Work Snippets is back
under a new and improved formula! And unlike Tide, this is actually
meaningful. Prepare to read stories that are so sad that they will kill any and all will
to live inside your soul for the next fifteen eternities.
Now
that's
a
lot
of eternities!
*slaps own cheek with a shocked expression*
Let's start 'er up. Presenting the suspects:
#1: Where is it? Where is
it?
Idiotess:
Excuse me... Where's the motherboard?
Me:
Here. *I point to the biggest board on the table.*
Five minutes later...
Idiotess:
Excuse me... Where's the motherboard?
Me:
Here. *I pick up the biggest board on the table and wave it in front of her
eyes so she can see it really well.*
Five minutes later...
Idiotess:
Excuse me... Where's the motherboard?
That was the exact same idiotess on all three accounts.
#2: Where reading
and looking are two very different verbs.
I meet an idiotess in my Windows XP class who seemingly cannot make any
effort to learn. Whenever she finds herself at a spot she didn't expect, she
doesn't ask for help. Instead, she freezes in place and sits motionless, except
for looking around her every minute or two until she spots me and wildly
gestures at me to come over.
Idiotess:
What do I do?
Me:
Well, where are you... OK, you are at step number seven on your sheet. What
does it say?
Idiotess:
It says...
| Quote:
|
7: You need to create a new partition on the hard drive in order to put Microsoft Windows XP on it. The menu you are at right now allows you to do that. Press 'C' to create a new partition. |
|
|
Today, we
were supposed to create a new 10 GB partition and install another Windows XP in
order to allow for multi-booting.
#3: Follow instructions carefully. Way too
carefully.
Idiot:
Uhh... Heyyyyy. [Kane]! (The newbs almost always call me by the second part of
my name in class) Hey [Kane], I've got a problem! How do I install the second
Windows?
Me:
Do the exact same thing you did yesterday.
Idiot:
Oh. Okayyyyy.
*One hour later...*
Idiot:
Hey [Kane]! My new Windows doesn't show up! There's no menu!
Me:
Let me look. Hey... Where's the other partition?
Idiot:
Uhhhhh...
Me:
You've overwritten on your first Windows! You've wasted an hour.
Idiot:
Oh... Damn...
Me:
You need to
create
a
ten gigabyte
partition, a
new one
, and put the second Windows
there
. Got it?
Idiot:
Okay...
*One hour later...
Idiot:
Hey [Kane]... My boot menu still doesn't show up...
(Guess why...? I later discovered he pressed any key whenever asked to in
order to start the Windows installation. He reinstalled the same Windows four
times. His CD never left its tray during the whole class. He refused to take out
the CD, claiming Windows still hadn't finished installing yet.)
#4: Follow instructions
not so carefully.
Teacher:
OK, this didn't work out well last time, but today I won't be making any
exceptions. If you have a question, come and write down your computer number on
the board, this way I can help you in order. No hand raising. All right?
Students:
All right!
(After less than thirty seconds, a dozen people have raised their hands,
calling out to the teacher for help.)
#5: Follow instructions
not at all.
Idiot #1:
Yo dude, what are we supposed to do?
Me:
Waddya mean?
Idiot #1:
Well, there's Windows on the computer and stuff, what now?
Me:
Open the instructions document the teacher gave you.
Idiot #2:
What... this thing?? *he picks up the yet-unopened document*
Me:
That's right.
Idiot #2:
*opens the document and notices the instructions, numbered and formatted*
Oooohhhhhhh...
#6: Cakewalking is your
friend 'till I leave the classroom...
Idiot:
Yo, can I borrow your anti-virus CD?
Me:
Here you go.
Idiot:
OK... *he inserts the CD and opens the installer.* What do I do now? Where do I
click?
Me:
Next.
Idiot:
OK... And now?
Me:
*I lean over to see his screen in order to ease up my job* Next. Next. Next.
Next. Next. Wait.
Idiot:
I wait?
Me:
Yeah, you wait.
Idiot:
OK...
*A few minutes later...*
Idiot:
Hey, it says it wants to update the thing. What do I do?
#7: We're on Earth... or
somewhere close!
Idiotess:
Hey, what do I do with that regional settings thing?
Me:
It asks you what country you're in. See the selection? It says France.
Idiotess:
So... what do I do?
Me:
We aren't in France. We are in Canada.
Idiotess:
...
Me:
Click here. Good. Now select Canada. Now click Next. You should be good 'till
Windows finishes installing.
#8: Word from the wise, or
to the wise?
(A girl couldn't get her second installation of Windows to start up. As I
examine the BIOS, I find out the computer had been set to boot from the hard
drive before the CD-ROM - this change had been done by another group between our
two classes.)
Me:
...Ah! There it is. See, the computer needs to be told in what order it needs
to look at things to figure out what to start from. We want it to check the
floppy drive first, then the CD-ROM, and lastly, the hard drive. This way.
*I set the options correctly. An idiot, who had been peering over my
shoulder, interjects.*
Idiot:
Hey, this ain't good! You can't put the floppy first! You can't! I didn't need
to on mine!
Me:
That's how an average computer is set up. This'll come in handy later on.
Idiot:
It's not right! It ain't gonna work!
Me:
Shut it. I know what I'm doing.
Idiot:
Hahahahahahahaha!
(Unsurprisingly, this was the dude who had reinstalled Windows four times and
still wasn't able to run his computer properly by the end of the class. We had
had a total of seven hours this week to get up and running, and his own computer
could not even boot from the CD-ROM drive now.)
#9: Wherein listening
becomes a miracle of God.
Teacher:
I brought my laptop to show you. See these? I'm pointing at them right now.
These are the USB plugs. We'll be using these a lot. You! Where are the USB
plugs?
Student:
Here.
Teacher:
Good! See them well over here? You, where are the USB plugs?
Student:
Here.
Teacher:
You! Where are the USB plugs?
Student:
Here.
Teacher:
Good, good! Do you see well at the rear? Look at my finger, I'm pointing at
them right now, those two rectangular holes. You, where are the USB plugs?
Student:
Here.
Teacher:
Excellent! You, where are the USB plugs?
Idiotess:
I don't know...
#10: Wrong on just
one level... but a big one.
Teacher:
OK guys, I came in and noticed there were about fifty Ethernet cables plugged
into the hub. We're twenty. THAT IS NOT GOOD. So that goes, that goes, that
goes...
*unplugs all the Ethernet cables*
All right, now, I want your computer numbers. I'll take care of the plugging.
If there's any problem, call me up, and I'll take care of it.
Student:
1 A!
Teacher:
Done.
Student:
2 A!
Teacher:
Done.
Student:
3 B!
Teacher:
Done.
(After a while, he finishes plugging all the correct cables in the right
place.)
Teacher:
Now, I don't want to see anyone touching that hub. We're twenty, there's twenty
cables plugged. That's the way it should be. If there's a problem, if you can't
access the network, just talk to me and I'll fix it.
(5 minutes later, there's a mass of people fiddling around the hub.)
Teacher:
Hey! Step away from there! If there's a network problem, call me up,
do not
play around with the cables on the hub!
(5 minutes later, there's another group of people trying their luck on the
hub.)
Teacher:
Hey! Back to your seats now! I said, if there's a problem with you connecting
to the network,
raise your hand
and I'll take care of it. Do not touch the hub, that isn't any of your
business.
(5 minutes later, yet another group of people masses around the hub and
begins to try different plugs.)
Teacher:
Get back to your seats! I'm in charge of that thing! Go! Now!
(Halfway into the class, we're back to having over fifty Ethernet cables
plugged into the hub in all sorts of configurations, some going from the hub and
back into the hub. Ironically, everyone who went to the hub to try to fix the
prob themselves still couldn't connect to the network by the end of class.)
#11: Three weeks
later...
Our hardware teacher has been explaining to us the job of a motherboard for
three weeks now, going over each component many, many times over along with
providing us with a large photocopied compendium full of useful information.
Today, after three grueling hours of straight theory, he had just finished
explaining, re-explaining, re-re-explaining and re-re-re-explaining what a
Chipset does on a motherboard.
Teacher:
Does everyone understand? Does everybody understand this? This is very
important for the next lab, I need everyone to understand this otherwise you'll
be stuck. *
turns to the Idiotess of The Hill
* Did you understand?
Idiotess:
(
With an air of defiance
) No.
I left the class.
#12: Patch Panel Woes
We come into software class and I realize through my browser that the
school's proxy server isn't letting anybody on the Internet today. I start up a
solitaire while overhearing a conspiracy theory around me.
Idiot #1:
What's the hell's up with the network? I can't go on MSN!
Idiot #2:
I bet it's the damned patch panel again. It always fucks up!
Idiot #1:
Let's check this out. I bet it's this cable.
Idiot #2:
Nah, still not working.
Idiot #3:
What the hell you guys doing? You're fucking up the network! No wonder why it's
not working!
Idiot #1:
But I'm certain it's this cable here! I saw the teacher plugging it in the
other day!
Me:
...Guys, it's the proxy. The proxy's closed down today.
Idiot #2:
We know! It's because of that patch panel that doesn't wanna work!
#13: Wherein no one is a
prophet in his own country.
Everybody's chattering among each other.
Teacher:
OK guys, class is about to start up. I'll let the computers run on your side
since I know some of you need to finish their partitions - do it as long as it's
stuff that can be done in the background. If I hear too much talking, I'll be
forced to cut the juice and you won't have anything to do but listen to me. Did
I make myself clear?
Everybody resumes talking.
#14: KILL YOURSELF.
Idiot:
Ma'am... Ma'am! What do I put?
This question might have been valid had the context not been explained properly.
I know the context.
Believe me, I lost all references of right and wrong in my mind when I heard
that phrase.
Today, in class, we write a few programs. Teacher tells us to write a prog that
asks the user for two numbers. The program adds the numbers and then displays
the sum.
The dude in front of me writes the program, compiles it, runs it. There pops the
familiar DOS window and the words "Enter your first number:"
He turned to the teacher and said "Ma'am... Ma'am! What do I put?"
While my jaw was making its way to China, the teacher answered as if it was a
normal ol' question.
I mean, come on.
About 90% of the class
is composed of Arabic people. And this particular bunch is notorious for talking
during class. When the teacher's speaking in front.
I had done my lab and homework in the morning during theory. I had finished
right before lunch, so the teacher asked me if she could instead look at my work
after lunch. I said all right.
When we get back, she informs me she'll give the students the last 5 minutes of
theory and then check my work.
#15: KILL YOURSELF TWO
Teacher:
OK, now we're gonna talk about the Switch instruction, which...
*everyone's speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher:
Excuse me! French only in class please. Speak whatever language you want during
breaks or after school, but as long as you're in class, it's against the rules
to speak any other language than French.
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher:
Looks like I haven't made myself clear. We want to understand each other. And
if everybody speaks in a different language, we won't know what you're saying.
*silence*
Teacher:
Now, the Switch command
*arabic*
is really useful since
*arabic*
it can do more than the IF ELSE we were used to before.
*arabic-arabic-arabic*
For example... Hey!
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher:
Haven't you listened? FRENCH IN CLASS.
Idiotess:
But there are some expressions that can't be translated!
Teacher:
And that's exactly why you won't say them in the first place.
Me:
Someone speaks Arabic to someone else. Who says he didn't just say "Hey,
that dude in the red shirt is a dumbass"?
*laughter*
Teacher:
Continuing with the Switch statement...
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
Teacher:
...
Idiot #1:
(this one wasn't Arabic) It's for learning! I'm trying to immerse myself in the
Arabic language!
Teacher:
You'll do it outside class!
Me:
(I speak to a Peruvian) Hey [Bob], do you speak Spanish?
Bob:
*laughs*
Me:
'Cause if you do, I have a devilish plan in my mind!
*laughter*
*Another idiot stands up to go fool around with the network's patch panel*
Teacher:
...
Idiot #2:
...?
Teacher:
Sit.
Idiot #2:
But my Inter--
Teacher:
Sit!!
*Idiot #2 gets back to his seat, grumbling*
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
At this point, the teacher leans herself on top of a computer monitor, crosses
her arms over it and lowers her head on her arms. She stays in this position for
a few moments before giving me a "come here" motion.
I open up my computer to show her my work.
Me:
The OR check's here, the two others there. For this one, I used this way but...
Teacher:
Here, do it that way next time, it'll be shorter.
Me:
That's what I thought. Well, that's everything?
Teacher:
Yep. Have a good weekend. (Then, whispering:)
We ain't out of the woods yet...
Me:
I know. Good luck!
*everyone keeps speaking Arabic among each other*
I check my watch as I exit the class. 40 minutes have elapsed and the teacher
hasn't had the opportunity to finish a 5 minute speech.
#16: Dyslexia
Simulator
Me:
You need to insert your floppy disk. OK, turn off your computer. No, not the
screen! The computer! No! This. The box. Big button. No, not the small one, the
big one. OK, take out your hard drive. Good. Now insert the floppy. No, other
way. Wait, wait, hang on, stop. Stop. We'll take it from the beginning. Round
part face down. OK. Now insert it with the metal part at the front - no, other
front! Other front! There, OK, there! Now start it up. Big button.
Need I mention we're already at mid-term?
#17: A Broken
Continuum
Teacher:
How many months have 31 days?
Idiot:
...I don't know.
The Arab Krew has
been trying to get all their exams pushed back since the beginning of the
semester. This lead to:
#18: George W. School
Idiot:
Hey man, we trying to get the math exam pushed back a week. Waddya think?
Me:
The math exam?
Idiot:
Yeah! We don't understand anything! The teacher is crap!
Me:
He wouldn't be crap if you guys actually listened in class.
Idiot:
Hey maybe not them, but
I
listen. I don't talk! And I still have trouble.
Me:
Well, I don't believe you.
Idiot:
Anyway, you with us? Come on, we gotta get that exam pushed back or we're done
for!
Me:
Dude, it's an intra. Intrasemestrial. A big one. You can't push these back at
your own whim.
Idiot:
But the teacher didn't even tell us! He came in just today and said the exam
was Friday! This is crap!
Me:
Actually, he told you guys about it two weeks ago. You had the entire Spring
Break to study.
Idiot:
That's bullshit! He didn't say it! Ever! And now he's not pushing back the exam
because
one
person doesn't want the exam pushed back!
Me:
...
Idiot:
Seriously, this is crap!
Me:
So you're trying to say me disagreeing with pushing back the exam is the cause
of your troubles?
Idiot:
That's right! It's
your
fault!
Me:
Haha! I don't think you're aware of what you're saying. Not a single teacher
can push back an intra. Not now, not ever. Whether I agree with pushing back or
not. It doesn't make a difference.
Idiot:
Hey, I talked to the teacher, and he says it's because you didn't want the exam
pushed back that he can't push it back! He says he can't push back an exam
because one person doesn't want to!
Me:
I think the correct version was "he can't push back an exam at the whim of
just one student."
Idiot:
Uh... yeah, I suppose so!
(He doesn't realize I was trying to tell him the teacher was telling the exact
opposite of what he had understood)
Me:
Besides, look at Jack here. Just take programming as an example. Jack hasn't
programmed in his life, ever. And still, he masters the subject. Because he's
WOKEN UP and he LISTENS in class compared to the others.
He does his work.
Idiot:
But programming is another subject! I understand it too!
Me:
Well, see, programming class is tomorrow. Get your work done, you'll have all
afternoon to review your maths, which is more than enough time to get yourself
current.
Idiot:
No, it's not okay! We gotta get it pushed back!
Me:
...
Idiot:
COME ON! You with us or against us?
Me:
You know what? I don't even give a shit what you guys do.
Idiot:
And you Jack? You with us?
Jack:
Do whatever the hell you guys want.
The next one is a
little story! 
#19: The Phat Pipe
Jack:
Hey [Shuri], hear this. Remember, THE idiotess? Well, she pulled another one
last Monday in Windows XP class. You know I always gotta watch my cable on the
panel because people keep stealing each other's network cables, right? Well, she
didn't have a connection, so she went and took
the
BIG RED CABLE, unplugged it from where it was and plugged it into her spot! She
stole the Internet access all to herself!
Me:
Holy shit, why doesn't she quit already?!
#20: Exam Time!
Teacher:
Please don't talk during the exam.
*chatter-chatter*
Teacher:
Please don't talk during the exam!
*chatter-chatter*
Teacher:
I said don't talk during the exam!
*chatter-chatter*
Teacher:
What the hell don't you guys understand?! BE QUIET!
*chatter-chatter*
*principal comes in*
Principal:
Next person to talk gets his exam taken away and given a fail.
*principal leaves*
*chatter-chatter*
Somehow, nobody got his copy taken away.
#21: Exam Time Two!
Teacher:
Reminder: variable names must not contain spaces.
Idiot #1:
Ma'am!
Teacher:
Yes?..... Hey, variable names must not contain spaces.
Idiot #2:
Ma'am! Can you check here? It's not working.
Teacher:
Variable names! No spaces! There are two spaces here! No spaces, I said!
*...*
Idiot #3:
Ma'am, excuse me.
Teacher:
What?...... VARIABLE NAMES MUST NOT CONTAIN SPACES! EVER!
#22: Memory Dumped
Idiot:
Ma'am, I have a problem with this program, it doesn't work.
Teacher:
Okay, run it.
Idiot:
...
Teacher:
Run it!
Idiot:
...
Teacher:
Are you telling me you don't know how to
run
your program?!
Idiot:
Uh...
#23: Pre-emptive
Blowout
Teacher:
Okay, for our next module, we'll be looking at functions. Stuff like linear
functions, quadratic functions - or parabolas, exponential functions and
logarithmic functions. All these will be used for calculating money evolution.
Stuff like interest rates and funds for example-- yes?
Idiot:
Sir! I don't understand a single thing.
Teacher:
...I haven't even
begun
to teach the matter yet.
#24: Laying The Smack
Down
Teacher:
I've corrected your mini-project. First, I want to tell that plagiarizing is
dealt with by giving an instant zero on the work. I thought that was well-known
of you guys. Eight of the copies I received were identical to each other, down
to even the spelling mistakes. They were named "Lab #3" even though
this was a HOMEWORK. They all had the word "vaiable" somewhere in a comment. There were a lot of other copied things too aside
from those eight, but these guys at least had the idea of fixing the spelling
mistakes. You're free to rant about this to the principal - he's well aware of
the problem among you. Prepare to waste your breath.
Jack:
Oooohhh,
burn...
Note: the
numbers 15 and 75 sound alike in the French language.
#25:
Count to 25!
Teacher:
So, I want to create two partitions on a 500 megabyte hard disk. One has to be
seventy-five percent of the disk. What is seventy-five percent of five hundred?
Idiot:
Five hundred!
Teacher:
No, I said seventy-five percent of five hundred.
Idiot:
Well, yeah, five hundred!
Teacher:
...No, wait, I'll repeat. I want
seventy-five
percent of
five hundred.
Idiot:
Oh, sorry! I heard fifteen percent.
#26: Count Backwards
Teacher:
So, on this other drive, I want three quarters of it to use Windows on. That
drive's four gigabytes capacity. What's three quarters of four gigs?
Idiot:
Uh... One? Uh!... Wait, Four! Four!!
Jack:
OH MY GOD, IT'S THREE!!! THREE QUARTERS! THREE OVER FOUR!!! THREE GIGABYTES!!!
Teacher:
...It's
three.
Idiot:
Oh...
#27: By Elimination
Me:
Where's my boot disk? Anybody have it?
Student:
I passed it to the other guys over there.
Me:
Hey guys, got my boot disk?
Idiot:
Uh, no, I don't think so. We're just working in DOS.
Me:
Anybody? Anybody in the room got my boot disk? A beige disk with a yellow label
on it? No?
Idiot:
Well, ours is green, so that can't be it...
Me:
My boot disk must be around somewhere! Is everybody sure they don't have it?...
You guys, show me your computer. There's a "green" disk inside? I
wanna look at it.
Idiot:
Sure, this computer's ours, but as I said, we're working on--
Me:
FUCKING HELL, IT'S
BEIGE!!!
#28: Common mistakes
made in the MS Word midterm test
#29: Not a Tile Left
Unturned
Teacher:
Question: let's say the BIOS doesn't detect the hard drive. What do you do?
Idiot:
I check the BIOS.
Teacher:
Yeah but the BIOS doesn't detect it.
Idiot:
Well then... I go into the BIOS.
Teacher:
But the BIOS isn't detecting the hard drive!
Idiot:
Well, I'd check the BIOS first...
Jack:
OH MY GOD! YOU CAN'T! THE BIOS DOESN'T GET THE DAMNED DRIVE! IT'S USELESS! BUT
YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE THAN THE BIOS!! YOU'RE FUCKED YOU
SHITHEAD!!!
And finally, yet another one of those...
#30: KILL
YOURSELF THREE
We hit rock bottom so often that it's dug all the way to China and blown up
fifteen Terra Cotta Army statues. This time, the rock had nowhere to go but go
even bottomer from my position and is thus preparing for a launch into space,
seeking a bottom that's even more bottom than the center of the Earth. It's
going for the sun to blow it up and kill all life as we know it.
That rock is
out for business.
Today, Jack and I arrive into hardware class for the second part of a 4-class
project. In the first part, we build a computer. In the second part, we
partition and format the drives. In the third part, we install Windows, and in
the last part, we set up a network.
We come in. Our computer is gone.
Everyone searches around, until Jack finds a suspicious-looking box...
Jack:
I SAW IT COMING! I SO FUCKING SAW IT COMING! THOSE IDIOTS STOLE OUR BOX AND
TOOK IT FOR THEIRS!! LOOK! LOOK AT THE MARK I HAD LEFT!!!
Indeed, Jack had left a noticeable mark on the case last class using his
screwdriver. The offending team had ripped off our name sticker, stuck it under
the table, and applied their own sticker on the box.
DUMBEST MOVE EVER.
We now have their names, black ink on white sticker paper.
The culprits are not in our group since the lab class is split in two. In the
meantime, the teacher takes away their sticker and applies it on a random
computer that's missing half its parts.
Jack:
I don't get it. I seriously don't get it. How can you be STUPID enough to
replace a sticker with yours?!
Me:
I dunno, but I sure ain't gonna help anyone anymore at this school. We give
free help at their whim and to any question they ask and the fuckers repay us
this way. HEY TEACHER! If you don't give 'em a speech next class, I will!
The teacher was too busy laughing to answer.
#31: Respecting
Traditions
At the beginning of the session, the teacher suggested we try to use the same
computer everytime since we use portable hard drives and the hardware between
each computer is slightly different.
Today, I get in and find out something is busted on my usual computer. There's
another free one nearby so I take that one instead.
The dude who used to sit there arrives 30 minutes late and starts bitching.
Idiot #1:
Hey, man, you sittin' at my place.
Me:
You're late.
Idiot #1:
Hey c'mon, that's not fair!
Me:
You're 30 minutes late. You technically shouldn't even be allowed in when class
begins.
Idiot #1:
Hey man, I'm gonna file a complaint to the principal 'cause you took my place!
That's not fair, c'mon, that's my place--
Me:
Hey! Let's get something straight. I came in, my usual computer wasn't working,
so I went and used another one. You came into class 30 minutes late when being
late should really be absent. You can't get on your own computer? Tough shit.
Had you come in time and sat there as usual, I wouldn't have been able to do
anything. But you're late. You have zero power.
Idiot #1:
Aw man, that's not fair, that's so not fair...
As he walks away, another idiot next to me quips:
Idiot #2:
Hey dude, if you want, y'know, if you want me to give 'im a beating in an
alley, just ring me up dude.
Me:
Don't worry. I'm
more
than fine by myself.
#32: Teamwork &
Burns
We have a project to do in Windows XP class: Install a new instance of Windows
XP, and configure it for a fictious medical and dental clinic, with users,
groups, permissions and policies and all that. We have a month to do it and I
get it done in two hours. All I have to do now is get the teacher to evaluate my
setup and then I have to type a short report about it.
The nice thing though is that the teacher keeps repeating we're his worst class
in his entire career of teaching. And this makes his treatments of favor towards
me more and more outlandish...
Me:
I'm ready when you are.
Teacher:
Coming... OK, let's see that, message pops up, good, no user shown on the login
screen, good... OK, now show me the user permissions... For the power user-- OK,
good, next, policies. Good, now the folders...
The teacher basically looks at a single item for each of his criterias and then
trusts me by word for everything else, making what should have been a 15 minute
correction take less than 5.
Teacher:
Excellent. Want to skip the boring report?
Me:
Ah, oh, sure.
Teacher:
All right. Excellent work. *shakes my hand* You're getting 110%.
He then stands up.
Teacher:
Hey everybody, I'm happy to announce that this guy here got 110% on his
project! That's no joke. It's really gonna be written 110% on his report card.
Uh-huh! 110%! I'm not kidding!
Student behind me:
(whispering to himself) Dude, wtf...
#34: A Factory of
Burns Two
During the mini-test...
Jack:
Hey, are you aware the Arabs in the back are giving the answers to each other
everytime you turn away?
Teacher:
Oh yeah! I'm aware they're copying all the wrong answers.
#35: Phileas Fogg can
suck it!
Introducing, an Idiotess who has made it a habit to never arrive on time.
Idiotess:
God dammit! I told Warren to be there at nine sharp to help me with those maths
but he isn't here yet! He isn't keeping his word! He's 30 minutes late now!
Me:
O RLY?
#36: Captain Justice
to The Rescue!
Teacher:
Remember, you're not allowed to talk during the final exam!
Idiot:
Whaaaaaaat? That's not fair!!
#37: Help Straight
From The Tap
Idiot:
Sir, which port does a printer plug into?
Teacher:
...That's question number 1 on the exam!!
Idiot:
Uh... yeah...
Teacher:
I can't answer
that!
#38: Synchronized
Failure
Idiot #1:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #2:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #3:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #4:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #5:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #6:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #7:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
Idiot #8:
Can I borrow your boot disk?
That was a final, lab-based exam. You were supposed to bring in your own disks.
The teacher had told everyone that every time for the past 4 weeks.
#39: Let Them Die
Slowly
Teacher:
OK, there's way too many people talking and whispering the answers to each other
whenever I go to someone to answer his question. This is a FINAL exam and you're
NOT supposed to be talking. This is too bad but from now on, I won't answer any
question, no matter what it is.
Idiotess:
Ma'am! Ma'am! Can you help me? My program doesn't work!
Teacher:
...That's your problem, you have to figure it out.
Idiotess:
But it doesn't work!
Teacher:
I can't help you.
Idiotess:
But it won't compile!
Teacher:
I can't help you!
Idiotess:
It's giving me errors ma'am! It won't run!!
Teacher:
Figure it out yourself! That's the point of an exam! It's
open book! Use it!
Idiotess:
Not fair...
A followup to the semester revealed that several of the would-be failures are miraculously passing their classes... even though some of them had almost never gone to class in the entire year. More to come later...
BONUS #1! A
Descriptive Problem
We're setting up a MS Access database...
Idiotess:
Sir... Sir! The test box "Description" in design mode... you put the
data in there, right??
BONUS #2! A Time
Problem
Teacher:
Now that most people are here (and not the week before), I'll restate the
modalities of this class. You
have
to do your work to pass this class. You
have
to arrive on time!
Idiotess:
B-b-but sir!! It's summer! Can't we come in later?
Teacher:
Noooo!
Ironically, on my way up to the class floor for the first hour, I saw most of
the class hanging out and playing foosball in the student lounge.
BONUS #3! Files &
Fear
Seen in the input window of some idiot in front of me who had made a small
program to write data to a file:
Please enter the file name:
file.txt
Please enter the number of entries to store:
45
Me:
Dude... close this and type "3" or "4" next time around...
BONUS #4! KILL
YOURSELF: File Version
Seen in the input window of the same idiot as above, before he attempted to test
his program by storing forty-five entries:
Please enter the file name: _
Idiot:
Sir! File name, what do I put??
BONUS #5! Persistence
is an Annoying Virtue
Class had started 10 minutes ago.
Idiot:
*knock-knock*
Teacher:
Don't answer. So, as I was saying...
Idiot:
*knock-knock*
Teacher:
...The way this particular example has to be done is by...
Idiot:
*KNOCK-KNOCK!*
Me:
*opens door* You're late. Come back at the break. *slams door*
Teacher:
Thank you. So, if we look at this relationship here: is it an association, an
aggregation or a composition?
Idiot:
*knock-knock-knock!*
Teacher:
...
Idiot:
*knock-knock-knock!*
The dude ended up knocking for the next 30 minutes.
Then, as the break began and we opened the door...
Idiot:
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?! WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT SHIT CLOSING THE DOOR ON
ME LIKE THAT! YOU'RE LIKE "YOU'RE LATE SO GET OFF" AND JUST SLAM!
WHATEVER THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU MAN?! THE TEACHER MAKES THE RULES, YOU
DON'T!!!
Jack:
...
Me:
...
O RLY
?
BONUS #6! REPORT CARD
HARDWARE
My Mark:
90%
Class Average:
66%
MICROSOFT OFFICE
My Mark:
94%
Class Average:
59%
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING I
My Mark:
96%
Class Average:
59%
WINDOWS XP
My Mark:
88%
Class Average:
57%
MATHEMATICS
My Mark:
85%
Class Average:
53%
In 4 out of my 5 classes, the class average ended up being an F.
BONUS #7! Listen
already!
Today, we are to modelize a library's system. That is, determine who are the end
users, what the system must do, and what are the different objects that the
system will have to manage (books, CDs, customers, etc.)
And thus...
Teacher:
All right, so which end users did you find?
Idiot:
The customer, sir!
Teacher:
The customer is an end user?
Idiot:
Yes sir.
Teacher:
OK, but who is the person behind the counter and ringing the books up?
Idiot:
Well, he's an end user too.
Idiotess:
Yeah! I mean, it's not like if I wanna borrow a book, I don't go to the guy at
the counter and say "borrow that book for me!"
Me:
Wait a mi--
Idiot:
So yeah, the customer interacts with the system.
Me:
Does the customer type on the computer?
Idiotess:
What?!...
Me:
The end user is the person who acts on the system via computer.
Idiotess:
Yeah but the customer acts on the system too! By borrowing the books!
Me:
No, it doesn't work that way. The end user is the person who uses the computer
in the end run. The guy behind the counter is an end user of the system. The
customer doesn't touch the computer, thus he isn't an end user.
Idiotess:
So what?! It's like the customer doesn't exist or something?!
Teacher:
OK, now that we determined that the customer is
not
an end user, can you name the others that you found please?
Idiot:
The borrowing!
Idiotess:
The customer!
BONUS #8! The
Execution
This morning, we came into class, did our work as usual, and then left to eat
lunch.
We came back at 1 o' clock to hear the teacher announce that his contract with
the school has come to an end. He picks up his things and leaves. Most of the
idiots chase after him but he slams his car door in their face and speeds off.
The idiots thus run into the vice-principal's office to ask WTF is going on. All
of a sudden, the people who had a tooth against the teacher wanted him back. O
Lawd!
The principal isn't here - he's the one who called the shot. So the
vice-principal calls him up and tells him to get down there ASAP.
Thirty minutes later, the VP, the principal and eight students are locked into a
room to discuss things out. What happens then?
Everybody STFU.
Yep, not a word comes out. Not that they're within ear (and punch) shot of
everyone else in the class, they don't want to say a thing. They've been
bitching to the principal and the vice-principal for almost a year about every
single teacher out there, and it was only a matter of time until he gave in.
Somehow, a similar thing happened last week. Last Wednesday, the VP came into
the class while the teacher was gone and said he had received complaints. The
two idiotesses left basically shot down the teacher with their words and asked
that he be fired
right this instant
.
So the VP went "OK, the teacher is back, so let's discuss that with
him."
Teacher enters.
Once again, everybody STFU.
All of a sudden, everything is well and everything is good, everybody's an
angel, oh me oh my! No more complains, waddya know!
So my friends and I were pretty much laughing at this since now that the teacher
was gone, everybody wanted him back! Who cares whether
you
asked for him to be fired. Now you want him back for some reason even God
wouldn't try finding out.
And thus, the principal ended up saying: "Well, I guess I'll have to call
the teacher, present my apologies and ask him that he come back to teach the
class...
if
he wants to."
After all, the contract's broken. Nobody's forcing our teacher to take one up
again.
Naturally, during this so-called conference, I've told the principal that if
only the tardiness rule had been strictly applied, only my two friends and I
would be left in this class, and no one else. Against my wildest expectations,
nobody dared to retort back on this one.
Tomorrow, it's back to square one. Whatever happens, there will be teacher in
class. There will be me, my two friends, and the rest of the idiots.
And I can guarantee you it'll happen all over again soon.
BONUS #9! The
Aftermath of Bonus #8
Well, it's
tomorrow, as in, the day after the events of Bonus #8.
Our ol' teacher is still here.
My two friends and I arrived on time.
The Idiotess arrived a half-hour late. Her friend arrived almost an hour late.
One of the idiots had an appointment, of which he told the administration
beforehand to be legally excused today.
The remaining two idiots never came to class. They have been watching a movie
downstairs for the whole time.
Everything is as usual, and as expected. As if yesterday's conversation
never
happened.
BONUS #10! The
Incorrect Cheat Sheet
During our latest exam, Jack saw a bunch of papers on the floor.
At the end of the test, after everyone leaves, he picks them up and hands them
to the teacher. They were all answers the two idiotesses of the group had
exchanged between each other.
The teacher took out his red pen.
Teacher:
Wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong...!
DOUBLE BONUS #1!
The New Semester
Well, here comes a new semester again, with new classes, new teachers and even
more material to study. I thought I was finally gonna get it easy... Think
again.
All the Arabic students from my summer class have passed and attend all my
classes for the Fall semester.
All the Arabic students I had seen during Winter but not Summer are back too.
Hence, the Arab Krew is whole once again.
Introducing a new contender:
DOUBLE BONUS #2! #2
is for shit.
Idiot:
Sir! What do we use to write web pages?
Teacher:
Notepad.
Idiot:
What?
Teacher:
Notepad.
Idiot:
But how do we put the code together?
Teacher:
We don't need to.
Me:
HTML isn't a language that needs to be compiled.
Idiot:
So we don't use Visual Studio?!
Teacher
...No.
Idiot:
Aw SHIT!!
DOUBLE BONUS #3!
Head or no head
Teacher:
Next, we'll be taking a look at the "head" tags in web pages. We
won't be using them too often so I'll only do a quick overview of them. They
mainly serve to show up the title of the page, for instance.
Idiot:
Sir, this is too much!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #4!
Jack is blue, I am red.
Teacher:
We use a special code to show up colors in web pages. We put a square sign (#)
followed by three pairs of numbers, ranging from 0 to F. Each pair of numbers
represents a value of a particular color, being red green and blue in order. We
call that an RGB code. So let's say I write FF, 00, and 00. Which color will
that give me?
Idiot #1:
Black!
Teacher:
No, it'll be red. See here, I set the red portion of the value to its maximum.
Now what if I write 00, FF and 00 as my RGB value? What will I get?
Idiot #2:
Yellow!
DOUBLE BONUS #5! The All-Knowing Teacher?
Idiot:
Sir! Do you have the registration key for Windows XP?
Teacher:
No, I don't.
15 minutes later...
Same Idiot:
Sir! Do you have the registration key for Windows XP?
Teacher:
No!
Idiot:
I thought all teachers knew that!!
Teacher:
No, I'm afraid that isn't the case.
Idiot:
...This is a crock of shit!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #6! I
can work- wait a minute, I can't!
Idiot:
Sir!! When do we start the exercises and all that? I wanna do something!
Teacher:
Oh, we'll start that soon enough, don't worry.
Idiot:
OK, cool!
15 minutes later...
Teacher:
All right, I finished theory for today, so if you want, you can start right
ahead with the first exercise.
Same Idiot:
Sir! I can't do it today because I have to format my computer!
DOUBLE
BONUS #7! I'm lazy!
Teacher:
Variables in Visual Basic are declared this way: "Dim Name As Type".
Some examples: "Dim Age As Byte", "Dim Average As Single" or
"Dim Name As String".
Idiot:
Sir! We're gonna have to write
all that
?!
DOUBLE BONUS #8! Guilty By Association
Idiot:
Sir! You write too small! I can't see a thing.
Teacher:
I don't write too small. You're too far away from me.
Idiot:
No, you really write too small!
Teacher:
You're sitting at the far end of the class, my friend. That's a sign.
Idiot:
A sign of what?! You think I'm doing something illegal?!
Teacher:
Hey, I didn't say what kind of sign yet.
Idiot:
*grumble*
Teacher:
Usually when people go at the far back, it's because they're insecure. They
don't want others to see what they're doing. Maybe they're doing something
that's not catholic, you know...
Idiot:
I'm not even catholic, I'm a Muslim!
Teacher:
Whatever, that's just an expression. It means you're doing something you're not
supposed to do.
Idiot:
Oh, no no no, we're good students. Doing nasty stuff, only the Quebecker kids
to that.
Me:
(whispering to Jack) Is he seeking me out?
I later heard the same idiot speaking Arabic to his friend, and distinctly heard
"Quebecker" in his conversation somewhere. Hmm.
DOUBLE
BONUS #9! Does it work that way?
Teacher:
I won't be teaching the... language, in a sense. I'll be teaching you the
method. So if your program doesn't compile, I'll be standing behind you, and
I'll ask you question to
help
you
find
the problem
yourself. I won't be looking through your code for you.
Idiot:
Oh no sir, it doesn't work that way.
Teacher:
Yes it does.
Idiot:
No it doesn't!
Teacher:
Ohhh, believe me, it does...
DOUBLE BONUS #10!
Face Hypocrisy
Idiot:
I assure you, sir! We're always on time!
This came from the guy who came in a 45 minutes late.
Idiot:
And the others, they're always on time too, I swear!
DOUBLE BONUS #11! The Side Effects of Exposure to The Krew
The following is an MSN conversation between John and I:
John:
Can you help me with something?
Me:
Sure, what is it?
John:
I'm having trouble burning my Linux files.
Me:
Did you install the burning software I sent you?
John:
Yeah but it asks me for a registration code.
Me:
It was in the zip. Serial.txt
John:
Ah crap, how could I miss it... OK, got it, it works now. But it says the RAR
is too big to burn on the CD.
Me:
You mean the ISOs I hope?!
John:
Yes, yes, the ISO.
Me:
Are you sure you have the right ISO anyway?
John:
It's FC-5-i386-DVD.iso That's Fedora Core 5, correct?
Me:
Wait a minute - are you trying to burn a DVD to a CD?
John:
...Ah shit. That was stupid.
Me:
You've been hanging out with the Arab Krew way too much, man.
DOUBLE BONUS #12!
Language Barrier
Teacher:
All right, open up Visual Studio, and you'll choose to make a new "Console
Application" project. Do that now.
Idiot:
Sir! I can't find "Console Application" but I see "Application
Console"... are they the same?
DOUBLE BONUS #13! In
a Timely Manner
Teacher:
OK, today we'll begin the theory so you can be ready for Lab 2.
Idiot:
Sir! SIR!! I didn't finish Lab 1!!!
For the record, Lab 1 consisted of copying an HTML code of about a page long in
size 14 - therefore, about 30 lines, a third of which were empty. The class had
a full 3 hours to do it.
DOUBLE BONUS #14!
Language Barrier Two
Teacher:
By the way, I keep hearing people speaking Arabic among each other, and I'd
like to recall that it is school policy that students speak French during class.
Idiot:
SIR!!! That's impossible! We can't control ourselves!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #15!
BURN!
Teacher:
Now, the text topic will--
*knock-knock*
Teacher:
(opens door) You're late.
Idiot:
I was just gone for a smoke sir.
Teacher:
Then
quit smoking!!
DOUBLE BONUS #16! The
Twilight Zone
We have class from 8:00 AM 'till 9:50 AM.
Some idiot comes in at 9:45 PM.
5 minutes later...
Teacher:
Well, all right, see y'all next week.
Idiot:
(looks around helplessly) What?!! It's already over?!
DOUBLE BONUS #17!
Denying The Cakewalk
Teacher:
I've written some code on the board. Copy it, compile it and run the program.
Idiot:
SIR! My program has errors!
Teacher:
Well, mine doesn't.
DOUBLE BONUS #18!
Denying The Cakewalk II
Windows 2003 Server Startup Screen:
"Press CTRL+ALT+DELETE to start."
Idiotess:
What do I do??
DOUBLE BONUS #19!
Treasure Hunt
Teacher:
I'll be checking the homework I gave you last Tuesday, if you can open it up
please...
Idiot:
SIR! I did it but I don't remember where I saved it.
DOUBLE BONUS #20!
Civil Disobedience
Teacher:
Hang on! No drinks in class.
Idiot:
(holding a Pepsi can) It's OK sir!
Teacher:
Is it open?
Idiot:
Yes but I won't drink it!
Me:
*CHOKE*
Teacher:
I don't care, get this out.
Idiot:
It's OK sir! I swear! I'll put it far away!
Teacher:
Get this out!
Idiot:
It's OK!
Teacher:
...
Idiot:
*sits down at desk*
Teacher:
*glares at idiot*
Idiot:
*looks at teacher*
Teacher:
*glares at idiot*
Idiot:
*turns his computer on and acts as if nothing happened*
DOUBLE BONUS #21! Le
Break
Idiot:
SIR! It's break time.
Teacher:
...What?
Idiot:
It's ten to the hour. Break time.
Teacher:
No break.
Idiot:
WHAT?! WHY?!
Teacher:
'Cause it's only a two hour class; there's a lotta stuff to do.
Idiot:
There HAS to be a break.
Teacher:
Suit yourself.
Idiot:
*gets out*
Student:
*closes and locks door*
The idiot made no attempt to come back for the remainder of the class. At least
we didn't see him through the window.
DOUBLE BONUS #22!
DOUBLE KILL YOURSELF
Jack:
Lost my Internet...
Me:
Me too- aw shit, I know...
Someone had taken the
"Big Red Cable"
that feeds Internet to the class and took it all for himself. I swiftly plug
the cable back where it belongs.
A few minutes later...
Me:
What the...
Jack:
Lost Internet.
Warren:
Me too.
Me:
Lemme check again... OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT DID THIS?!
Someone had taken the
Big Red Cable
again, had plugged it in the hub... and BACK INTO THE HUB.
Nice going. Now the hub's able to talk to itself. BRA-FUCKING-VO. Useless.
Fucking idiots.
I go downstairs with the BRC, find some colored tape and wrap it around both
ends of the cable in the shape of a flag, before going back to class and
plugging it once again where it rightfully belongs.
Idiotess:
Jack, why didn't the Internet work?
Idiot #1:
I DIDN'T DO IT!
Idiot #2:
ME NEITHER!
DOUBLE BONUS #23! The
Showdown
This is the best word I found to describe what happened today. We started off
slow, a class of Windows 2003 management, then a class of SQL II, finishing off
with a class of PHP. Today, we were going to be focusing on arrays.
A quick reference for those who do not work with programming: an array is
essentially like putting a series of boxes, one after another, labeling them and
putting things in them. As such, I could have an array of four values,
containing 4, "potato", "387" and "Jack Thompson"
in order, and have each "box" marked from 1 to 4. Better yet, I could
label each box any way I wished.
The Idiotess had been asking about 6 questions in the span of the last three
minutes, interrupting the teacher mid-sentence. As her questions gradually reach
into the realm of the elementary stupid, people around her start giggling...
Idiotess:
SIR!!! Can we give no label to the elements of an array?
Everyone Else:
*laughter*
Teacher:
What do you mean exactly?
Idiotess:
I mean the labels of each elements of an array. Can we, like, give them no
label at all?
Everyone Else:
*laughter*
Teacher:
...If this is a joke, I don't find it funny.
Idiotess:
This is NOT a joke. It's a honest question. I REALLY don't understand!
Teacher:
Actually, we'll do something. I've been constantly interrupted as I've
explained the theory. It slows down the class and makes the matter just harder
to understand. So from now on, I'll be explaining the theory, uninterrupted, and
then ask at the end if there are any questions.
Idiotess:
But I have so many questions I wouldn't remember them all by the time you
finish!
Idiot:
SIR! That's not the way we do things!!!
Teacher:
Maybe not for you, but this is the way I operate, and this is the way I have
always operated.
Idiot:
It doesn't work that way!
Teacher:
I've taught for fifteen years now, in France, USA and Canada. And no matter
where I was, it was the same way of doing things, and it's worked. Now let's get
back to the theory on the arrays so we can get it done.
Idiotess:
Sir, no, that's not the way it's gonna happen.
Teacher:
...*sigh* I've been given permission by the principal to teach my class as I
see fit. And I expect you all to have the discipline to wait until it is your
turn to speak before asking questions. I am saying that especially to you.
She becomes red like a lobster.
Idiotess:
Are you targeting me?!
Teacher:
Yes, I am.
Idiotess
*stands up and SCREAMS:* I AM PAYING FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SESSION TO
ATTEND THIS COLLEGE AND I EXPECT TO BE GIVEN THE EDUCATION I HAVE THE RIGHT
TO!!!
Teacher:
And I won't tolerate students being disorderly in my class.
Idiotess:
I AM NOT DISORDERLY!!! YOU ARE REFUSING TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WE ASK YOU IN
ORDER TO LEARN!!! THAT'S IT!!! YOU JUST WANT TO TEACH YOUR CLASS AND GO AND BE
LEFT ALONE!!! YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO TALK TO YOU!!!
Teacher:
All right, that's it, I've had enough. I'll ask you to get out of my class.
Idiotess:
NO!!! I'M STAYING HERE!!!
Teacher:
Very well. I'll go get the principal. He'll remove you.
As he opens the door, he stops and turns around.
Teacher:
Is there a class representative here?
Me:
*chuckles* If there's one, he's hiding.
Everyone:
[Shuri]!!
Me:
I'm not fucking representing for that one.
Everyone:
*laughter*
Teacher:
Well, you [Shuri] and you there, please follow me outside.
I am called out along with a returning member of the Arab Krew. The teacher
closes the door behind him.
Teacher:
I've tolerated this once but I won't tolerate any longer. I don't know if there
is some sort of chief among you but those disturbances have got to stop. I've
dealt with troublemakers before, and the principal has given me the green light
to do whatever I wanted to fix any problems that arise - and that includes
permanently removing a student from my class. The teacher delivers the course
material, periodically asks if anyone has any questions, and uses the personal
work sessions to check up on the progress of his students. Isn't that how things
go in all colleges?
He turns to me. I nod.
The Arab guy melts in apologies and pleads for the teacher to turn a blind eye
for once. I stand aside as a witness, since I've shown during thr first two
weeks I obviously wasn't part of the group.
The teacher sends the Arab guy back into the class and closes the door once
again.
Teacher:
Is there a class representative... or some kind of "rooster" to
police the other students a bit?
Me:
No. That used to exist in elementary school, and then again to a purely
political extent. Past that, it's to each his own.
Teacher:
That's unfortunate... I was hoping someone could put some sense into them and
tell them how things are done.
Me:
Closest match is me
de facto
. They know I won't be afraid to talk with the administration if problems arise
among them.
Teacher:
No, that's fine, I don't want you getting in trouble for that. I'll just do
with what I have now and see how it develops from there. Now that the tone has
been set, I don't believe they'll do any more trouble in my presence. I know how
these things go.
And thus, class resumed. The principal was never called - but then, nothing
worth writing home about happened during the remainder of the class.
DOUBLE BONUS #24! Let
time stop for me
I had HTML class on September 14 and 15, during which we talked about lists.
Teacher:
OK, next time we'll look at frames!
I miss next week's classes.
I come in on the 28 and 29.
Teacher:
OK, today we'll begin theory on frames.
Me:
Dude, what the hell?
Jack:
Honestly, what did you expect?
DOUBLE BONUS #25! Let
time stop for the others
In HTML class:
Idiot:
SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!
In database class:
Idiot:
SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!
In Java class:
Idiot:
SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!
In Windows 2003 class:
Idiot:
SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!
In PHP class:
Idiot:
SIR!!! YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #26!
Multi-idling
Idiot:
SIR!!! I don't understand that frameset border 20 frame spacing thingie...
Teacher:
Well, okay, what didn't you just understand in the thing I've just explained?
Are your headphones hindering you?
Idiot:
No sir, I don't hear anything.
Teacher:
I noticed.
DOUBLE BONUS #27!
Attempts
Teacher:
...and then there's the intrasemestrial exam, which is on...
Idiot:
DECEMBER 23!!!
Teacher:
Haha, nice try...
DOUBLE BONUS #28! The
same dude as Bonus #5...
Teacher:
Now, next section, we'll be looking at loops and repetitive structures...
Idiot:
*stands up*
Teacher:
I warn you, if you go out, you don't get to come back.
Idiot:
ok ok... *leaves*
Teacher:
There are four repetitive structures in Visual Basic: While, Do While, Do Until
and For Next. There are more but they're redundant, so we'll...
Idiot:
*knock-knock-knock*
Teacher:
...be sticking to only these four.
Idiot:
*knock-knock-knock*
Teacher:
Let's start with the While, that's the easiest. Here's the syntax...
Idiot:
*knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock*
Teacher:
The Do While is essentially the same thing but...
Idiot:
*BANG-BANG-BANG*
Teacher:
...there's a little difference in syntax and behavior.
Idiot:
*push* *shove*
Teacher:
Do Until is like an inverted Do While. Instead of specifying the condition that
keeps it going, you instead tell it when to stop.
Idiot:
*THUD*
Teacher:
Here's the syntax for that one...
Idiot:
*BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG*
Teacher:
Right, that's enough... *cracks door open* I told you that if you went out you
wouldn't get to come back.
Idiot:
But I just wanted to--
Teacher:
I don't care, I don't wanna know; you're out 'till end of class.
Idiot:
But that's not fair, I have the right to--
Teacher:
No, you don't have the right! I make the rules here, now get out! *closes door*
Idiot:
*stands there for a half-hour, knocking occasionally, then leaves*
DOUBLE BONUS #29!
Right back at ya!
Almost every class, one idiot in particular would yell out...
Idiot:
SIR!!! It doesn't work!
If his program didn't compile...
Idiot:
SIR!!! It doesn't work!
If his web page didn't show up the way he wanted...
Idiot:
SIR!!! It doesn't work!
Or if he couldn't find the file he was looking for...
Idiot:
SIR!!! It doesn't work!
Well, we were once again in Visual Basic class. We were already 20 minutes late
on schedule and the teacher was more than irate already. He gave us instructions
to put in a list box and to have buttons to allow us to insert and remove items
in it.
Idiot:
Ah! It works!
Teacher:
No it doesn't.
Idiot:
No, I assure you, it does work.
Let's point out here that the teacher didn't even look at the idiot's screen.
Teacher:
OK then. Add an element or two in your list box.
Idiot:
OK all done. I told you it worked.
Teacher:
Remove all your elements.
Idiot:
Yeah, that works too.
Teacher:
Now click Remove again.
Idiot:
...
Teacher:
It crashed, didn't it?
Idiot:
Uh...
Teacher:
Told ya it didn't work.
DOUBLE BONUS #30!
Nowhere at the speed of light
A month ago, the teacher gave us an assignment: we had to reproduce the Windows
Calculator as closely as possible, code and all. It was probably the first
'real' project the idiots ever got, one that required thorough thinking and
planning, because there were a lot of possibilities to consider. I didn't recall
exactly when it was due, so I asked him the week before:
Me:
I've got a memory blank. When's the calculator due?
Teacher:
Ohhh... It was supposed to be this Friday, but I'll make it next Tuesday
instead. Hey everyone! Update on your calculator project: the due date is next
Tuesday; I'm giving you all an extension.
And on that Tuesday in particular, right before the teacher leaves the class...
Teacher:
By the way, those who didn't hand me their project get zero on it.
Idiot #1:
WHAT?!
Idiot #2:
NOT FAIR!!!
Idiot #3:
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!
Idiot #4:
COME ON, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FAIL US ARE YOU?!
Teacher:
...You've never seen me fail a class before?
Welcome
.
End result: Only four people out of twelve handed in their project: me, Jack,
Warren and another Quebecker. That's a quarter of the class.
The idiots ranted a storm for the next fifteen minutes after the teacher was
gone. Despite speaking Arabic, I could easily guess they were mimicking and
belittling the teacher. They ended up complaining to the principal. Verdict:
pending.
DOUBLE BONUS #31!
Brazilian Java required
Teacher:
OK, once you've copied the code on the board, compile that and input
java Class1
and see what comes out.
Idiotess:
Sir, it doesn't work, the console gives me strange errors when I input your
command...
Teacher:
Oh? All right, let's see then... Yes, that is quite a strange error all right.
OK, let me see your .java file... OK, the code is good... But where's your
.class file?
Idiotess:
What .class file?
Teacher:
When you compile your program, it's supposed to generate a .class file.
Idiotess:
I thought your java command thing was the compiler command.
Teacher:
...You mean you never installed the compiler I told the class to install at the
beginning of the semester?!
Idiotess:
Uh...
DOUBLE BONUS #32!
iSuck
Idiot:
Sir! I don't get the difference between local and global variables!
(Nevermind the fact we're into the third semester...)
(And that the teacher already gave the class a rather solid reminder about local
and global variables...)
Teacher:
You don't?
Idiot:
No sir, I don't.
Teacher:
OK, I'll explain. Start by turning off your iPod.
Idiot:
I'm not listening to music!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #33!
Fire & Forget
Teacher:
Now that we've finished all the theory and exercises on loops and repetitive
structures, we're gonna take a look at arrays. So rather than declare tons of
variables, we can just declare one as an array and save us some time and
complications. Let's say I declare Age as an array of five elements. If I want
to show the first element, I'd put down
console.write(Age(0))
. For the next element, it's
console.write(Age(1)), and so on and so forth.
Idiot:
SIR!! Don't tell me that if we have a thousand elements, we're gonna have to
write that a thousand times!! That's cruel!
Me:
We just finished loops and I hear
this
?...
DOUBLE BONUS #34!
Failing Failsafe
*SNAP!*
Teacher:
What was that?
Idiot:
Oh, just me, sir; I disconnected myself from the network.
Teacher:
...Just how did you unplug your cable?
Idiot:
This way: *makes a violent pulling motion*
Teacher:
Did you know there was a little tab you could push on to unhook your cable?
Idiot:
...No sir, I didn't. Thanks.
Now we know why most of our network cables have a broken tab.
Let me remind you he is in his third semester with us.
And he's the one who supposedly helps the rest of the class get connected to the
network.
DOUBLE BONUS #35!
Break In The Wall
Idiot:
*says a very long run-on sentence in Arabic, blatantly interrupting the
teacher*
Teacher:
Hey, ever heard of Bill
101
?
Idiot:
No sir.
Teacher:
Do a research on it. I want the paper on my desk next Tuesday.
DOUBLE BONUS #36!
Free of Charge
Teacher:
All right, so, next time in HTML class, we'll be continuing work into the
project, we'll have the intrasemestrial exam, and I'll begin theory on
JavaScript.
Idiot:
THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!
Teacher:
It'll be easy. All you have to remember are a few HTML tags.
Idiot:
No! I'll forget everything! Actually, I don't remember anything right now!
Teacher:
That's the point of an exam: to study and remember.
Idiot:
What will the exam be about?
Teacher:
Just the HTML language...
Idiot:
That's too much! Way too much!
Teacher:
...It'll just be a theory test, without notes or use of computers...
Idiot:
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! We won't remember anything!! We can't write code without
our notes and computers! We can't write any code on a piece of paper, how would
we realize if we'd made mistakes?!
Idiotess:
THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!
Teacher:
All you have to do is study the most often used tags and attributes. Things
like
<table>,
<tbody>,
<a>,
<p>,
<frameset>,
<ol>,
<li>,
href,
src,
color
and
background
among others...
Idiot:
What's that, sir? What's those symbols for??
<p>?
<a>?
<tr>? Why do you compare if
frameset
is different than
ol? I don't understand anything!!!
Yes, he indeed mistook the tag brackets for the "different than" (
<>
) sign.
Teacher:
Oh yes, and there will be at least one question about CSS.
Idiot:
That's too much, way too much, we can't write code without our notes, internet
and Dreamweaver, we need a practice exam! Otherwise we'll all fail!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #37!
Observant!
Teacher:
Here's a program. There's an error in this program, I'd like you to point me
what it is.
Idiot:
SIR!!! THERE'S AN ERROR IN THE PROGRAM!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #38!
Goldfish Memory
Teacher:
Now, let's look at incrementation. I declared two variables,
i
and
j
. In the first example, I say
i = 3
, and
j = 0
. Then I do
j = ++i
. The
++i
part is called "pre-incrementation". What this does is add one to the
variable before going through the calculation. So what's the value of
j
at the end? It's four. And
i
also has a value of four. Now in the other example, we use
i++
instead. This is "post-incrementation". We increment
i
after the calculation. So in example two,
j
has a value of three, and
i
has a value of four.
Idiot:
Sir, what's the difference between, ++i and i++??
DOUBLE BONUS #39! It
happened on October 17...
Teacher:
Here's an opportunity to use the AddDays function on a date. Suppose I rent a
film today. It's due in two days. What do I need to write to get my answer?
Everyone:
.................
Teacher:
I rent a film today! What's today's date? What date will it be in two days?
Idiot:
...the 4th.
DOUBLE BONUS #40!
Apples to Apples
Teacher:
How to subtract a time from another. I punch in at, say, 8:30:40 and leave at
11:20:10. This is how we're going to calculate it: I subtract 40 from 10. I
can't do that, so I add 60 and subtract one minute. Next, I subtract 20 from
19 minutes. Once again, we can't do that, so we add 60 on top and take off an
hour. We're left with 10 minus 8. That's two hours. Total work time on your
timesheet: two hours, forty-nine minutes and thirty seconds.
Idiot:
B-b-but, how are we gonna code that?!
Teacher:
Well, I just told you!
Idiot:
No, no, you just showed us how to subtract, put what about putting it in code
form??
Teacher:
That is not up to me to tell you; that is your assignment for today! You code
that timesheet in Visual Basic and I check up on you once you're done.
Idiot:
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, TEACHER! YOU KNOW THE LOGIC AND THE ALGORITHMS, YOU
TEACH US ALL THAT, BUT
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO CODE!!!
DOUBLE BONUS #41!
Politically Incorrect
Teacher:
...And that's how we calculate the work time on a work timesheet in Visual
Basic.
Student:
We got the calculations down for the time... but if the times we write down
aren't on the same date, then we're screwed. We don't have any code prepared for
that possibility.
Teacher:
Haha. Well, let's take into assumption you're not a Mexican...
DOUBLE BONUS #42!
Burn fresh!
Teacher:
You're late.
Idiot:
Sir! The subway ran out of fuel.
For your information, our city subway is electrically powered.
DOUBLE BONUS #43!
Share & Straw alike
Idiot:
*SLUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!*
I turn around and the idiot is noisily drinking a Coke right above his keyboard.
Idiot:
...Oh, I'm sorry! Did you want some?
Me:
...
Idiot:
*SLLLLLLUUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP!!!* Hee-hee-hee!
DOUBLE BONUS #44!
Double Incomprehension
Teacher:
Double-click on your menu item.
Idiot:
*click*
Teacher:
Double-click.
Idiot:
*click*
Teacher:
...Double-click!
Idiot:
*click*
Teacher:
DOUBLE-CLICK!!
Idiot:
*click*
DOUBLE BONUS #45! I
want your mother's head on a stick
Teacher:
OK, so, today is the mini-quiz...
Idiot #1:
NO!!!
Idiotess:
NOT TODAY!!!
Idiot #2:
You said it was tomorrow!!
Idiot #3:
Yeah, tomorrow!!!
Teacher:
No, no, I'm quite certain it was today.
Idiot #1:
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Idiot #3:
I remember it clearly! You wrote it on the board yourself!! The quiz was
tomorrow on the 3rd!
Teacher:
I believe I wrote it was going to be on the 2nd, not the 3rd.
Idiot #3:
No sir. It was supposed to be on the 3rd. I swear.
Teacher:
Oh, then if you swear...
Idiot #3:
Yes! I swear on my mother's head!
Teacher:
Well, all right. Sorry about that. We'll have the mini-quiz tomorrow, Friday
the 3rd.
Idiot #3:
Thank you sir!
Me:
...When was the quiz scheduled?
Warren:
Today! What did you expect?
DOUBLE BONUS #46!
Frictionist
Teacher:
I will begin the theory for today, and I'd like all computers and laptops
turned off or closed, please.
Idiot #1:
BUT SIR!!!
Teacher:
No buts. Do as I say... You, close your laptop.
Idiot #2:
...
Teacher:
Yes, you. Close your laptop.
Idiot #2:
But I was just...
Teacher:
*closes the laptop himself*
Idiot #2:
What the hell did you do that for?!
Teacher:
I asked that all computers be closed during theory. It's the rules, and I
intend to enforce them.
Idiot #2:
Hey! You don't touch my stuff unless you have permission, OK?!
Teacher:
I don't need permission. If I see a computer with its screen turned on, I will
simply turn it off.
Idiot #2:
THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!! YOU TOO HARD ON US! ALWAYS COMPLAININ' ABOUT
WHAT WE DO!!! I'M GOIN' TO THE PRINCIPAL AND I'M GETTIN' YOU FIRED!!!
Teacher:
You go right ahead and see the principal.
Ten minutes later, the idiot came back with a sad face.
Class resumed as if nothing had happened.
DOUBLE BONUS #47!
Fighto!
Teacher:
OK, the test is over, hand in your copies.
Idiot #1:
WAIT!!!
Teacher:
Test is over, it's over. *snatches test sheet away from Idiot #2*
Idiot #2:
*runs after teacher, still holding on to his copy and attempting to finish his
answer*
Teacher:
I SAID IT'S OVER!!! *attempts to snatch the sheet away from Idiot #3*
Idiot #3:
*swiftly moves his sheet away so he can still write*
Teacher:
*wrestles sheet away from Idiot #3* If you all can't behave like adults, I'll
have to treat you otherwise!
I thought we had hit the bottom of the barrel several times before, but words
alone couldn't describe the look on my face as I watched the idiots doing a
futile attempt at
TRYING TO WRITE ON THEIR SHEET WITH THE TEACHER LITERALLY RIPPING IT AWAY
FROM THEM.
I feel like I'm back in kindergarten. People toss pencils and erasers at each
other and talk behind the teacher's back. Everytime I say something that isn't
pleasant, they pull the race card on me and Jack comforts me by saying:
"Don't worry. They'll just say they're not violent people, and then they'll
go burn a church, as usual."
DOUBLE BONUS #48!
No-Fault
Idiot #1:
*disconnects a cable from the networking panel*
Idiot #2:
*screams something in Arabic*
Idiot #1:
*screams something back in Arabic*
Teacher:
Please...
Idiot #2:
*screams something else in Arabic*
Idiot #3:
*starts screaming in Arabic too*
Teacher:
Please, quiet...
Idiotess #1:
*screams something in Arabic at Idiot #1*
Idiot #1:
*screams back at Idiotess #1*
Idiotess #2:
*starts screaming in Arabic as well*
Teacher:
Everybody please be quiet...
Me:
EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!
Idiot #2:
...Why's the French guy yelling??
DOUBLE BONUS #49! The
word is not enough
Idiot:
*comes in an hour late and hands a note to the teacher*
Teacher:
*reads note* ...And you are here, standing in front of me just how, exactly?
Idiot:
I don't understand, sir.
Teacher:
...Nevermind. Go away.
Idiot:
*leaves*
DOUBLE BONUS #50! The
Postman Always Rings Twice
*ding!*
Me:
?
*ding!*
*ding!*
Me:
...?!
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding!*
Me:
.................
*ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!*
I stand up and see someone furiously clicking an OK button.
Me:
Dude. If the computer beeps the first time you try, it will beep
every time
you try.
Idiot:
Hehehehehehehehe!
DOUBLE BONUS #51!
Without Subtlety
Teacher:
Did you guys ever do 'for' loops inside other 'for' loops?
Idiotess:
No, sir!
Student:
Yes we did... It was in Visual Basic class if I remember well.
Idiot #1:
THAT VB TEACHER IS A FUCKING IDIOT!!! He's a racist! He's nothing, doesn't even
know how to explain!!
Idiot #2:
YEAH, WHAT A FUCKING RACIST!!!
Teacher:
...
Student:
...
That one was sent in by
a good buddy from school. I'll keep his name anonymous to protect him from
suicide bombers.
DOUBLE BONUS #52!
First Amendment
Idiot:
Why the hell is my MSN not working?!
Teacher:
Technically, you're not even supposed to have MSN installed in your hard disk.
Then, later on...
*ding!*
*ding!*
*ding-ding-ding!*
*ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!*
*ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!*
Student:
Will you quit it already?!
Idiot:
*glares menacingly at Student*
Teacher:
OK, time for break.
Idiot:
*turns to Student* You there. Don't ever talk to me again like that. It was my
MSN's fault! It was the one doing the beeps!
Teacher:
I heard that. And I said it before, no MSN in my classroom.
Idiot:
It's the break! I can do whatever I want!
Teacher:
*seizes Idiot's laptop, and locks it into a drawer.*
Idiot:
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Teacher:
It's the break. I can do whatever I want.
DOUBLE BONUS #53!
Great minds think alike
It's due date for an Oracle database: we had to make a DB for a chain of stores,
containing articles at a certain price. One of the idiots furiously scours the
Internet, finds a script to create something similar to the assignment and runs
it.
Idiot #1:
Can you check my work, sir?
Teacher:
Sure, let's see... Why do you have a Price table?
Idiot #1:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Heheheheheheheheheheh!
Teacher:
That doesn't make sense, you're not supposed to have a Price table, it serves
no purpose. Correct that, will you?
Idiot #1:
Yes sir.
Teacher:
*walks over to Idiot #2* You, let's see what you got... Ohhhhh, you're not
supposed to have a Price table either!
Idiot #2:
Heheheheheheheheheheheh!
DOUBLE BONUS #54!
Patriotic Duty
Teacher:
All right, so, here is your final assignment. The first page is a login screen,
just input the user name and password and if they are correct, then the OK
button enables. There's also a combo list box that allows you to choose which
section you want to navigate to. The first section is just a bunch of pictures
as you can see here. Click one picture and you navigate to the next. The second
section is a simple bill calculator you have to do in JavaScript. You also need
to include a CSS and some DOM somewhere in your work.
Idiot:
SIR! Is this assignment mandatory?
Teacher:
Oh, nooooo. It's not. Whether you want to score marks or not is up to your own
decision. In fact, nothing is ever mandatory. Nobody forces you to eat or drink.
Living isn't mandatory either!
DOUBLE BONUS #55!
Early Vacation
Teacher:
OK, so, we'll begin the HTML final test now...
Idiot:
SIR!!! Is this mandatory?
Teacher:
No, of course not - whether you want to score 25 points on your final mark or
not is up to you.
DOUBLE BONUS #56!
Foot in Mouth
Teacher:
Now, I will go around each computer and make sure you do not have MSN open. If
you do, this is plagiarism and you will have an automatic fail. Do I make myself
clear?
Idiot:
NO SIR!!!
SUPER BONUS #1!
Briefing, soldiers!
It's the next semester: winter 2007. It brought along its fair share of
surprises, as always:
First, we learned of the mysterious, unannounced disappearances of a particular
teacher of ours last semester. Turns out whenever somebody asked him a stupid
question, he bailed out on the class. I don't need to tell you we saw very
little of him.
Next, I found out the Arab Krew is still absolutely intact. Somehow, most of
them even passed! By the skin of their teeth, but they passed nonetheless.
Yesterday, class began in the afternoon, and students came in, piecewise, the
last one arriving a full hour late.
Today, the same thing happened, both morning and afternoon, the last idiot
coming in an hour and a half late.
SUPER BONUS #2! Super
calls, super savings!
Right in the middle of a lecture...
Idiot:
*pulls out cellphone, makes a call, chatters for a minute, then hangs up.*
Teacher:
Oh, who were you talking to?
Idiot:
...Nobody, sir.
Teacher:
Oh, really?
Idiot:
Yes... I swear...
Teacher:
*stares at idiot suspiciously*
Idiot:
*gives the teacher a big, huge, stupid grin*
SUPER BONUS #3!
Double Bonus Marks
HTML
Me:
95%
Class Average:
66%
Windows 2003 Server
Me:
79%
Class Average:
58%
Database II
Me:
90%
Class Average:
65%
eCommerce PHP
Me:
90%
Class Average:
63%
Java
Me:
93%
Class Average:
62%
Remember that we were four out of a dozen to get high marks. I'd love to see the
class average minus us four.
SUPER BONUS #4!
Listen already! Again!
Teacher:
So, now, the new schedule, because the replacement management guy screwed up
everything. We have classes on Tuesday afternoon and Friday afternoon.
Idiot:
Wait, hold on! We can't have class on Tuesday afternoon! There's already
another class at that time, schedule conflict!
Teacher:
Don't look at your schedule, it's screwed up, it's not valid. We have having
class Tuesday afternoon.
Idiot:
BUT WE CAN'T!!! THERE'S ALREADY ANOTHER CLASS ON TUESDAY AFTERNOON!!!
SUPER BONUS #5! Dead
on Arrival
*Idiot arrives... today. Class has been going on for two weeks, one half day
and one hour already, let's note.*
Teacher:
Oh, hi! Had a good vacation I suppose?
Idiot:
Yes sir!
Teacher:
Have a seat. So now, as I was saying, you'll be using embedded functions in
order to make more powerful procedures for your database. We'll couple that with
a few predefined functions as well, just like we did last Friday. If you can
open your lab sheets and...
Idiot:
SIR!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING OF WHAT'S GOING ON!
SUPER BONUS #6! Very,
Very Dead on Arrival
Idiot:
Hey sir, is SQL related in any way to Oracle?
Let me remind you we are on our third semester of SQL Oracle.
SUPER BONUS #7!
Bejeweled
We arrive in class to see a patch panel now covered behind a Plexiglas screen. Nobody has any screwdrivers to open up the door of course, so the
resulting maneuver becomes interesting: one idiot, in particular, decides to
squeeze his fat fingers between panel and Plexiglas.
Now, there were already several cables plugged into the panel; enough to allow
one to choose a spot at most places in the class, plug himself in and away you
go.
Nope, not for that guy. He was at spot #1, and by God, he would be plugged in at
spot #1.
In his attempt to plug his own cable, he decides to "dig" his way
through the panel, unplugging any cables that are in his way.
In doing so, he effectively cuts off the network to a quarter of the other
spots. Bad news for me: it so happens he disconnected all the remaining
available laptop plugs.
And he doesn't plug them back in after he's done.
Idiot:
YEAH!!!
He's all proud of himself because he managed to outsmart the Plexiglas door
and plug himself in anyway. Now it's my turn to have a go at it. I pick up all
the cables he unplugged on his way and meticulously plug them back in.
Me:
Hey, you. When you disconnect other people to dig your way in, it helps when
you plug 'em back in when you're done!
Idiot:
I didn't disconnect anybody! Who did I disconnect, huh?
Me:
Me.
Idiot:
Well booh hooh! (then to other idiot sitting next to him:) What the fuck's his
problem?
SUPER BONUS #8! Years
of Training
Idiot realizes he's not plugged in on the class' patch panel. So he goes to
the panel and looks for a cable he can use...
Idiot:
Who's number 28?
Student #1:
Me.
Idiot:
Who's number 14?
Student #2:
Me.
Idiot:
Uhhhhhhh... number 12?
Student #3:
Me.
Me:
Dude, you've been here for a year and a half now, why don't you buy your own
cable?
Idiot:
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
Me:
Really, it would be a lot easier for you instead of constantly scavenging the
panel.
Idiot:
Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
I realized, through time, that whenever he doesn't have an answer for you, he
turns into Beavis & Butthead.
SUPER BONUS #9! Pop
Culture
Teacher:
(to two members of the Arab Krew, one of which is dressed in heavy rapper
garb:) You two, [Mohamed] and... 50 Cent.
*epic laughter*
SUPER BONUS #10!
Uh...
We're looking for a suspect with the front end of a computer case in his
possession. 
SUPER BONUS #11!
Windows Updates
The teacher computer has a permanent hard driver installed, with Windows and
everything on it. One idiot in particular doesn't have Windows installed on his
own portable hard drive yet, so he uses the teacher computer instead.
Teacher:
Why are you still using that computer?
Idiot:
*giggle*
Teacher:
We are past
midterm
. You had a week off to be home and get your shit together, install Windows and
Office and everything!
Idiot:
*giggle*
Teacher:
Why haven't you done so?...
Idiot:
*giggle*
Teacher:
Good God, this is ridiculous. Anyway...
Idiot:
*giggle*
SUPER BONUS #12!
Elementary, my dear Watson
We have created a database in which there is an Albums table, which contains a
few attributes: Title, Artist, Genre, Year, Availability, and Notes.
And featuring the same idiot as before...
Teacher:
Our second album, in order: My Old Love, Celine Dion, Other, 2000, Lent to
Johnny. As for the notes, write... "kitsch"
Everyone:
*laughter*
Teacher:
...You! WHAT THE HELL?! How could you screw this up!!
Idiot:
Huh?
He had written the following:
-Availability:
kitsch
-Notes:
Lent to Johnny
Teacher:
Kitsch is an availability now?!
Idiot:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh......... Oh...
SUPER BONUS #13:
SUPER KILL YOURSELF
Teacher:
Now open Visual Basic 6.
Idiots:
...?
Teacher:
Open Visual Basic 6!
Idiots:
We... we're supposed to have Visual Basic 6?? We have Visual Basic .NET but no
Visual Basic 6...
Teacher:
HOLY SHIT!!! I told you to install Visual Basic 6 last time, and the time
before, on your own! Did no one listen?!
Idiots:
................. o_o
In fact, the teacher had been pressuring and reminding the whole class
repeatedly, every class, for the past 3 weeks, to install Visual Basic 6. We
needed Visual Basic 6 to do a particular thing that's a pain in the ass under
Visual Basic .NET but remarkably easy under Visual Basic 6.
Only 4 out of 12 people installed it. Myself, Jack and our two friends. Everyone
had been completely oblivious to the constantly hammered, shouted, even
screamed
fact that they had to install Visual Basic 6.
The class was stalled for an hour to install Visual Basic 6. The teacher had to
actually fucking
help
some people because they were
failing at installing
Visual Basic 6. Yes, they SCREWED up their installation. Don't ask me how they
did this, I didn't even want to know myself.
SUPER BONUS #14:
Don't feed the savage
Someone knocks at the door during math class.
I open.
In scurries a guy, holding a brand new pencil in his hand.
He picks up the sharpener on the wall and, with a heavily doubtful and uncertain
look in his face, proceeds to insert his pencil into the hole.
*turn-turn-turn*
He takes out the pencil. Not sharp yet. He puts it back in.
*turn-turn-turn*
He takes out the pencil. Still not sharp enough.
*turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn-turn*
He takes out the pencil one last time. Now it's sharp. Now the pencil is ready.
Satisfied, he makes his way out.
For the past minute, we've all been staring at him, speechless.
Teacher:
Hey, wait a minute! Don't you know we're having a class here?!
Idiot:
I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm sowwy I'm
sowwy
I'm sowwy