hee-hee!


DOUBLE BONUS #44! Double Incomprehension
Teacher: Double-click on your menu item.
Idiot: *click*
Teacher: Double-click.
Idiot: *click*
Teacher: ...Double-click!
Idiot: *click*
Teacher: DOUBLE-CLICK!!
Idiot: *click*


DOUBLE BONUS #45! I want your mother's head on a stick
Teacher: OK, so, today is the mini-quiz...
Idiot #1: NO!!!
Idiotess: NOT TODAY!!!
Idiot #2: You said it was tomorrow!!
Idiot #3: Yeah, tomorrow!!!
Teacher: No, no, I'm quite certain it was today.
Idiot #1: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Idiot #3: I remember it clearly! You wrote it on the board yourself!! The quiz was tomorrow on the 3rd!
Teacher: I believe I wrote it was going to be on the 2nd, not the 3rd.
Idiot #3: No sir. It was supposed to be on the 3rd. I swear.
Teacher: Oh, then if you swear...
Idiot #3: Yes! I swear on my mother's head!
Teacher: Well, all right. Sorry about that. We'll have the mini-quiz tomorrow, Friday the 3rd.
Idiot #3: Thank you sir!
Me: ...When was the quiz scheduled?
Warren: Today! What did you expect?


DOUBLE BONUS #46! Frictionist
Teacher: I will begin the theory for today, and I'd like all computers and laptops turned off or closed, please.
Idiot #1: BUT SIR!!!
Teacher: No buts. Do as I say... You, close your laptop.
Idiot #2: ...
Teacher: Yes, you. Close your laptop.
Idiot #2: But I was just...
Teacher: *closes the laptop himself*
Idiot #2: What the hell did you do that for?!
Teacher: I asked that all computers be closed during theory. It's the rules, and I intend to enforce them.
Idiot #2: Hey! You don't touch my stuff unless you have permission, OK?!
Teacher: I don't need permission. If I see a computer with its screen turned on, I will simply turn it off.
Idiot #2: THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!! YOU TOO HARD ON US! ALWAYS COMPLAININ' ABOUT WHAT WE DO!!! I'M GOIN' TO THE PRINCIPAL AND I'M GETTIN' YOU FIRED!!!
Teacher: You go right ahead and see the principal.

Ten minutes later, the idiot came back with a sad face.

Class resumed as if nothing had happened.


DOUBLE BONUS #47! Fighto!
Teacher: OK, the test is over, hand in your copies.
Idiot #1: WAIT!!!
Teacher: Test is over, it's over. *snatches test sheet away from Idiot #2*
Idiot #2: *runs after teacher, still holding on to his copy and attempting to finish his answer*
Teacher: I SAID IT'S OVER!!! *attempts to snatch the sheet away from Idiot #3*
Idiot #3: *swiftly moves his sheet away so he can still write*
Teacher: *wrestles sheet away from Idiot #3* If you all can't behave like adults, I'll have to treat you otherwise!



I thought we had hit the bottom of the barrel several times before, but words alone couldn't describe the look on my face as I watched the idiots doing a futile attempt at TRYING TO WRITE ON THEIR SHEET WITH THE TEACHER LITERALLY RIPPING IT AWAY FROM THEM. I feel like I'm back in kindergarten. People toss pencils and erasers at each other and talk behind the teacher's back. Everytime I say something that isn't pleasant, they pull the race card on me and Jack comforts me by saying: "Don't worry. They'll just say they're not violent people, and then they'll go burn a church, as usual."


DOUBLE BONUS #48! No-Fault
Idiot #1: *disconnects a cable from the networking panel*
Idiot #2: *screams something in Arabic*
Idiot #1: *screams something back in Arabic*
Teacher: Please...
Idiot #2: *screams something else in Arabic*
Idiot #3: *starts screaming in Arabic too*
Teacher: Please, quiet...
Idiotess #1: *screams something in Arabic at Idiot #1*
Idiot #1: *screams back at Idiotess #1*
Idiotess #2: *starts screaming in Arabic as well*
Teacher: Everybody please be quiet...
Me: EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!
Idiot #2: ...Why's the French guy yelling??


DOUBLE BONUS #49! The word is not enough
Idiot: *comes in an hour late and hands a note to the teacher*
Teacher: *reads note* ...And you are here, standing in front of me just how, exactly?
Idiot: I don't understand, sir.
Teacher: ...Nevermind. Go away.
Idiot: *leaves*


DOUBLE BONUS #50! The Postman Always Rings Twice
*ding!*
Me: ?
*ding!*
*ding!*
Me: ...?!
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
Me: .................
*ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!*
I stand up and see someone furiously clicking an OK button.
Me: Dude. If the computer beeps the first time you try, it will beep every time you try.
Idiot: Hehehehehehehehe!


DOUBLE BONUS #51! Without Subtlety
Teacher: Did you guys ever do 'for' loops inside other 'for' loops?
Idiotess: No, sir!
Student: Yes we did... It was in Visual Basic class if I remember well.
Idiot #1: THAT VB TEACHER IS A FUCKING IDIOT!!! He's a racist! He's nothing, doesn't even know how to explain!!
Idiot #2: YEAH, WHAT A FUCKING RACIST!!!
Teacher: ...
Student: ...


That one was sent in by a good buddy from school. I'll keep his name anonymous to protect him from suicide bombers.

DOUBLE BONUS #52! First Amendment
Idiot: Why the hell is my MSN not working?!
Teacher: Technically, you're not even supposed to have MSN installed in your hard disk.

Then, later on...

*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding-ding-ding!*
*ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!*
*ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!*
Student: Will you quit it already?!
Idiot: *glares menacingly at Student*
Teacher: OK, time for break.
Idiot: *turns to Student* You there. Don't ever talk to me again like that. It was my MSN's fault! It was the one doing the beeps!
Teacher: I heard that. And I said it before, no MSN in my classroom.
Idiot: It's the break! I can do whatever I want!
Teacher: *seizes Idiot's laptop, and locks it into a drawer.*
Idiot: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Teacher: It's the break. I can do whatever I want.


DOUBLE BONUS #53! Great minds think alike
It's due date for an Oracle database: we had to make a DB for a chain of stores, containing articles at a certain price. One of the idiots furiously scours the Internet, finds a script to create something similar to the assignment and runs it.

Idiot #1: Can you check my work, sir?
Teacher: Sure, let's see... Why do you have a Price table?
Idiot #1: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Heheheheheheheheheheh!
Teacher: That doesn't make sense, you're not supposed to have a Price table, it serves no purpose. Correct that, will you?
Idiot #1: Yes sir.
Teacher: *walks over to Idiot #2* You, let's see what you got... Ohhhhh, you're not supposed to have a Price table either!
Idiot #2: Heheheheheheheheheheheh!


DOUBLE BONUS #54! Patriotic Duty
Teacher: All right, so, here is your final assignment. The first page is a login screen, just input the user name and password and if they are correct, then the OK button enables. There's also a combo list box that allows you to choose which section you want to navigate to. The first section is just a bunch of pictures as you can see here. Click one picture and you navigate to the next. The second section is a simple bill calculator you have to do in JavaScript. You also need to include a CSS and some DOM somewhere in your work.
Idiot: SIR! Is this assignment mandatory?
Teacher: Oh, nooooo. It's not. Whether you want to score marks or not is up to your own decision. In fact, nothing is ever mandatory. Nobody forces you to eat or drink. Living isn't mandatory either!


DOUBLE BONUS #55! Early Vacation
Teacher: OK, so, we'll begin the HTML final test now...
Idiot: SIR!!! Is this mandatory?
Teacher: No, of course not - whether you want to score 25 points on your final mark or not is up to you.


DOUBLE BONUS #56! Foot in Mouth
Teacher: Now, I will go around each computer and make sure you do not have MSN open. If you do, this is plagiarism and you will have an automatic fail. Do I make myself clear?
Idiot: NO SIR!!!


SUPER BONUS #1! Briefing, soldiers!
It's the next semester: winter 2007. It brought along its fair share of surprises, as always:

First, we learned of the mysterious, unannounced disappearances of a particular teacher of ours last semester. Turns out whenever somebody asked him a stupid question, he bailed out on the class. I don't need to tell you we saw very little of him.

Next, I found out the Arab Krew is still absolutely intact. Somehow, most of them even passed! By the skin of their teeth, but they passed nonetheless.

Yesterday, class began in the afternoon, and students came in, piecewise, the last one arriving a full hour late.

Today, the same thing happened, both morning and afternoon, the last idiot coming in an hour and a half late.


SUPER BONUS #2! Super calls, super savings!
Right in the middle of a lecture...
Idiot: *pulls out cellphone, makes a call, chatters for a minute, then hangs up.*
Teacher: Oh, who were you talking to?
Idiot: ...Nobody, sir.
Teacher: Oh, really?
Idiot: Yes... I swear...
Teacher: *stares at idiot suspiciously*
Idiot: *gives the teacher a big, huge, stupid grin*


SUPER BONUS #3! Double Bonus Marks
HTML
Me: 95%
Class Average: 66%

Windows 2003 Server
Me: 79%
Class Average: 58%

Database II
Me: 90%
Class Average: 65%

eCommerce PHP
Me: 90%
Class Average: 63%

Java
Me: 93%
Class Average: 62%

Remember that we were four out of a dozen to get high marks. I'd love to see the class average minus us four.


SUPER BONUS #4! Listen already! Again!
Teacher: So, now, the new schedule, because the replacement management guy screwed up everything. We have classes on Tuesday afternoon and Friday afternoon.
Idiot: Wait, hold on! We can't have class on Tuesday afternoon! There's already another class at that time, schedule conflict!
Teacher: Don't look at your schedule, it's screwed up, it's not valid. We have having class Tuesday afternoon.
Idiot: BUT WE CAN'T!!! THERE'S ALREADY ANOTHER CLASS ON TUESDAY AFTERNOON!!!


SUPER BONUS #5! Dead on Arrival
*Idiot arrives... today. Class has been going on for two weeks, one half day and one hour already, let's note.*
Teacher: Oh, hi! Had a good vacation I suppose?
Idiot: Yes sir!
Teacher: Have a seat. So now, as I was saying, you'll be using embedded functions in order to make more powerful procedures for your database. We'll couple that with a few predefined functions as well, just like we did last Friday. If you can open your lab sheets and...
Idiot: SIR!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING OF WHAT'S GOING ON!


SUPER BONUS #6! Very, Very Dead on Arrival
Idiot: Hey sir, is SQL related in any way to Oracle?

Let me remind you we are on our third semester of SQL Oracle.


SUPER BONUS #7! Bejeweled
We arrive in class to see a patch panel now covered behind a Plexiglas screen. Nobody has any screwdrivers to open up the door of course, so the resulting maneuver becomes interesting: one idiot, in particular, decides to squeeze his fat fingers between panel and Plexiglas.

Now, there were already several cables plugged into the panel; enough to allow one to choose a spot at most places in the class, plug himself in and away you go.

Nope, not for that guy. He was at spot #1, and by God, he would be plugged in at spot #1.

In his attempt to plug his own cable, he decides to "dig" his way through the panel, unplugging any cables that are in his way.

In doing so, he effectively cuts off the network to a quarter of the other spots. Bad news for me: it so happens he disconnected all the remaining available laptop plugs.

And he doesn't plug them back in after he's done.


Idiot: YEAH!!!

He's all proud of himself because he managed to outsmart the Plexiglas door and plug himself in anyway. Now it's my turn to have a go at it. I pick up all the cables he unplugged on his way and meticulously plug them back in.

Me: Hey, you. When you disconnect other people to dig your way in, it helps when you plug 'em back in when you're done!
Idiot: I didn't disconnect anybody! Who did I disconnect, huh?
Me: Me.
Idiot: Well booh hooh! (then to other idiot sitting next to him:) What the fuck's his problem?


SUPER BONUS #8! Years of Training
Idiot realizes he's not plugged in on the class' patch panel. So he goes to the panel and looks for a cable he can use...
Idiot: Who's number 28?
Student #1: Me.
Idiot: Who's number 14?
Student #2: Me.
Idiot: Uhhhhhhh... number 12?
Student #3: Me.
Me: Dude, you've been here for a year and a half now, why don't you buy your own cable?
Idiot: Heh-heh-heh-heh!
Me: Really, it would be a lot easier for you instead of constantly scavenging the panel.
Idiot: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

I realized, through time, that whenever he doesn't have an answer for you, he turns into Beavis & Butthead.


SUPER BONUS #9! Pop Culture
Teacher: (to two members of the Arab Krew, one of which is dressed in heavy rapper garb:) You two, [Mohamed] and... 50 Cent.
*epic laughter*


SUPER BONUS #10! Uh...



We're looking for a suspect with the front end of a computer case in his possession.


SUPER BONUS #11! Windows Updates
The teacher computer has a permanent hard driver installed, with Windows and everything on it. One idiot in particular doesn't have Windows installed on his own portable hard drive yet, so he uses the teacher computer instead.

Teacher: Why are you still using that computer?
Idiot: *giggle*
Teacher: We are past midterm . You had a week off to be home and get your shit together, install Windows and Office and everything!
Idiot: *giggle*
Teacher: Why haven't you done so?...
Idiot: *giggle*
Teacher: Good God, this is ridiculous. Anyway...
Idiot: *giggle*


SUPER BONUS #12! Elementary, my dear Watson
We have created a database in which there is an Albums table, which contains a few attributes: Title, Artist, Genre, Year, Availability, and Notes.

And featuring the same idiot as before...

Teacher: Our second album, in order: My Old Love, Celine Dion, Other, 2000, Lent to Johnny. As for the notes, write... "kitsch"
Everyone: *laughter*
Teacher: ...You! WHAT THE HELL?! How could you screw this up!!
Idiot: Huh?

He had written the following:

-Availability: kitsch
-Notes: Lent to Johnny

Teacher: Kitsch is an availability now?!
Idiot: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh......... Oh...


SUPER BONUS #13: SUPER KILL YOURSELF
Teacher: Now open Visual Basic 6.
Idiots: ...?
Teacher: Open Visual Basic 6!
Idiots: We... we're supposed to have Visual Basic 6?? We have Visual Basic .NET but no Visual Basic 6...
Teacher: HOLY SHIT!!! I told you to install Visual Basic 6 last time, and the time before, on your own! Did no one listen?!
Idiots: ................. o_o

In fact, the teacher had been pressuring and reminding the whole class repeatedly, every class, for the past 3 weeks, to install Visual Basic 6. We needed Visual Basic 6 to do a particular thing that's a pain in the ass under Visual Basic .NET but remarkably easy under Visual Basic 6.

Only 4 out of 12 people installed it. Myself, Jack and our two friends. Everyone had been completely oblivious to the constantly hammered, shouted, even screamed fact that they had to install Visual Basic 6.

The class was stalled for an hour to install Visual Basic 6. The teacher had to actually fucking help some people because they were failing at installing Visual Basic 6. Yes, they SCREWED up their installation. Don't ask me how they did this, I didn't even want to know myself.


SUPER BONUS #14: Don't feed the savage
Someone knocks at the door during math class.

I open.

In scurries a guy, holding a brand new pencil in his hand.

He picks up the sharpener on the wall and, with a heavily doubtful and uncertain look in his face, proceeds to insert his pencil into the hole.

*turn-turn-turn*

He takes out the pencil. Not sharp yet. He puts it back in.

*turn-turn-turn*

He takes out the pencil. Still not sharp enough.

*turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn*

He takes out the pencil one last time. Now it's sharp. Now the pencil is ready. Satisfied, he makes his way out.

For the past minute, we've all been staring at him, speechless.

Teacher: Hey, wait a minute! Don't you know we're having a class here?!
Idiot: I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy
I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy ...

And so he excused himself like that on his way out 'till we shut the door.


SUPER BONUS #15! Back to basics
Idiot: Hey, uhh, can you help me?
Me: Hm, what?
Idiot: How do I open Flash on this computer?
Me: ...Double fucking click on it!
Idiot: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... that icon?
Me: Yeah! The one with FLASH written under it!!
Idiot: Ah, OK!


SUPER BONUS #16! Approximation
Teacher: I'd like you to draw a circle in the center of your screen, please.

One idiot seemed to be having problems.

Looking at his screen, we found a myriad of rectangles, squares and other polygons scattered everywhere across the screen... but no circle.


SUPER BONUS #17! Aside from snippets...
This didn't happen at school, but since we're on the subject of computers, technologies and all things that require at least one functional braincell, I feel this merited its place:
Idiotess: Thank you for calling Future Shop, how can I help you?
Me: Yes, I'd like to know if you have the PC version of 'Test Drive Unlimited'.
Idiotess: How do you spell that?
Me: Huh?!


SUPER BONUS #18! Captain's Log
2 weeks ago: We have to create a small Visual Basic application that connects to a database. Contains the connection module, five text boxes, five buttons, and a set of first-previous-next-last buttons. Code takes up about two pages, printed.
My time: 30 minutes.
Average classmate time: 3 hours.

1 week ago: We are to create a new window in our application that will display only the entries belonging to a certain number in the date field - such as all CDs released in the year 2000. Contains the database connection module, one combo box, and a viewport that shows the table's contents just like in Microsoft Access. Code takes up one page, printed.
My time: 20 minutes.
Average classmate time: 3 hours.

This week: We are to create the same thing we did 2 weeks ago, except we use a different connection module. Aside from that, everything in the design and the code remains the same. I copy-paste the contents of my window from 2 weeks ago and switcharoo the connection module within 30 seconds. I then copy-paste the code from two weeks ago and do a search-and-replace to change the old module name for the new one in the code.
My time: 1 minute.
Average classmate time: 3 hours.

By the way, Visual Basic classes last 3 hours.


SUPER BONUS #19! Nano Gank
So some idiot from another class comes in...
Idiot: Excuse me, I need the Internet really quickly for 5 minutes. May I?
Teacher: Sure, help yourself.

The idiot sits at a computer. In this particular class, the tables have computers that face each other, so there's some people potentially sitting on each side. Right now, he's sitting in front of where Jack sits.

After the idiot is done, he logs off, unplugs Jack's network cable and then walks out.

Jack: ...what the FUCK just happened?

Later in the class, I got a glimpse of the computer the idiot had just used: for some reason, the computer was stuck at the boot sequence with the words "KEYBOARD FAILURE" written across the screen.


SUPER BONUS #20! Raiders of the lost file
So out of a class of 8, we were only 4. Nothing abnormal here, the usual happens.

Now, in our class is a rather remarkable individual. Regularly, he creates files only to lose them a bit later. Even though most of his stuff is part of Microsoft Office, and thus get saved in My Documents for the most part, the guy forgets the exact location of his databases, spreadsheets and programs, and then proceeds to look in the oddest of places to find them again.

Let's not forget the fact that he constantly complains that the teacher is harassing him, goes too fast and isn't clear enough - all this while he furiously attempts to find his "lost" files and stops listening completely when he does that since his expeditions are pretty intense.

And of course, anything we tell him, he understands completely wrong:

Teacher: Go to the Recordsource property. Recordsource! RECORDSOURCE! NOT DATABASE NAME! RECORD SOURCE GOD DAMMIT!
Idiot: Welllllllllll you're going too fast!!!

The guy basically managed to stall the class by himself, for over an hour. The teacher has been trying to push on as we made a database management application - while I had my windows and boxes fully ready and working, the idiot still COULDN'T FIND HIS FUCKING DATABASE.

In sheer emergency, the teacher replaced tomorrow's final exam with a normal 4-hour class. The final has been pushed back to next Thursday.


I ain't perfect.

SUPER BONUS #21! Fall from 6ft tall
Me: Zzzzzz....
*clunk!*
Me: *opens eyes and finds Pepsi can on desk* Cool!
Teacher: Free Pepsi to students who can't stay awake in my class.
Me: (d'oh!)
Jack: Bwahahaha!


An update on the current situation.  As of Fall semester of 2007, Jack left the college and signed up at another one, because he, quote, was tired of all those fucking sand niggers, unquote.  Warren has graduated, so I have to do without him as well.  A third local guy I was friends with vanished without a trace.  Jack and I do see each other once in a while and have dinner out to catch up on each other's news, but the fact remains: I am on my own from now on.

Because now, here is the thing: I originally signed up for an "Accreditation", which is a light version of a college diploma.  I got all the classes for that done in the semester of Winter 2007.  Weightier on a resume is the full-on college diploma, which has an extra four specialized courses (by specialized, anything that isn't language, philosophy, etc.)  I originally had figured that with the DEC (as they call it) in hand, it would make it that much easier to get a job.

But meanwhile, I found myself a job during summer, a job where they liked me enough to keep me part-time through school and then take me back full-time as soon as possible.  I realized too late that it made the raison d'être of the diploma grabbing operation moot.  I thought having summer off would put me at an offset versus the Arab Krew...  That did not happen.

As I write this extra paragraph, it's September 27, 2007, and the semester is well on its way.  In less than a month, I've already racked up a staggering number of quotes that, once again, are witnesses to the sheer stupidity of the people I am surrounded by.

Open fire.  It's time for Final Bonus.



FINAL BONUS! Time Paradox!
In June...
School: Hello?
Me: Yes, I'm calling about fall semester. I want to know when the schedules will be available.
School: Fall semester starts first week of September. We won't have the schedules ready until the last week of August. Call us at that time.
Me: Right-O.


Wednesday, August 29:

School: Hello?
Me: Yes, can I talk to Mr.[Joe] please?
School: Just a minute.
*click!*
Me: ....Hello?

*dials*
School: Hello?
Me: Mr.[Joe] please.
School: Just a minute.
*click!*
Me: ...

*dials*
School: Hello?
Me: It's me again. There's a problem with your transfer system. Keeps flushing me. So I'll leave the message for Mr.[Joe] in your hands so you can deliver it to him.
School: All right. Go ahead.
Me: It's [Shuri], number (555) 555-1234, office 123. I'm calling, as we had planned, about fall semester schedule.
School: All right, I'll deliver the message.

Several hours later. It's 4:00 PM. Fed up with waiting, I call up the school again and attempt to reach someone else.

School: Hello?
Me: Hi, can I speak to Mrs.[Smith] please?
School: Oh, she leaves at 3:30. Want me to transfer you to her voicemail?
Me: Please do.
*beep*
Me: Mrs.[Smith], it's [Shuri]. Been trying to reach Mr.[Joe] with no luck so far so perhaps you could help me; it's about the fall semester schedule. Please call me back at (555) 555-1234, office 123. Thank you.


August 30, 10:00 PM.

Me: Figure I'll give this thing another shot..
*dials*
School: Hello?
Me: Mrs.[Smith] please.
School: She hasn't arrived yet.
Me: Then Mr.[Joe] please.
School: Just a minute.
*click!*
Me: What the fuck?!

I form another plan.

*dials*
Mom: Hello?
Me: Hey mom, it's me. I've been trying to reach the school since yesterday. Their transfer system is shit and nobody's returning any calls. Things are getting a little hectic at work so can you do me a favor and try to reach them yourself? I don't know what kinda magic touch you got, but you always seem to get a person on the line, unlike me.
Mom: Will do. Speak to you again in a few moments.

Five minutes later...
*ring!*
Me: Hello?
School: [Shuri]? It's Mrs.[Smith].
Me: Oh thank God! Been trying to reach you guys forever.
School: Yes, your mother actually phoned me and told me to phone you.
Me: Perfect! Fall semester. We need to get this show on the road.
School: Fall semester? It started Monday of this week.
Me: ...You're kidding me, right?
School: No.
Me: Mr.[Joe] told me first week of September and to call him... well, this week!
School: Can't help you with that... But I know you; I'm sure you'll be able to catch up in no time. Can you drop by at my office tomorrow?
Me: I'm at work.
School: Monday?
Me: Labor day. You guys are closed.
School: Whoops! Tuesday then?
Me: Yes. When?
School: Anytime. I'll have your folder on my desk by then and we'll be able to get this cleared up in a jiffy. See you then.

So...
1) Transfer system drops any calls going to Mr.[Joe].
2) Impossible to get anyone to return calls. You have to pretty much run into them.
3) Given wrong information about semester and never received any mail about that semester. It's as if I don't exist in their minds unless I call them.

Hopefully the classes won't be as shitty...


Final bonus wasn't final. It's going to last the whole semester.


FINAL BONUS #2! In First Gear
Following my stint of lateness, I bump into my Linux teacher, who briefs me on the little course matter I have missed. The first two labs had been dedicated to installing SUSE Linux and configuring two graphical managers (Gnome & KDE) to our tastes. Each lab took 3 hours.

I get home, start the installation, eat dinner, then finish it all up afterwards. Within about an hour, I'm done with both labs.

I then arrive at my Linux class to meet the new composition:

-Me
-One Arab who makes sense
-Three locals
-Three fucking Arab Krew idiots

By the time we were done with labs 3 and 4 today, the three idiots were still struggling to get the damn OS installed.


FINAL BONUS #3! Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
I am typing commands away when I hear a strange shuffling at my side.

I look over to catch one of the Arab Krew rummaging through my computer bag.

Idiot: ...Oh! Sorry. I thought this was my bag.

For reference, his bag is only half as wide and half as thick as mine. And it doesn't have "Dell" plastered all over it like a portable nagscreen advertisement.


FINAL BONUS #4! Change of Heart
I went into the principal's office to ask him a few questions a few days ago...
Principal: Hey there! Long time to see!
Me: Yep. So, hope summer hasn't been too rock-and-roll for you?
...And as I close the door of his office, he goes through a dramatic shift in response.
Principal: Oh no, not at all, no no no nnnnnnyes yes oh fuck yes God dammit...


FINAL BONUS #5! God Has Ceased to Exist
I used to be agnostic. I am now atheist.

God has ceased to exist on September 7, 2007.

I wish this one was funny, but this is actually the most serious of my snippets to date. Because of it, there now exists a man I will never forgive, for I will arguably live the rest of my semester on anti-depressant drugs.

Friday is project class. Seven hours of grueling work in a nearly windowless room, from ten in the morning 'till five in the evening. I don't know when I get to wolf a sandwich down. Today, the teacher gave a single break at one 'o clock for 15 minutes.

And then the worst began...

Teacher: You will be working in teams on a project I will assign. I will dictate who gets which projects, and how the teams are composed. This class is both an exercise in managing workload and dealing with people who might potentially get on your nerves. Thus, be prepared: I will assemble the most explosive teams I can muster, and you will have to cope with that.

We are twelve in the class: seven Arab Krew members, four locals, and me. I suppose we'll be evenly split up in four-man teams and I'll be spared of most of the fire. I know this teacher, I've had him before for two semesters in Visual Basic.

First team is composed of three Arabs who are neither friends nor foes. Looking good.

Teacher: Next team. [Shuri], oh poor [Shuri]...

At this point, my dreams shatter. In my eyes, it's like he's flipping me the finger after giving me hope for so long. I'm stuck with the three of the whiniest, most unproductive members of the Arab Krew. Do with them what you want. Encourage them or threaten them, they will never do any work. If they do work, they do it in the most incompetent way, showcasing a blatant lack of logic and critical thinking.

What's the last team? The four remaining locals. Hardly explosive. They hang out with each other all day and I can safely assume they are childhood friends. How I wish I could've been with them instead.

By the end of the class, I want to paint the walls with murderous rage. I feel betrayed on the inside. I wish this wasn't true...

The final mark is common to the team. The overall effort of the team on the project sets the final mark for those who are part of the team. If the team gets seventy, you get seventy. I know I am done for.

Because I could put all the effort in the world into this project and it will never bear fruit.

I am going to fail that class.


FINAL BONUS #6! Hot Topic
Me: We were supposed to come up with a name for the fictitious company we're gonna incarnate for the project class. Have you thought of anything?
Idiot: Oh, you do whatever you want!
Me: No, I don't think you understood me well enough. Have you come up with an idea? A name? Something to submit so we can talk about it?
Idiot: Do whatever you want, I'm okay with it, no problem!
Me: ...Fuck that shit. See you Friday.


FINAL BONUS #7! Flash Memory
Last week, I had a class of Flash, where only myself and another idiot attended.

It turns out that due to an administrative error, we were supposed to have been six in the class, but the four others had math class at the same time, so they never got "assigned" to Flash class. Long story short, everything got sorted out, and now the full class is attending; good for them.

The only downside is that the teacher has to redo the class he had given to me and the other guy, the other day. We agree nothing can be done about that, so I retreat to a corner of the room, plug myself on the Internet and pay half-assed attention to what the teacher says.

Now, last week, we had done an animation using a rectangle. This week, he chose a circle. Aside from that, it was all the same animation and the same theory and the same concepts we had to apply. I personally had no trouble repeating what we had done last week.

The other idiot, however, was another ball game.

For some reason, it was as if he had completely forgotten about last week and was restarting his learning process from scratch. So despite having perfectly mastered the art of animation last week (albeit after several attempts), he managed to fuck up several times and call for help for more than his fair share today.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this event...


FINAL BONUS #8! Doublethink
Me: I can't access the website. Why haven't you bought the hosting and name like we told you to?
Idiot: I don't have a credit card! I didn't know what to do!
Me: You had a credit card last week. Waved it in front of our faces too.
Idiot: No I didn't!!


FINAL BONUS #9! Utter Lies
Our Flash teacher landed his hands on an overhead projector to better show us the course matter. He turns it on, and thinks aloud about how he would have liked a larger display...

Idiot: Let me fix that for you! I know how to use this thing.

The teacher lets the idiot go ahead while he goes to another student to say something.

Meanwhile, the idiot attempts to "fix the display"...

...By pressing every button and trying every menu option, one after the other.

By the time the teacher turned back around, the display was inverted, blurred, and less than a foot wide.


FINAL BONUS #10! Master Charge
Me: So you don't have a working credit card. OK. You, new guy. Do you have one?
Idiot: Welllll uuhhhhhh I got 'un, but there ain't no money in it.
Me: Wait, what?
Idiot: Yeah, uhhhhh, my credit card, outta cash.
Me: Is this a credit card or a debit card?
Idiot: Wellllllll uuuhhhhh, it's a... Visa.


FINAL BONUS #11! Milestone Jihad
Riti Sped has nothing on me. I've found something stupid enough that I believe I have full holy authorization to level this guy's country so that it doesn't breed any more dumbasses like him.

Two weeks ago, we got handed an assignment in project class: it was to be a short report detailing the solutions we were proposing to the given problem, and which one we suggested. It was to hover at five pages, give or take, and the whole thing was due on September 27. We had project class the following day, Friday September 28.

Idiot: LEAVE IT TO ME!!! I'M GONNA DO EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING'S FINE WITH ME!!

And without leaving us much time to argue, he speeds off.

Now, he commented during the week about how he was working with the report and having done such or such section and everything like that - which was all fine and good.

But one day, something dawned on him: he was working alone on a report, for a team composed of four people who, in the meantime, had nothing to do.

So what's his reaction?

In protest, he stops dead in his tracks.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE.

We don't even get the news about it until... Friday! By the time he announces his anger to us, we realize he didn't hand in the document, and we are already late, which means marks docked for the entire team. Thus, marks docked for me as well.

I plug myself on his computer and retrieve the document.

My jaw dropped. Out of all things, he has stopped ON THE LAST FUCKING PARAGRAPH .

I brandish my laptop in his face.

Me: Finish it up.
Idiot: Well, uh, I'll do it tomorrow at home.
Me: No. Finish it up. Right now.
Idiot: I told you I was gonna do it at home!
Me: I don't give a fuck, we don't have time for this. You sit down, you finish up the report, and we ship it to the teacher. Fifteen minutes should be plenty of time for you.
Idiot: BUT I TOLD YOU--
Me: Screw it.

I retrieve my laptop and quickly start fixing things up, adjusting indents and margins and making sure the tone is right and the spelling is checked. I'll leave completing the last paragraph for last. It's barely two or three sentences to write, but I'm not in the mood to start composing at the moment. Meanwhile, the idiot complains to my teammates about my rather blunt way of dealing with his stupid ass.

Idiot: ...And he's all fuckin' tellin' me finish it up now and callin' all the fuckin' shots like he's the fuckin' boss or somethin' and I keep tellin' 'im I'll finish it up at home but NO, we gotta do it RIGHT THE FUCK NOW and then he rips the fuckin' laptop from my hands and...

The teammates give me interrogative stares but I remain silent. The teacher starts talking in the background about how there is dissent in some teams and that we gotta fix our own problems ourselves. By his glances at me, I can easily tell he has no pity for me and has no intention of helping my predicament in any way. Worse, I am an idiot by association in his eyes, thrown in the same boat as the Arab Krew. I know I am sitting on the button of death and the bomb will detonate if I ever do a wrong move. It's either dragging the entire team up and making four complete assholes pass, or failing by principle and to make a point. I find both outcomes to be unjustful and incredibly stupid. Painted into a corner by idiocracy.

Right in cue as I finish correcting the document, the idiot requests my laptop so he can finish the last paragraph. He doesn't look too adept at writing a paper because those three extra sentences took him thirty full minutes to write, during which time his face was scrunched up in deep thought.

I double-check the last paragraph, save a backup copy, and E-Mail it to the teacher and the entire team.

Next paper is due Tuesday October 4. A two page report that any average student could complete within a half-hour. We, as a team, set the deadline of the first draft for Saturday evening, at which time it'll be E-Mailed to everyone. If we all find it good (or if nobody replies, signifying consent - note I expressly stated that clause) then we consider it final. If we find errors, then we meet up on Monday afternoon to discuss it. Monday afternoon is work for me. I am obviously not interested in cutting out even more time from a very, very part-time job (currently clocking barely 12 hours a week!) so it's in my interest that the paper be submitted on time.

It is Sunday, September 30, midnight... right... now.

My inbox is empty.

The team has failed again.


FINAL BONUS #12! Pathological
I am busy working on a Flash file while some guy is peering at what I'm doing since he hasn't installed Flash yet. Just then, he lets out a sigh, and breathes heavily on my right forearm.

I don't know how it happened, but my forearm got sticky .


FINAL BONUS #13! Gross Misconceptions
As I am browsing the EVE Online forums...
Idiot: What's this?
Me: This? A game.
Idiot: What kind?
Me: Space, science fiction and all that.
I go to the screenshots menu and show him what it looks like.
Idiot: Whoaaaaaa... And they did this all in Flash?!
Me: No... not really, no.
Idiot: Oh... But the ships, they must've been done in AutoCAD.
Me: Wait, what?
Idiot: Well, yeah. People use AutoCAD 2007 to makes games, don't they?


FINAL BONUS #14! It's no surprise
As of Monday, October 1 at 2:30 PM, the report that was team-deadlined for Saturday evening was never seen. In fact, the guy who was supposed to write it up never gave any sign of life. Since I had the lighest course load, I took it upon myself to spare 30 minutes to type up this puny little paper.

Also, the hosting was finally bought today. Although it took me a great amount of tact, diplomacy and fifteen minutes to convince the guy I wasn't cheating him out of 32$.


FINAL BONUS #15! Blatantly
Teacher: As of this week, I will be taking attendance. So now, who was here yesterday...
Idiot: Oh, all of us were here yesterday!
Teacher: No. You were not here yesterday. Neither were all your friends.


FINAL BONUS #16! Religious Holidays
Teacher: Now, the rules state that if you miss over 12 hours of class during the semester, you will be given an automatic failure.
Idiot: ...I missed a month. What do I do?
Teacher: ...
Idiot: Come oooooooonnnnnnnn! It's Ramadan. Give us a break, come ooooonnnnnn...


FINAL BONUS #17! Province of Denial
Teacher: Do we have any students from abroad?
Me: Hehe! Do you even need to ask?
Idiot: Waddya mean?
Me: Well, look around you; there's one Quebecker and three Moroccans.
(Author's note: The class contains about eight or nine students. Exclusing myself, four show up on Monday and the four others on Tuesday, thereby making the class go at half its normal speed.)
Idiot: No no no, we aren't from abroad. And besides, you're not a Quebecker either.
Me: Wait, say that again?
Idiot: Well, yeah! Quebeckers don't exist. I mean, you're either an English Canadian or an Amerindian, right?


FINAL BONUS #18! Fatal Exception
I finally met the guy who was supposed to do the paper for the project - remember snippet #14?
Me: Hey, forget about the paper. You're too damn slow, so we ended up doing your whole job for you.
I think I broke him, because at thas point, the guy froze motionless. Even as I left the classroom, he was still staring off into nothingness.


FINAL BONUS #19! A Rigid Schedule
Shortly before eleven o' clock, the fire alarm rings.
We all got out, the firefighters got in, and reported nothing unusual.
Then on the way back into class...
Idiot: So who pulled the alarm?
Teacher: I dunno. Some joker.
Idiot: BUT I HAD A CLASS GOING ON!!


FINAL BONUS #20! Speak Easy
We have been given a short individual assignment in project class, and we show it to the teacher, one by one, for correction. One idiotess gets her work marked, then sits back down and starts chatting with the guy behind her.
Teacher: Don't tell him anything!
Idiotess: Don't worry, I was busy telling him nothing!
Teacher: ...You were busy telling him nothing ...
Idiotess: That's right! I was busy telling him nothing.


FINAL BONUS #21! Anthropomorphism
In this said assignment, which may make you recall UML class, we were supposed to describe the events and conditions involved in a particular scenario of an actor initiating an action within a system. In that case, the scenario was "a client withdraws money from the ATM". In particular, we had to find who were the primary actors, and the secondary actors if there were any. Primary actors are the ones who initiate the transaction (in this case, the client) and the secondary actors are persons or objects that serve to actively facilitate the transaction (in this case, the ATM - which essentially performs the same job as a clerk.)

...Well, actually, one of the guys in class disagreed with the fact that the secondary actor was the ATM. He claimed the secondary actor was the money .

Despite all the teacher's arguments he firmly believed in his own answer at the end of class.


FINAL BONUS #22! King Solomon's Problem
We are to work on a Flash project, either alone or in teams of two. However, there are three people sitting in front of a single computer and talking to each other.
Teacher: Teams of three are forbidden!
Idiot: We know, we know. Don't worry sir, we'll make two teams of two in a few minutes.


FINAL BONUS #23! Affront against God
Idiotess: *chatter-chatter-chatter...*
Teacher: Next week, you will be doing presentations. 5 points if you're well shaven and combed. 5 points if you're in business attire. 5 points if you're wearing good shoes. 60 points for content. 15 points for argumentation, and 10 points for presentation style. If you ask a good question to the presenter, you get an extra point per. If you ask a stupid question, I dock one point per. If you talk while someone's up front and doing his presentation, I dock one point everytime I catch you... Yes, I'm especially talking to you ma'am.
Idiotess: (scandalised) ME?!
Teacher: Yes, you.
Idiotess: Hey hold on, what's the focus of this thing? Me, or the course material?!
Teacher: You...
Idiotess: ...

She couldn't argue that.


FINAL BONUS #24! Shifts
On Monday, we have Flash class. Me and four Arabs show up.

On Tuesday, we have Flash class too. Me and four Arabs show up.

But it's not the same Arabs.


FINAL BONUS #25! Encore!
Speaking of Flash class, people always came in a half-hour late. So to give them a chance, the teacher decided to eliminate the two 10-minute breaks and have the class start at 8:30 AM and finish at 11:00 AM rather than from 8:00 AM to 10:50 AM.

The Arabs now come in at 9:00 AM. Still a half-hour late.


FINAL BONUS #26! The Revolt
I had been holding out on posting this one for a while, mainly because I wasn't sure when that particular saga would end, or if it would end at all. Once again, it involves the syndicalist dumbfuck who was previously featured in Final Bonus #11; only this time, it was even harder for him to screw up.

For starters, we are all given a piece of work as usual on Friday, to be handed in on Thursday of next week. After some short calculations, we find out each of us has to write something barely a page long, with lists and line breaks that, should the document be put all together without formatting, would take less than a third of a page. Easy! Five minutes and we're all done. Best of all, each page is fully independent of each other.

I call for a deadling on Sunday at noon, knowing full well I need to constrain the idiot so that he doesn't pull a fast one on us like he did before - and if he does fail to do his part on time, this'll leave me with more than enough leeway to wipe after his mess.

Idiot: Uhh, can we have the deadline later?... 'Cause I don't do nothing on Saturday.
Me: You don't do anything on Saturdays?
Idiot: Yeah... Saturday, like, spiritual day and stuff for me.
Me: Spiritual day...
Idiot: Yeah, spiritual day...
Me: Fine, whatever. Saturday at 11:59 PM, good enough for you?
Idiot: Good!

After I get home the same day, I send an E-Mail to the group:

"Recap of today's stuff: each person's piece of work must be in my inbox by Saturday 11:59 PM. If you ain't done, it doesn't matter. Send it anyway and we'll work something out - just as long as I get a sign you're alive.

Also, [Harry] showed up only once in class and we never heard from him again. He had a single task to do, and he never did it. If he does not show up next week (we're dangerously approaching midterm after all), I'll consider him as fired from the team and he'll be on his own."


I sit at my computer as the clock is just about to turn Monday, constantly hitting my Check Mail button and always getting nothing from the idiot.

At 0:30 Monday, I send a mail, specifically addressed to him but mass-sent to the rest of the team as well:

"It's past the deadline and I haven't heard from you. What the hell is going on?"

In the middle of the night, I get a reply from him:

"Hey guys.

First of all, I wish to remind [Shuri] that we are at this school to learn, not to do work and hand it back half-assed to the teacher. As such, I consider the current deadline unacceptable and therefore move it to Tuesday at 11:59 PM.

As for [Harry], I wish to cultivate an atmosphere of acceptance and friendliness. As such, no exclusion from the team will be performed, not now, not ever. I'm sure he'll show up next week to help us all."


For the record, said [Harry] didn't show up. Again.

But on to the more important matters: the idiot found a way to fuck up, AGAIN. He found a way to miss the deadline, he found a way to somehow NOT do a job that takes ten minutes at worst, while having over FORTY-EIGHT HOURS to accomplish it.

Counting from the time I arrived home on Friday (5:00 PM) and to the time he E-Mailed it to me (Wednesday at 2:00 AM) - yes, he even managed to miss his own fucking pushed-back deadline , that left him 112 hours (or rather, 4 days and 7 hours) to do a simple, easy, and extremely short piece of project work that everyone else had miraculously done on Friday night or Saturday morning and handed over to me. But not him. He had to find a way to fuck it all up despite all the barriers I had erected specifically to prevent him from doing so.

Oh, and when I got home on Wednesday after work and opened the document, I pretty much had to rewrite it entirely since his formatting was completely out of whack - group work must look like it's been done by one person, you know, standardized. But considering the myriad of spaces and Enters and other odd decisions that betrayed his completele lack of knowledge in the use of a word processor, somewhat overcompensated by his overly verbose style of writing. Not that padding one's work a little is entirely bad, but I ran into more than a few cases where a whole paragraph could be reduced to a shorter, simpler sentence that was much easier to understand. To put it in context, he managed to create two overloaded pages out of what should have originally been a single, lightweight page.

I genuinely fear the next tasks he'll have to do up ahead...


FINAL BONUS #27! No rush...
In Flash class, the teacher was eager to teach us ActionScript 3 - the program's newest programming language, which bore several differences to ActionScript 2. Unfortunately, the school doesn't carry a legal copy of Flash.

Teacher: If I give you a zip of Flash CS3 and have you look for a keygen to make it work, will you guys be okay with this?

Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever, everyone agrees, piece of cake.

I install Flash, get home and free myself from the 30-day evaluation period quickly and easily.

Days and weeks pass. I have just arrived in class, today, to be met with this (thirty minutes late of course):

Teacher: So, today, we'll--
Idiotess: Sir, my Flash doesn't work! It says it expired!
Teacher: Didn't you get the keygen like I told you to a month ago?...
Idiotess: What keygen?
Idiot #1: Uh, sir, I formatted my computer! I don't have Flash anymore!
Idiot #2: I tried the keygen and it didn't work!
Teacher: Well, what did it tell you?
Idiot #2: Uhhhhhh... It just didn't work!!

It's 9:15 AM. Class was supposed to start at 8:30 AM. I lost 45 minutes for nothing. I just sat there and waited for the fucking idiots. Again. And now we're about to start a class while I am the only person among four who has a working copy.


FINAL BONUS #28! Recidivism
Presentations are being done in class while I spot, directly behind me, some guy idly doodling on his desk with a pen. Note here that he wasn't doodling on a sheet of paper - he was doodling, directly, onto the desk.
Me: Stop that.
Idiot: Huh?
Me: Stop that. Lift the pen.
Idiot: Why?
Me: Because it ain't interesting for someone to sit at a desk that's been scribbled on all over.
Idiot: So what?
Me: Look around you. Every desk around you is perfectly clean, spotless. Except yours, on which you just drew two giant UFOs.
Idiot: It's a habit.
Me: Then de-habit it...
Idiot: No.

I figured it would be pointless to try to argue any further.


FINAL BONUS #29! In a pit
I arrive in class on time. First person to show up is a full 45 minutes late.
Idiot: (scandalized) ..........THERE'S NOBODY!!!


FINAL BONUS #30! Dictation
The Flash teacher has been teaching this way: he creates and writes the code for a Flash file, which is all displayed on the projector, and then asks us to do the same. Me and the guy behind me quickly realize that all we really have to do is recopy what the guy writes on the projector, so we merrily follow along and code when he codes and everyone's happy. Hell, sometimes I doze off and don't even really follow, and I catch up anyway.

Meanwhile, the rest of the class is busy fiddling on the cellphone or the Internet - this led to an interesting scene in which an idiotess frantically searched for a viable cable jack for ten minutes. Call it a mini-snippet.

But anyway, on to the more important matter. The teacher had arguably expected us to write along with him, you know, the whole class coding the Flash app together and everything. So when he stands up and comes to me and asks "Is it working?" I say yes, and I show him the exported Flash application to show him I've understood.

The rest of the class...

Blank page.

Class is currently going only half as quickly as the teacher originally wished. Every day, he has to put back half of the stuff he was planning on the day's program.


FINAL BONUS #31! A roadmap to the asshole
One member in the project team is unbelievably clueless. I got many proofs of that a few days ago.

We are all given our only individual assignment in this otherwise team-oriented project. We are given a transaction (where a person performs a task on the computerized system) and we are to describe it according to the rules of a canvas. What's needed to initiate the transaction, what's needed to end it, what goes on during it, who's involved, etc. It's nothing too hard, although you do need to pay attention to what you are doing, since there are some nooks and crannies and one must be sure to have considered all the possibilities. But it's easy to get the jist of it, right?

Now for the fun part: we have to do a presentation, with Powerpoint and everything. I don't bother too much, I make a little presentation, a slight fading background, not too hard on the eyes, black text and something short and sweet. Something between "all right" and "winging it". Either way, the teacher didn't have too much to say against my presentation, so I got to sleep easy that night.

The idiot, meanwhile, screwed up in every possible manner and even in some which were deemed impossible.

First of all, his Powerpoint consists of green and red text on a green background. I couldn't see shit. Nothing at all.

Next, he somehow managed to turn his transaction into a giant, world-class, Olympic-sized monster far beyond the norms of reason. His transaction was "a landlord adds an apartment into the system" (the project is a computerized apartment offers database). He got the title all right. But the meat and potatoes described how a student rents an aparment by searching into the system and calling the appropriate landlord to settle the deal.

How "adding an apartment into the system" coincides with a student renting it, whatever... It's as if he had bowled so far off his mark that his ball had jumped over the gutter and landed in the lane located in the bowling center across the other end of town.

The teacher didn't know where to begin.

Idiot: Questions?
Teacher: ...OK, somebody massacre him before I do. If nobody asks a question, the whole class loses one point.

The teacher was quite in a good mood that day. I expected him to threaten us with five points off the final mark.

And it doesn't end here!

Back home, I write up an E-Mail to the team members and inform them of what's coming up next. The guys are in waiting mode - there's a few things I need to fix up before we can proceed. I take care of that and send the finished document for review, tonight, actually.

A reply comes. It's the idiot. Out of all people, he was the one I was least expecting to review and comment on the document I had written.

But the E-Mail read this:

Idiot: Here is my corrected project.

Attached to the E-Mail was... His PowerPoint file.


FINAL BONUS #32! KILL YOURSELF AND TAKE EVERYONE WITH YOU.
A new milestone has been reached.

First, let me remind you all that we are reduced to three working on a five-man project. Naturally, the teacher has zero compassion, and even makes cracks at us and publically wondering out loud how we're ever gonna make it.

So now I'm left to deal with one good guy and one idiot. And naturally, the idiot feels compelled to compensate for the two idiots I've been freed from before. The end result is a problematic that plagues the Arabic world as a whole: when they have a problem, they do not seek to solve it. They rather seek to make it everyone 's problem.

That remaining idiot brings me some rather grim news today: he was the webmaster of the website (or rather, the one who paid for it) and I have been the only one paying him my share of the costs. The three other guys: tomorrow, maybe later, hang on I'm broke, et cetera, et cetera ...

But now, here's where the loophole comes in: I am responsible for all that shit.

Wait, what?

Yes! Somehow, I have signed an unwritten consent that the responsibility of the website would be given entirely into my hands because since the guy did not know how to register a fucking website, I taught him how to. Hence, my responsibility since I called the shots. No use arguing, as the guy opens the valve to a Niagara fall of words to interrupt me, much in the same way a child plugs his ears and yells "LALALALALALALALALA!"

Idiot: The website is yours, it's your responsibility!
Me: And who's paying for it?
Idiot: Oh nonononononono, I'm not paying for it anymore, my credit card is locked, I'm refusing to pay. That thing's your responsibility, so get get payment from the rest of the team. Only when I get the cash will I purchase another month of hosting.
Me: So let me get this straight: people owe you money, but you won't be the one running after them?
Idiot: NO! I TOLD YOU IT'S YOUR JOB! YOU REGISTERED THE WEBSITE!
Me: I taught you how to--
Idiot: Who called the shots? You. Who told me to click the buttons? You. I didn't know anything of where I was going, you were. So the WEBSITE. IS. YOUR. RESPONSIBILITY.
Me: You'll have to learn the different bet--
Idiot: No, I don't want to hear any of it. You go get the cash, you pay me, and THEN I'll maybe keep that website up. Huh? Who registered the website? IT WAS YOU! You told me where to go and what to do, I trusted you and you're all fucking me up, so the hell with it. That's your problem now. I'm not paying another cent until all the debts are cleared.

With that, he stormed off.

There goes another complete fuck-up in the team. No website until everyone pays - doesn't matter if this problem causes the failure of the entire project, because, let me recall, all the documents are handed to the teacher through the downloads section of the website. No other manner is accepted.

Back home, I sent an E-Mail to the team and distributed the workloads. All I'm waiting for is the idiot to fail to do his part so that I can oust him from the group and be rid of my last handicap. And if he decides to remain an asshole and refuse to hand the website account over to us, I'll move it elsewhere myself if that's what it takes.

Someday, I'll be taking sweet delight in seeing all those fuckheads get crushed like puny little ants.


FINAL BONUS #33! Lost in the mail
One or two snippets back, I talked about how the guy who was being billed for the website had refused to keep the account up any more until all the money owed to him so far was paid.

Fair enough, except in his burst of anger, he talks like the Niagara falls and listens like a rock.

He delivered another speech today about how he had gotten one bill, and another bill, and another bill, all oh his credit card, and he was surprised that his credit card was being charged, and he was afraid he'd go in the red, and he had no idea how often he was gonna be charged and how much and...

Long story short, it was as if he had completely forgotten he was paying for a website hosting account. In fact, he had never expected to pay for web space in the first place, which only goes to prove the utter cluelessness of the guy, even after I had told him, numerous times, exactly when, how and how much he'd get charged, and to notice us each time he got a bill so that we could all pay our shared (to which he said "OK", now that I discover it, automatically, without actually understanding what the hell he was getting himself into.)

First of all, the only money he had gotten was from me, two guys had bailed out on the team and had never paid, and would most likely never pay. We agreed to start the calculation over from scratch, do as if we had always been a team of three, and pay the difference accordingly. That was, after I slowly and carefully jotted down, on a piece of paper, the amounts the guy was being charged, why, and when he would be charged again. He seemed to understand, and figuring the next (and last) payment is a measly seven dollars, I decided to trust in his understanding rather than making sure. If shit hits the fan again, one way or another, we're paying only one last time, so it all comes back to the same thing.

Still, reflecting upon all that, it staggers me that the idiot never could be assed to learn how to register and manage a website, and figure out the payment methods for such an endeavor. At the end of the day, he had said "yes" and nodded his head without ever taking responsibility for what should, actually, have been his responsibility. Instead, I had to teach him how to register a website, I had to troubleshoot the dot-com bug we had myself (since after three weeks, he still could not figure out how to do something that took me five minutes), and I had to calm him down in his state of panic when he realized, to his utter surprise, that his credit card was being billed. DURRRRRRR.


FINAL BONUS #34! Relentlessly
The door is locked.

Idiot: *click-click-click*

I choose not to answer.

Idiot: *click-click-click*

...

Idiot: *click-click-click-click-click-click-click*

...

Idiot: *click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click*

...

Idiot: *click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click*


FINAL BONUS #35! Descartes, changing theta rapidly in his grave (get it?)
Teacher: If "new X" is bigger than "old X", in which direction is our object moving?
Idiot #1: Uh...
Idiot #2: Uh...
Idiot #3: Uh...
Idiot #4: Uh...


FINAL BONUS #36! You snooze, you lose
Idiot: What's with this new schedule you are talking about?
Teacher: We moved the Tuesday class. We're now in class on Monday from 9:00 AM to noon, and from 1:00 PM to 4:00 PM.
Idiot: What? That's not fair!! I got work on those times!
Teacher: You should have said so before.
Idiot: *laughs* I couldn't! I wasn't here last week!
Teacher: Exactly.


FINAL BONUS #37! Return to sender
Teacher: Objects in a system have multiple states, and things that we do in the system can change the state of these objects. For example, let's consider the object "Movie" in a movie club. The states of the movie can be what? Available, rented, reserved or lost. So if it's rented, how do we make it available again?
Idiot #1: Uh...
Idiot #2: Uh...
Me: Return.
Teacher: Exactly!
Idiot #3: Return where? To the beginning?
Teacher: Are you serious?
Idiot #3: ...
Teacher: No! Return the movie !


FINAL BONUS #38! Milestone Jihad II: Korean Grinding
We're down to three people on our team. One of them makes sense, the other hasn't done anything since the beginning of the semester.

The school is falling into a state of disrepair. The cafeteria serves nothing but shit. Half of the network jacks are broken. The connections are 10.0 MPBS school-wide. There is only one working toilet remaining in the entire building, and I generally opt to make a knot in my dick rather than penetrate this stall that's dirtier than a sixty-six year old slut.

The staff was starting to put its pants back on. I was merrily ranting and raving to one of my ex-teachers about the Arab Krew when the secretary popped in unannounced, overheard the conversation, and went to my face and said: "Go see the principal. Now. Come on. Go go go. There is no way we're letting those guys graduate."

Feasible, but I had some business to take care of beforehand. Something a little closer to me on the chain of command.

The following day, I checked my E-Mail to find out nobody had sent me their work. Again. When I got to school, everything played out like an espionage movie. I entered the building, soon to be flanked by my project teacher, and without even looking at him, I said: "[Mike] is fired. He will no longer be in the team."

The teacher's response: "OK. He actually came to me yesterday and asked me some unbelievably stupid questions. It's about time he gets thrown out."

I enter class and sit down. My good teammate tells me that he misread the due date and admits he screwed up. I've worked with him before, he knows what he's doing, I have no problem with the occasional miss.

The bad teammate, meanwhile, was putting the finishing touches on his piece of work. Proudly, he announces that his PowerPoint is almost ready.

Great! There's only one problem: it was a report to be typed up in Word. I had already told him three times that the PowerPoint part of the course was done and over with. I had also told him three times that the due date for the report was before Thursday (and we are Friday), and that I wanted the individual work well before that so that I could piece the document together. The idiot had completely lost his bearings. The only thing he had going for him was the single braincell that kept him from uncontrollably taking a shit on the floor.

In front of my rather lukewarm reaction to his useless work, he started panicking. The guy was getting more nervous by the minute.

The teacher did his spiel. I called up my good teammate, briefed him on the work to do, we split our tasks, confirmed the deadline, and wished each other a good weekend. We were in business.

During the lecture, I also took care to change the billing address to my own, thereby revoking the bad teammate's legal ownership of the webspace we had and taking it for myself. I also took care to change the password, in case of any retaliation.

Following that, I went to the teacher and very carefully whispered:

Me: Do you want to have the pleasure of announcing him the great news, or may I do it?
Teacher: ...Hmmm, leave him to me. Yes, leave him to me.

I went back to my seat.

Idiot: So what do I do? Do I give you the PowerPoint? What's next? What am I supposed to do? My PowerPoint's ready, it's all ready to hand in! I can give it to you right now! There's also this paper I wrote and everything.
Me: Stow your paper and your document. They're worthless.
Idiot: ...I don't get it!
Me: You missed the deadline. I was supposed to have the documents in my inbox on Wednesday evening so I could send them to [Gordon] and he could upload them on Thursday morning, in time for review. It's Friday, and I have gotten nothing from you.
Idiot: Well [Gordon] didn't send anything either!!
Me: Perhaps, but we've worked together before. I know he can do his work and do it on time. I'm sure he has a good reason for not giving me a lifesign. I can forgive the occasional mistake.
Idiot: And me?

Time for the coup de grâce...

Me: You have a slightly different assignment to do this week. Go see the teacher to pick it up.

And he did. He sat down, and the teacher calmly told him that he had gotten kicked out of his team. That he would need to completely start over, on his own. That he would have to deliver every report done so far as soon as humanly possible (that means: "yesterday"), and that he would have to get cracking if he could ever hope of even passing the class, in light of his spectacularly shocking proof of incompetence.

Meanwhile, I zipped up my coat, gathered my belongings, yelled "HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!", and left the class.

As I walked the length of the corridor, I laughed.

I laughed.

And I laughed!

Was I finally free of my last handicap? Would the project finally move on without a hitch?

Had Shurikane triumphed over the idiocracy?

Had I known it would have been so easy, I'd have struck a whole lot earlier. As I savored my Friday beer and peanuts, I reflected upon my progress in the work so far and figured that for the most part, the first two leaves had been a sign. Something that told me the folks would drop easily with no effort, and like flies with some effort. The last one, I knew he was on the edge all along... but I had, in my despair, quite simply forgotten that I could have nudged him into oblivion, and it would have done the job right there and then.

But, that's behind me now. All that's left to do is the downhill cruise, and success.

I could already see the Christmas tree at the end of the tunnel.


FINAL BONUS #39! Math, part I
Teacher: What is two to the power of three?
Idiot: Nine!


FINAL BONUS #40! Math, part II
Teacher: We're working in RGB mode, so we need 8 bits for red, 8 bits for green and 8 bits for blue. How many are we gonna need, total?
Idiotess: 512!


FINAL BONUS #41! Math, part III
Everyone is mixed up and I'm taking all sorts of crazy positions as I hold my laughter.
Teacher: If you find something funny, please share it with us.
Me: I shouldn't, lest I get punched in the face.
Idiotess: You! Yes, you! You were laughing when I told the answer to the teacher. That is disrespect and I don't appreciate that! Stop laughing! Now!
I challenge anyone to stop laughing on command after being told a really good joke. If you manage to pull this off, I'll pay you a full-course meal at a sushi bar.


FINAL BONUS #42! Math, part IV
Teacher: So, I've put the parameters on the board. How many bits are we going to need to represent our set of colors this time?
Idiot: 8!
Teacher: No.
Idiot: 16!
Teacher: Think before you speak! Don't just blurt out rand--
Idiot: 32! 64! 256! 1024!


FINAL BONUS #43! Chassé-Croisé
This morning, one guy failed to show up.
Idiot: Here, give me his copy of the notes, I'll give 'em to him this afternoon.
This afternoon, the guy who was missing his notes, showed up. The guy who had his copy of the notes... didn't.


FINAL BONUS #44! Can you feel the love?
One of the guys must not really like be because...
Teacher: [Shuri], if you'll come to the board please...
Idiot: *says something in Arabic*
Teacher: You. If you say something like that again, I will put your academic career to an end. Got it?


FINAL BONUS #45! Priorities in a good place
The team member we kicked out happened to be the guy who was managing the financial side of things: the web site was on his credit card.
Idiot: [Shuri]! I don't want to pay for this website anymore.
Me: It's already taken care of. I changed the billing address and credit card number to my own.
Idiot: But just to make sure, I'm not paying anything!
Me: You are not.
Idiot: Because if I find more website charges on my account, I will be really angry!
Me: It won't happen. And if I was you, I'd be worrying about something other than the seven dollars needed to pay for the last month for the website.
Freeze frame. Here is the thing: the guy is now on his own. He has to start all over again, and has to finish everything we've been doing for two months and three weeks, in about two weeks, tops. Despite the urgency of his situation, his only concern is... seven dollars .


FINAL BONUS #46! Taking a break
This one didn't involve the Arab Knew. It didn't even happen at school. It happened at a Korean place in the food court.

I come in right at the time when the cashier turns on the cash machine.

Attempt #1: Guy turns the key, inputs his password, and the machine gives him Error Code E008.
Attempt #2: See attempt #1.
Attempt #3: See attempt #2.
Attempt #4: See attempt #3.
Attempt #5: See attempt #4.
Attempt #6: See attempt #5.
Attempt #7: See attempt #6.
Attempt #8: See attempt #7.
Attempt #9: See attempt #8.
Attempt #10: See attempt #9.
Attempt #11: See attempt #10.

... ad infinitum .


FINAL BONUS #47! The Bill
Idiot: Hey, uh, about the web site, you guys owe me money. I'm no longer in the team so I want all that money I paid reimbursed! Right now!

Before we proceed, let us tally up the amount of money this website has cost us:

Setup Fee: 25$
Dotcom Registration Fee: 9$
Web Hosting (October): 7$
Web Hosting (November): 7$

Total Amount: 48$

Amount Per Teammate: 16$

Considering the guy has done zero work, has been bitching and whining all along, has no clue of what he's doing or where he is, has spent his time making up excuses instead of doing his work, was constantly witnessed playing foosball in the lounge, and was such a drag to the team that he ended up being kicked out, I felt it was appropriate to reply in the following manner:

Me: You come here to piss me off at the end of the semester for fifteen bucks? Are you fucking nuts?!


FINAL BONUS #48! Assessment
Monday, in Flash class, I was the only one to show up in the morning. Aside from one guy who had missed the intrasemestrial test and was taking it now in the library.

This morning's schedule: review the test. All in all, it took but 20 minutes.

When I came back from lunch, the class had finally arrived. All except the guy who had done his test this morning. He had pleaded the teacher for the test, had claimed that he was serious about his studies and that he was changing his ways and yaddah-yaddah. The irony tasted delicious.

The teacher quickly briefed the class about what he did this morning and gave 'em a quick run-through of the test, 5 minutes tops - no, wait! Did I say 5 minutes? Sorry!

At question 1, he asked if everyone had understood, and no one said yes. So he did it at length, explaining everything.

At question 2, he asked if everyone had understood, and no one said yes. So he did it at length, explaining everything.

At question 3, he asked if everyone had understood, and no one said yes. So he did it at length, explaining everything.

By this time, I had taken out a book and begun reading.

An hour and a half later, the teacher is craving a cigarette (with good reason). He comes up to me and says I can begin my work on my next personal assignment; even though he didn't give any instructions yet, there would be nothing I couldn't expect, so I could start on some stuff right away, like my storyboard. Then, he left for his smoke.

Meanwhile, I gathered my belongings and prepared to leave for the day.

Me: Hey guys. If the teacher's lookin' for me, tell him I went to do my storyboard. Have a nice day.


FINAL BONUS #49! Speechless

Teacher: OK, you guys all got Visual Studio 6.0? Good. Go to Start, Programs, Visual Studio 6.0, and select Microsoft InterDev... InterDev. InterDev...

...

Teacher: *sigh* ...You opened Visual Basic.


FINAL BONUS #50! Checkpoint
Before Christmas vacation, I handed in a program created in MS Access, which managed a small database. Nothing too fancy. It was the conclusion of the first section of project class - the one where we started with 5 people and finished with 2.

It turned out I was the only person in the entire class to hand in my work at or before the due date.

Everyone else handed the work in... mid-January.

My teammate included.

My own teammate has, finally, let me down. At the very last stretch, just when I thought there might be salvation somewhere in this class... Nope.

He confirmed me everyone was just plain worthless.


FINAL BONUS #51! Practice Run
The kicker? Because no one had handed in their final work on the due date, the teacher decided not to make it count and spread the mark across the previous pieces of work we had handed in.

Thus, all the efforts I put into conceptualizing, coding and testing the program, were completely fruitless.


FINAL BONUS #52! Justice to the world...
Sometimes, the dumbfucks succeed. It's only fair that I make mention of the guy we kicked out, for something I didn't quite expect.

Me: [Harry] is on your attendance list? Didn't he fail after we kicked him out?
Teacher: Nope. Somehow, me put his mind to it and actually pulled through.
Me: No kidding...
Teacher: Seriously, kicking him out of your team was the best gift you guys could've given him. Pushed him to sit down and work.
Me: So in the end, I was a dog driving a sheep. Had to scare him to get him to move...


FINAL BONUS #53! Same old, same old
Routine has resumed.

Now, we're down to myself and four Arabs in the class. Four. Leaves little opportunity to mistakes, right?

On Thursday, the teacher introduced us to what we'd be doing in the second section of project class, as we jumped straight into programming. First, a small database management program, the looks of which I instantly recognized and reproduced on my own computer. Navigation buttons, add, remove, modify, save and cancel.

My time: 5 minutes
Class time: Unable to finish

Oh, actually, the five last buttons I had mentioned, we hadn't done them. The teacher had given those to do for homework. So essentially, we lost about 1 hour drawing exactly this: four labels, four text boxes, and four functional buttons.

On Monday, the teacher ran through the homework we were supposed to have done - I assume I was the only one to have done it since the teacher explained everything at length.

Next, we made a new form. It actually was the exact same layout, except we were working with another entity. Say, the first form managed the teams in the NHL, the new form managed the players. Same story, just a few different fields to fill out.

My time: 1 minute (thanks to the magic of copy-paste)
Class time: Unable to finish

I find it suicidally depressing that four people can't do something twice. They've been taught how to produce the whole damn window, something they had been taught before, one year ago, and which they made and remade for an entire year with this particular teacher, and they still can't do it on their own.

During the wasted 3 hours, I had the time to begin, read, and finish a book cover to cover.


FINAL BONUS #54! To-do list
Today, in 3 hours, we inserted a label and a combo box into our program.

And... that's it! See you next week.

Oh, and the class forgot how to assign a variable.


FINAL BONUS #55! Nomenclature
Teacher: Now, the grid needs a source for the data it's going to display, so we'll be using the data control we had made a few minutes ago, the one called datPlayers.
Idiot: Sir! It doesn't work!
Teacher: Of course, that's because YOU NEVER GIVE ANY NAME TO YOUR FUCKING CONTROLS!


FINAL BONUS #56! Deaf And Mute
Teacher: Start a new project... new project... new project. New project. New project! NEW PROJECT! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING A NEW FORM?!
Idiot: I.... uhhh.... ahh... uhhhhhhhh...


FINAL BONUS #57! LOL WUT?
Teacher: I want the name of the second field of the second table.
Me: MyDB.TableDefs(1).Fields(1).Name
Teacher: Correct. You, [Peter], I want the size of the second field of the first table.
Idiot: Uh... DatabaseName equals...
Teacher: What the hell are you talking about?


FINAL BONUS #58! The easy way out
We designed a form in Visual Basic and worked with that for a couple of days.

Then, later on, we moved on to a new project, and the teacher drew on the board a form that looked strikingly similar to the one we had used previously. I hit copy-paste, correct the one or two buttons that needed changing, and am done in 30 seconds.

A few days later, we move on to a third project, and once again, the teacher draws a very similar form. I hit copy-paste and get done in 30 seconds.

We have just started the fourth project. The rest of the class is still busy going through the painstaking task of reproducing the form, button by button, one at a time...


FINAL BONUS #59! Back up! Back up!
My class forgot how to assign a variable.

Again.


FINAL BONUS #60! Too much, like too little.
The following happened as a conversation on MSN.

Idiot: DUDE YOU GOTTA HELP ME!!
Me: What's going on now?
Idiot: My project isn't working!

Freeze frame. It is eleven o' clock in the evening. The project is due tomorrow at nine o' clock in the morning.

Me: What's not working?
Idiot: I'm trying to move back and forth in my recordset, but it says it's closed.

Freeze frame again. Think of a recordset as a book. The recordset is, basically, the results you get when you ask a database to show you something. So in plain English, the program's trying to read off a book that's closed, so it can't flip the pages.

Me: Show me your load code.

Here's what I see: the program opens the book... and immediately closes it.

Me: Those close statements. Take these off.

Result: He takes away both the closing and opening of the book. Now the book never opens at all and he gets an error he understands even less.

Me: Why did you take off the open statements?
Idiot: Well, you told me to take off the close statements...

I gave up.


FINAL BONUS #61! Regression, regression again
My teacher has been forced to re-teach the concepts of structures and arrays in programming, because the class claimed it had never learned that sort of thing (my fucking ass. We were taught that four times in four different classes during our academic career.)

Oh, and the guy mentioned in the previous snippet hasn't turned in his project on his due date. So rather than having an abysmal note, he has a zero. As I looked upon the code he was trying to fix, I saw that he basically had no clue about what each statement in the code was supposed to do.

Sad state of affairs.


FINAL BONUS #62! Impossible.
Today, we are to make a - wait for it - database program, again! Of course, we are working with a new sort of syntax, so new terms to learn, new keywords to code in, and so on and so forth.

So here are myself, and two idiots.

The first idiot didn't have any databases on his computer. Even though he's been with us since the beginning of the semester and we've created over six databases since January.

The second idiot has shown time and again that he blindingly follows the teacher's instructions and knows nothing of the code he writes. As I examine his program, I find it stuffed with logical inconsistencies (despite the entire written code fitting on so little as half a page), and as I ask him questions in an attempt to steer him to the proper path, he replies with answers that have no apparent sense to them, going so far as to make circular-referencing claims of programming (practical example: imagine him describing a situation where to know the name of a football team, you have to know the name of a football team.)

We did not manage to proceed any further today. I spent most of my time trolling forums, and only 2 minutes out of my 3-hour class were spent coding.


FINAL BONUS #63! That way!
Today, an idiot confused between what's a row and what's a column.

But he was certain his perception was right.

So he argued with the teacher for 10 whole minutes.


FINAL BONUS #64! Final assignment
Teacher: In your final assignment, you will be coding the program for a database that manages an apartment rental system. It will contain students of the school, apartment owners, and the administrator among its users. The owners put up available apartments, while students perform a search to find a suitable one.
Me: Ooooh, this smells like delicious recycled code!
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Me: It's the exact same project we had last semester with you.

The teacher looked at me.
Then he looked at what he had written on the board.
Then he looked at me.
Then at the board.

Teacher: ...Fuck it. Due date's in two weeks. Attendance is optional and only for if you have any questions for me.

I couldn't have asked for a better final assignment.


FINAL BONUS #65! A little bit of Jack...
School: Hi, we are calling to ask why you have chosen to resign your registration from our school.
Jack: Take a wild fucking guess.
School: ...Oh. Right. Yes. Thank you!
*click*


Epilogue: The end of Computer School Snippets
At last, my schooling is drawing to a close. It is the last semester. My bonus project, which is due in a week, will be sent by E-Mail. I don't need to go to school anymore. As of now, I am seeking myself an internship, which will most likely transform into a job once it's over.

Of course, it's only fair that I bring up the highlights of my adventures:
-In first semester, from about 35 people, we got narrowed down to about 15.
-One year later, we were 12.
-And from Project I to Project II, we went from 12 to 4.
-Out of those 4, I was the only person to attend consistently and to have a valid excuse if I was to be absent.

My friend Warren had graduated midway through my own progress. He is at a stable job now.

My friend Jack got fed up and moved to another college, where he is just finishing up his own program as well. It is probably the first and last time I will see a school make someone racist. He now refuses to deal with Arabic people, or eat Arabic food, no matter the actual details and nationality. After all, we've only dealt with Moroccans. He hasn't seen the Algerians, Lebanese, Pakestanese and others who, arguably, would have varied and normalized the experience a little. But regardless. 30 people was all it took to completely turn him off.

Myself, I passed all my classes with near-zero effort and flying colors. The classes had been dumbed down so much that I ended up a loser after all. The numerous projects that should be sitting on my resume right now simply didn't happen. I'm ashamed to place the project we did in Project I, simply because it was so small and easy that it took less than a day to build and code. My teacher assigned me a special bonus project specifically because I had been having open doubts about this. Thus, he proposed I do a project, which he told me was geared more to polishing the resume than as an academic tool. Good thing.

If you were to copy the entire anthology, covert it to size 12 and Times New Roman font, you'd be able to print over 85 pages of reading material.

For one part, a gigantic joke has just ended. The comedy's over. Those guys will most likely struggle through their jobs as they bullshit their way.

But, far outweighting this comic factor, the agony has also ended. I am now free. I will go to work and get paid. I will work on real things with people who know their stuff. Those who don't, they get fired. At last, the job market will provide me with a much more sane environment to work in.

It's been a fun run. But I sure as hell wouldn't do it twice.


THE END

 

 

 

 

lol or internet?